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“Setup Squad” recap: Episode Two

Welcome to round 2 of Setup Squad, Logo’s dating docu-reality show, which is like a cross between Intervention for hopeless singles and Fight Club for the staff.

As the funky bunch sits at the firm’s conference table, Renee introduces the next two clients. First is Toy, a 34-year-old woman with “a lot of personality.” This isn’t the type of toy found in the teddy bear section of F.A.O. Schwartz; this is the type of toy you find in the Rockstar Games section of Gamestop, the section where you find video games where you roam the streets with an Uzi and mow people down at will.

Toy’s idea of snagging an eligible bachelor is peppering the poor bastard with questions about his dating history, willingness to get hitched, personality flaws, criminal history, medical records, oral hygiene, tax returns, willingness to be a whipping boy on a scale from one to 10, and other personal questions, machine gun style until he slumps to the ground, convulsing in a pool of his own blood. Says Jonathan, “I get this feeling that she’s going to walk up to a guy in a bar and say, ‘Hi, I’m Toy, and I need a credit check and please pee in a cup.'” Helen is assigned to disarm the terrible Toy.

The next client is Emanuel, a gay attorney who used to be morbidly obese but dropped over 150 pounds. Still, he has confidence issues and is not comfortable in his own skin. He has also never been in a relationship. Jonathan immediately identifies with him. “I get it,” he says, “I used to be there. You should see my bar mitzvah photos. I look like an oompa loompa in a yarmulke.” Renee assigns him to the task.

Jonathan takes Emanuel to a gay bar and encourages him to speak to a cute boy named Andrew, and Emanuel’s attempt at being a Cassanova is basically shuffling back and forth, nervously clutching his hands together and going “…”

“I don’t understand!” exclaims Jonathan. “How does a lawyer have nothing to say?” Hmm. Maybe it’s because lawyers are generally former nerds who are overly cerebral, uptight, and risk averse; if they had any shred of bravery or social skills whatsoever they would have gone to business school. (Full disclosure: I’m an attorney.) Shows like Law and Order and The Practice are telling lies, people. All lies.

Next, Meredith and Lauretta have drinks, and the conversation revolves around one person, Meredith’s girlfriend Randi. As the conversation progresses, Meredith’s eyes mist over, cartoon birds start encircling her head like buzzards, and she is transported to a galaxy far far away. Like a fat kid who has been spirited away to a fantasy world called Candyland, Meredith flits off to Randiland, and she’s never coming back. In fact, she admits that she may even be willing to move to La La Land, the bizarre fantasy world known as Los Angeles. Sacre bleu! This is serious stuff. It’s like moving to a different planet. No, it is moving to a different planet. Meredith may even have to re-learn the ability to drive! What’s a steering wheel? Which one is the brake? What is this thing called a gas pump and why does the putrid smelling stuff coming out of it cost so much? This land is so foreign and scary!

Meanwhile, Helen takes Toy to a bar and encourages her to speak to a dashing young man with dreadlocks named Kareem. Over the course of the next few minutes, Toy batters poor Kareem with a verbal assault that Helen compares to waterboarding. You can see the fear in Kareem’s eyes as he secretly scopes for available exits before Toy’s relentless verbal blitzkriegs transform him from Kareem the cool cat into a puddle of Kareem of wheat lying impotently on the ground to be swept up by the cleaning crew at the end of the night. Helen shakes her head and admits that Toy isn’t going to be an easy nut to crack. The operative word here is of course “nut.”

Back at the offices of Wings, Inc., Lauretta does what any good friend who has been given confidential information would do — she tattles on her friend to their boss. Lauretta informs Renee that Meredith may be moving to Los Angeles. Renee contemplates replacing Meredith.

Wait, you can’t get rid of Meredith. Who will Lauretta use as a human shield when Helen finally strikes down upon her with great vengeance and furious anger? Jonathan?

Scenario 1

Helen: And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

[Charges Lauretta like a miniature rhinoceros]

Jonathan: [Smiles sweetly and attempts to negotiate] Helen, dear. You look charming when I can see the whites of your eyes, but why don’t we sit down and have some tea and talk — wait, why are you launching yourself at me?!?! Shrieks

With Jonathan blown out of the way like a dust bunny, copious amounts of hair and fabric fly out of a ball of dust in the middle of the room. Then smoke dissipates to reveal a large crater where Lauretta had been standing.

Scenario 2

Helen: And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

[Charges Lauretta like a miniature rhinoceros]

Meredith: [Expressionless cylon stare, a skill learned by spending copious amounts of time in the Upper East Side as a child]

And then this.

The robot stare coupled with the curious Rockette kung-fu mashup scrambles the brain of the ragin’ Asian for a few seconds. Helen stops in her tracks and says, “Whoa. Who are you?” before resuming her attack. This gives Lauretta enough time to grab a weapon or flee.

There is no question that Meredith is the more effective defense unit in a combat situation. Therefore, she must stay.

Back to Emanuel. Jonathan decides to give Emanuel a fashion makeover and brings in Renee to help. This is a wise move, as the outfit Emanuel wore to the gay bar in the beginning of the episode included trousers that were hiked up almost to his nipples. It couldn’t even pass for nerd chic or even just plain nerd. It was just wrong.

Next, the staff members get together for drinks, and those who are coupled invite their significant others. Meredith’s girlfriend Randi has flown in from Los Angeles, and the rest of the cast do what they do best: judge. “It is a little weird that they look alike,” mentions Jonathan. No, not weird at all. Anyone versed in the idiosyncrasies of lesbian culture will recognize this as the “dyke a like” phenomenon, which is a close cousin of “the urge to merge.”

Meredith shows everyone the ring she gave Randi, and Lauretta asks, “So you’re really doing this?” Meredith and Randi respond by not responding. They ignore everyone and start making out. Eventually, Meredith comes back to Earth from Randiland and says, “I’m very serious.” “I was so surprised that my weave nearly fell off,” quips Lauretta.

Later, Jonathan takes Emanuel to a wine tasting, where, after a shaky start, he manages to eke out a short conversation with an attractive guy. Jonathan then rips the training wheels off and takes Emanuel to a gay bar, and after a few awkward false starts, Emanuel loosens up and chats with a few guys without doing the crab walk of defeat back to Jonathan. Jonathan sees that his work is done and leaves.

Somewhere between Emanuel’s adventures at the wine tasting and the gay bar, Meredith and Randi are shown staring at each other with googly eyes. This does not appear out of the ordinary, so let’s move on.

Toy is being especially difficult so Helen brings in the big guns, Renee. After listening to both Helen and Renee give the same advice about not cross examining potential suitors within the first ten seconds of meeting them, Toy agrees to mellow out. She meets a cute guy from the south, and while we can see that her mind is pulling a Dick Cheney, no enhanced interrogation techniques come out of her mouth, and Wings, Inc. has another success under its belt.

The episode closes with the staff using said enhanced interrogation techniques on Meredith about her future plans. The conversation goes nowhere, as Meredith is in Randiland, and is therefore in no position to give coherent answers. And this is why torture doesn’t work in certain situations, my friends.

Setup Squad airs Mondays on Logo.

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