Oh hello. I hope you recovered from the long weekend, because here’s another recap of Setup Squad. Sit down — this one is a doozy.
First is Arthur, a 25-year old gay dude who has diarrhea of the mouth. This is apparent because he admitted he is from Staten Island in the first three seconds of his intro reel. (OK, just kidding. Don‘t shoot me, or worse yet, defriend me on Facebook, Staten Islanders. Respect.) He also attempts to meet other gay men at lesbian bars. This is like going to a soup kitchen hoping to find an heir to the Rockefeller estate. Fail. Meredith is assigned to Arthur, because he loves the lesbians, and Meredith is a lesbian, so it’s a beautiful platonic Greenwich Village love story.
Next is Suzanne, a straight female who pretty much gives guys the lethal injection without a trial. This tactic is un-American, as everyone is innocent until proven guilty, so Jonathan is assigned to Judgey McJudgerson to fulfill his patriotic duty.
First up is Arthur. Meredith takes Arthur to a lesbian bar and mirabile dictu, there are a couple of gay guys at the bar, probably because Logo dragged them off the street, gave them drink tickets, and planted them there. Within seconds Arthur is rambling on and on machine-gun style, and the two guys can’t get a word in, so they just stare at him blankly, hoping he will excuse himself so that the ringing in their ears can stop. “This is not where we want to go right now,” observes Meredith. This is an understatement.
Then Jonathan takes Suzanne on a one on one chat session, which quickly devolves into Suzanne going all Depeche Mode on Jonathan, rambling on about the boys that did her wrong. Angst, angst, angst. Girl, take it to Livejournal. All the kids are doing it.
Meredith takes Arthur to a gay bar where he proceeds, yet again, to talk about lesbians. Oh, and lesbians. And more lesbians. And, OMG, he loves lesbians. And you know what else he loves? Wait for it — lesbians. Needless to say, it does not go well.
Next we see a slice of diva Lauretta’s home life, which is basically hubby Michael, baby Sophie and her living the closest thing to Leave It To Beaver as you can get in Manhattan. Oh, but then Lauretta brings up a former conversation with Michael — they had discussed adopting a baby bro or sis for Sophie. Michael reacts by looking like a death row inmate right after his last supper. His life flashes in front of him, and he wishes he could turn back time to erase that conversation, but it is too late. The executioner is coming, and no last minute appeal will save him. Then he blurts out, “I don’t know if I want to adopt.” And Lauretta’s face screams “Et tu Brute?” How could you? How? Dramatic music.
Jonathan takes Suzanne to a bar, and she looks around at each guy and says, “No.” Then “No.” Then “No.“ And then, wait for it — “No.” Unsurprisingly, she does not connect with anyone, and she goes home alone.
Meredith takes Arthur to a yoga session, which is supposed to help him become a better dater. At first Arthur is appalled. He thinks Meredith must have been hitting the crack pipe (as did I), but after breathing exercises and bizarre, uncomfortable-looking poses, Arthur starts talking like a normal human being instead of a Teletubby. I guess there is a method to Meredith’s madness. Cheers, girl!
Lauretta tells Renee and Jonathan about her adoption woes, so of course Jonathan turns around and tells Helen and Meredith about sad Lauretta, because sharing is caring. Jonathan mentions that Lauretta might even try to get pregnant again. Helen responds by hissing and spitting, remarking that no one is going to take a pregnant dating coach seriously. Wait. Huh? Isn’t a married lady who is having a second child with her husband someone you’d want to have as a dating coach? Or did I just enter the Twilight Zone? “Drop the fangs, Helen,” says Meredith. “Drop the fangs.” Helen does not drop the fangs. It’s like Helen thought she woke up in Bon Temps, Louisiana ready to feed. Girl, just drink some True Blood and get over it.
Meredith takes Arthur to a gay bar, where he continues to be zen. He speaks slowly enough to be understood, which is a victory in and of itself, and he gets the bartender’s number. Another score for Meredith, even though she scooted out of there prematurely, probably to have a Skype date with Lover Randi.
Lauretta and Michael have a heart to heart about obtaining another tiny human, and Lauretta agrees to get pregnant again. Michael literally has drool forming in his mouth. “Yeah,” he says, in a breathy and creepy way, like he is watching softcore porn. That guy really wants to bless the planet with his genes. Or he’s just excited to have unprotected sex.
Jonathan takes Suzanne to a bar, where she chats up two guys, both actors who joke about meeting at a gay bar. Suzanne tries not to judge but fails. Next she meets a former Stanford soccer player who works on Wall Street. Then she plays nice. Jonathan is excited that she is finally not judging. Um, hello? He’s a tall, non-douchey athlete with brains who is rolling in bling. I think maybe that has something to do with it. No brainer.
Next it’s another Lauretta/Helen outing to find Helen a man, but the two decide they want to scream insults at each other instead. After enough bleeps to rival any episode of The Osbournes, Lauretta tosses her hair and stomps out.
The team regroups and then Lauretta tells everyone she is going to have a baby. Most people would have raised their glasses and congratulated her, but instead, everyone gives her c–ty looks, because this is reality television, and what’s wrong is right. Well f–k em, Lauretta. You go on with your bad self and your future weave-swishin’ mini you.
Setup Squad airs Mondays on Logo.