Scarlett Johansson is officially off the market: Care to comment?

 
 

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds tied the knot in a quiet little wedding last weekend. Both of the actors’ publicists confirmed that the intimate ceremony took place at a secluded resort in Reynolds’ native Vancouver. The two had been dating since 2007 and announced their engagement in May.

Johansson had been quoted as saying she wanted her wedding to be a private affair, so the sneakiness doesn’t come as a huge surprise. But even if the event itself was secret, we all know about it now and should therefore feel free to put in our two cents.

So in that spirit, I offer you the following imagined responses to the big news:

Alanis Morissette: So they went through with the whole wedding thing. Did it rain, by any chance?

Woody Allen: As I’ve said, Scarlett is “in no way my muse.” I am in no way affected by this wedding. My next screenplay will in no way feature a beautiful young actress who, dissatisfied with her marriage to some blockhead hunk, begins an affair with a charmingly neurotic writer and eventually leaves her husband to be with him.

Nation of Canada: Wow, really? Usually the gays are the only ones flocking here to get married.

Barack Obama: First she tells the press that we have an email relationship, and then she doesn’t even email me to tell me she’s getting married! We are so in a fight.

Scarlett Johansson: Despite my 2006 statement that monogamy is an “overrated virtue,” and my August 2008 statement that I wasn’t feeling the need to rush into marriage at the age of 23, I think this is going to be awesome. I mean, we’re totally soul mates. Now where’s my makeup artist? This lipstick isn’t going to reapply itself! And someone go get me a bottle of water.

 
 

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