If Hollywood and Young Adult book publishers were to be believed, 2012 was the beginning of the end of the world as we know it. But with 2013 knocking gently at the front door, we can finally all breathe a sigh of relief and think past the post-apocalyptic horrors that have been threatening us on big screens and printed pages for the last few years. In fact, now that we know we’re not all going to be swallowed up by a hell demon riding astride a zombie leviathan, it’s actually safe for us to start planning for the future again. So, in honor of surviving 2012, our AfterEllen staff has compiled a list of news headlines we’d like to see in 2013.
“Rachel Maddow Declared ‘Punditry Overlord,’ Disbands Fox News”
After passing both the House and the Senate with a majority vote earlier this month, a new bill appointing Rachel Maddow as the country’s new “Punditry Overlord” was signed into law today by President Obama. Maddow has said her first order of business will be to pull the plug on the “alternate universe-creating conservative spin-machine” Fox News. The fair and balanced take down has already been applauded around the globe by people with brains.
“Bye now, Sean Hannity!” (Photo: Ufberg/Getty)
“Ryan Murphy Apologizes to Lesbian Blogging Community”
Hollywood was stunned today when Glee and American Horror Story showrunner Ryan Murphy issued a formal letter of apology to the Lesbian Blogging Community, a group of gay women he has vocally and unapologetically trolled for the last several years. “I was watching Ellen,” Murphy’s statement said, “when I was suddenly hit with an epiphany that lesbians are, like, actual human beings. I think, just, you know, living inside Finn Hudson’s ass crack for so long, I didn’t realize it.”
“All Rappers Everywhere: ‘Saying Fag Just Isn’t Cool Anymore,’ Denounce Homophobia in Hip-Hop”
The LGBT community has always had complicated relationship with mainstream hip-hop, the music of which is often riddled with homophobic slurs and straight male posturing. So it was with open arms that gay men and women received the news this morning that All Rappers Everywhere had agreed to stop acting like middle school playground bullies. “So many things rhyme with ‘slag,’ a noted rapper told reporters. “Hag, bag, lag, gag, rag, tag, jag. It’s time to stop using an oppressed minority community as a scapegoat in our lyrics just because it’s easy.”
“ABC Orders Full Season of Fortune Feimster Sitcom”
In an effort to quell the horror of CBS’ comedy lineup and bring actual laughs and harmony to the world, ABC has given a full season pick-up to super lesbian Fortune Feimster‘s new sitcom. Feimster, a beloved AfterEllen comic and regular Chelsea Lately panelist, responded to the news with characteristic aplomb, smiling shyly and saying thanks, while clearing off a place on her bookshelf for her impending Emmy influx.
“Supreme Court Strikes Down DOMA, Prop. 8, Citing, ‘Basic Human Equality, You Conservative Morons’”
As individual states continue to wake up from their centuries-long stupor and realize that gay people deserve the same rights as straight people — Illinois, for example, just passed marriage equality legislation all by itself — the Supreme Court fell in line with public opinion and overturned the Defense of Marriage Act yesterday, just weeks after declaring California’s Proposition 8 Unconstitutional. The landmark gay rights cases mean that the majority will no longer be able to vote on civil rights of the minority. It also means same-sex marriages may soon be recognized at the national level, which will mean revolutionary changes for gay Americans.
“Hillary Clinton: ‘Just Kidding, You Guys. Of Course I Will Run for President.’”
After demuring for the last nine years about a 2016 bid for presidency, Hillary Clinton finally revealed this weekend that she will “of course” fun for president in 2016. “I just needed some sleep and a few weeks’ vacation,” she told reporters at a state dinner at the White House. “I did more for American foreign policy and national security as Secretary of State than our last five presidents combined. And yes, I am including Bill in that number. As president, I will continue to bring healing to the world as I survey the peace and prosperity of my American kingdom from Pride Rock like Mufasa. When asked who was Scar in her Lion King analogy, Hillary laughed and said, “Rush Limbaugh, mostly because his listeners are hyenas.”
“Winning is every girl’s dream, but it’s our destiny. And also our dream.” (Photo: NBC/Getty)
“Parks and Recreation Renewed for Forever, Tina Fey to Join Cast“
When 30 Rock aired its final episode earlier this year, the world wailed and gnashed its teeth and begged Tina Fey to forgive them for taking her for granted. Luckily, Fey heard the cry of her people and signed on to star in BFF Amy Poehler’s comedy Parks and Recreation, which, incidentally, was given an eternal pick-up by NBC during the Television Critics Association press tour in January.
“Lindsay Lohan Has Her Shit Together for Record 300th Day in a Row”
It has been exactly 300 days since Lindsay Lohan was last photographed in a Los Angeles County jail wearing an orange jumpsuit and an expression of drunken incredulity. In fact, the (once?) troubled starlet hasn’t been captured in any compromising photos in nearly a year. Neither has she gone on any Twitter rampages or participated in any on-set shenanigans, all of which makes us wonder if Fetch has finally truly happened.
“[Celebrity everyone has always known is gay] comes out as gay”
For years, it has been unspoken public knowledge that [celebrity everyone has always known is gay] is gay. Today, [celebrity] said in an interview on Good Morning America, “Yeah, I’m gay.” Hurray!
“Chris Brown Takes Permanent Vow of Silence, Moves to Antarctica”
Super punk Chris Brown announced today via a statement from his manager that he has taken a permanent vow of silence and plans to move in with some Emperor Penguins in Antarctica later this month. “I’m a giant ass,” Brown’s statement said. “I beat up women, tattoo photos of beaten women on my body, go on rage-fueled rampages in public on the regular, and generally possess the maturity of a ‘roided-up toddler. So, to save the world from more of my disgusting bullshit, I have decided to pack up and move to Antarctica.” Team Breezy is expected to follow.
“Justin Bieber Shocker: ‘He’ is Actually a Lesbian Named Justine. Selena Gomez Comes Out”
It turns out that Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber have actually been looking at a lesbian named Justine Bieber. Bieber announced this morning that he and lesbian girlfriend Selena Gomez concocted their superstar scheme in middle school when they realized the music industry awards pre-pubescent male stardom while tearing apart the self-worth of young female musicians who refuse to play the role of virgin slut. Now that Justine has amassed more wealth than the King of France, she and Selena plan to buy an island and live in retire to relative obscurity where they will make fun of their friends who are still single in the scene and spend 20 – 23 hours a day talking about their feelings.
“Numerous Male Legislators Admit They Have No Idea How Female Reproductive Systems Work; Agree to Take Remedial Classes, Stop Legislating”
After the disastrous 2012 election in which privileged white male congressmen were forced to open their mouths and say literally anything that wasn’t batshit crazy about women and their vaginas, dozens of male legislators admitted their ignorance today during a basic sex-ed test administered during the first days of the new session of Congress. Bewildered representatives from all over the country were heard on Capitol Hill this afternoon muttering things like, “Condoms aren’t manufactured in hell by the devil?” And “Rape can get a woman pregnant even if she doesn’t want to get pregnant?” And “It’s not 1814 anymore?” Many of the Congressmen’s brains are now broken and they will be stepping aside to allow people with a basic understanding of human sexuality to govern the country.
What headlines would you like to see in 2013?