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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.12): Last one in is a rotten egg

You know what bugs me on TV cop shows — other than when two very obviously gay characters aren’t gay together? When a single woman on a TV cop show comes home alone in the dark and we know even before we know her name that she is doomed to a terrible death by someone lying in wait. It’s sort of the oldest trick in the book when it comes to crime procedurals. For extra special been there, seen that points, there’s usually a scene of the doomed woman looking at herself happily in a mirror right before the killer strikes. And, alas, Rizzoli & Isles chose to start its summer finale with exactly this tired old trope.

It’s morning and a non-single (but unwilling to admit it publicly) Jane Rizzoli barges into Maura Isles’ townhouse. Not a knock, not a slowly open to check if the coast is clear — because even though she stubbornly refuses to give up her own apartment, this is clearly Jane’s home. Though, come to think of it, how long has it been since we’ve seen Jane’s place anyway? I’m pretty sure she’s just renting it out on Airbnb at this point, like I suggested.

Jane tells Maura to hop to it because aforementioned doomed girl is indeed dead. Maura is perplexed she didn’t get to do their trademark tandem “Rizzoli” and “Isles” phone answering routine. Her cell was on silent. Then Jane notices a second coffee mug and assumes it is for her. But alas it’s for Prof. Beard, who is keeping up appearances by pretending to have lost his pants.

Oh, Jane. This is the price you pay for continuing this charade. Sometimes you have to see the beard in a kimono before your first cup of morning coffee. Jane’s face says pretty much all we need to know about her feelings on this situation. Maura scolds Jane for being “a little terse” with Prof. Beard. She replies that, “Men in kimonos make me uncomfortable.” Oh, Janie — men in general make you uncomfortable. Maura corrects her as such, but in a secret girlfriend code which sounds to the outsider like she is correcting Jane’s grammatical use of the word “kimono.”

Jane and Maura arrive at the doomed woman’s place, when Jane realizes the beard mentioned something about an “Allie.” She inquires because Maura’s business is her business, especially any business involving a dude in a kimono. Allie is Jack’s seventh-grade daughter, who is going to shadow Maura for a school project.

This worried Jane because the girl might get bored. Yes, yes — we can all read between the lines. “Bored” means “major boundary issues.” Since when are they meeting the offspring of beards? Maura says she’ll just “vamp” if things get boring/boundary crossing by talking about things that interested her at that age. You know, favorite childhood books and/or the anti-microbial properties of common foods.

Jane gives her girlfriend the, “I love you, you incredible nerd” face and hopes Maura goes the Anne of Green Gables route instead of the broccoli route. Also, all of a sudden I’m envisioning little Jane Rizzoli reading all about Anne Shirley and it is filling my heart with so much joy.

Jane surveys the victim’s apartment and knows immediately the woman is in her twenties. It was the “Starry Night” poster that tipped her off. She complains about the law that says all first apartments must be decorated with the same five posters. And then she bets Maura $20 that the accompanying poster in the bedroom will be Marilyn Monroe on the subway grate. Maura takes the bet because taste is an individual’s preference based on their specific cultural experience.

Bet made, they storm past Korsak to see who wins. Korsak is always in the middle of dead body flirting. But, unlike Senior Criminalist Susie Chang, he knows better than to interrupt.

Because the two rules of life are never start a land war in Asia and never go against a Rizzoli when $20 is at stake, Jane wins the bet. There’s Ms. Monroe in all her white dress glory. Jane demands Maura, “Pay up, baby!” But Maura replies, with a point of her gloved-finger, “Maybe after.” Flirting over dead bodies is one thing, exchanging sexual favors over them is entirely another thing.

Jane grumbles that she won’t forget and they get to the business of the dead body. Back in the autopsy room, Jane reminds her a debt is owed. Maura is still trying to defend the merits of the victim’s entry-level poster choices. Jane can see it now, Bob Marley mosaics and “Keep Calm and Buy Shoes” plastered across the Isles Estate.

Maura likes the latter, though we all know in the very back of her closet she secretly has one of those kitten hanging on a branch posters emblazoned with the slogan “Hang In There.” She looks at it whenever she needs a little extra encouragement that one day Jane will finally, finally come out of the closet.

The victim has been asphyxiated, and a wine cork stuck down her throat. It’s an exact replica of a murder case in a neighboring county. Only problem: that killer has been convicted and is behind bars. So, copycat or wrong guy?

The original doer dated the victim and the cork was a way to shut her up after they broke up. Wow, way to be a misogynistic pig telling a woman to quite literally put a cork in it, dude. The new victim has a secret boyfriend she called “The Package.” Poor Jane, so much discussion of men and their packages today. She takes her displaced frustration out on the victim’s rhinestoned cellphone case. She declares it as if “Hello Kitty threw up on My Little Pony.” But then Nina flips over her phone to show similar bling. See Jane run. See Jane back peddle. Back peddle, Jane. Back peddle.

Maura arrives at the Dirty Robber, where she is meeting Mama Rizzoli for lunch. She runs into Korsak first who asks her cryptically what she thinks about the restaurant. Hey, is Korsak gonna buy the joint? That would be one way to keep him on the show after he retires. But before we can find out Angela whisks Maura away with a stern, “We need to talk.”

Jane is already at the table, “under protest.” Holy shit, are we finally going to get the coming out intervention we’ve all been waiting for for five seasons? Is this the moment? But no, it’s not the moment. It’s a moment for Mama R to grill Maura on meeting Allie. See, everyone thinks it’s weird she is meeting the beard’s kid.

Jane apologizes under her breathe to Maura for telling her mom and setting the intervention in motion. Ladies, how many times have you done the exact same thing to your girlfriend when confronted with an accidental mother-in-law ambush? Exactly.

Mama R asks Maura’s thoughts on Pretty Little Liars. This is what happens when #BooRadleyVanCullen invades your #Gayzzoli. Maura responds it’s not good to lie whether you’re pretty or little and then beams with pride. Oh, girl, you have been missing out. Good thing you can read Heather’s fabulous recaps to catch up.

Maura also doesn’t know who Lady Antebellum or Lady Gaga are, which gets a glare from Jane because even if they aren’t out and proud at bare minimum they should know who Our Lady of Gaga, Patron Saint of The Gay is. Well, at least she knows Lady and the Tramp. I’m now imagining Jane and Maura recreating the spaghetti eating scene and I’m filled with joy again.

Mama R shoves a stack of teen magazines at Maura and tells her to start studying. If she doesn’t know the difference between JLo, CeeLo and LMFAO she’s probably screwed. That’s our little pop culture deer in headlights.

Through the wonders of the Magic Enhance Computer Button, Jane & Co. zoom into some security footage and find out that the victim was texting the prosecutor of the previous cork killer case. So “The Package” is actually “The Prosecutor.” Cue dun-dun-dun sound. p.s. Man, I wish I had a Magic Enhance Computer Button that would help me write recaps. I’d get so much more sleep.

Jane is gung ho to question the lying, cheating married prosecutor, but Korsak advises a more cautious approach. He’s worried about Jane’s ability to control her face, which may be my most favorite thing any character besides Maura has ever said to Jane. Never mind the faces of Eve. I’d much rather watch the faces of Rizzoli.

While Jane tries in vain to control her face, Maura is brushing up on her teenage curriculum. She runs into some texting tweens at a snack cart and tries to engage. Do not engage, never engage. But it’s too late, she is talking to them about their ringtones (You know, that Katy Perry “Goodbye to the tiger” song) and they throw massive shade her way. Maura, honey — never snap your fingers and sing in front of tweens. It only shows your weakness and they will pounce on you like lions on a wounded gazelle.

She then asks them about their interaction for part of her field research. They rate her performance “too close” and “too needy.” Also, has no one ever heard of stranger danger? Not for the kids, but for Maura. Because that was brutal.

Slightly less brutal is the grilling Jane and Korsak give the Package Prosecutor. Also, isn’t that a perfect name for one of those B-movie girls in prison lezsploitation flicks? The Package Prosecutor (Jamie Bamber from Battlestar Galactica fame) admits to a relationship with the victim and being with her the night she died. He then turns on the waterworks, which does not impress Jane one tiny bit. Nor does his clichéd request to leave his wife out of the investigation.

Jane goes down to see Maura and rant a little about cheating. See, our girl was jealous about that for-show display with Prof. Beard after all. Maura changes the subject quickly back to the case because it’s exhausting explaining to Jane that she is doing this whole thing because of Jane’s need to hide their relationship in the first place — again. The case proves much less frustrating as the Package Prosecutor’s hair was found in the tub drain and fingerprint was found on the underside of the toilet handle. But he told them he had never been at her place. Cue more dun-dun-dun sounds.

Still Maura has more important things to worry about than a lying, cheating Package Prosecutor. She has a tween girl headed to her office with possibly murderous intent. Allie walks in and stares at Maura’s tribal masks. Oh no, is this the start of the tweenpocalypse? Is Maura dead in the pop culture water? Not a chance. Allie turns out to be a mini-Maura and goes on about conceptual personhood and cultural spiritualism. Now cue audible sigh of relief sounds from Maura.

Hey, since Jane isn’t having a baby anymore can Maura and her adopt this kid? But ditch the dad, of course. They bond over how much cooler they both are than Prof. Beard and it’s all smiles and giggles and the scientific properties of rainbows between those two.

Jane and Korsak go to see the Package Prosecutor in lock up. He has been beaten up by the other inmates, which Jane does not take kindly to. Nor does she enjoy the prison guard’s blasé attitude about said beating. Pissed-off, bossy Rizzoli continues to be one of my favorite Faces of Rizzoli.

Package Prosecutor insists he is innocent and the killer is still out there. Jane remains unconvinced, but is also starting to crack a little. In fact, she has developed a downright soft spot for the lying, cheating guy because she sneaks him out the back entrance instead of feeding him to the waiting press.

But, not before she grills him on how much he really loved the victim. Favorite color. Favorite food. And he passes. He says glumly that, “Maybe love always ends with someone getting hurt.” Jane sighs and says, “God, I hope not.” He replies, “Me too, for your sake anyway.” Hey, show, even your murder suspect sees the subtext.

His very thinly veiled words get to Jane, who starts to question the case even more. He loved the victim, and suddenly it “doesn’t feel right.” Her gut is telling her there is reasonable doubt. Gut or heart, Jane? It takes guts to show your heart, I do know that. *cough, come out already, cough*

While one case opens up, another one closes. Maura has been deemed the definition of cool. Prof. Beard arrives after the visit to check in. But instead of seeming pleased he asks Maura if she gave Allie lipstick. Maura admits to letting her try on lip gloss, even though her mother doesn’t allow her to wear makeup. This is the moment when every lesbian watching says a secret prayer that this will be the dealbreaker. Please, Lesbian Jesus, in a perfectly ironic twist let lipstick be their undoing. PLEASE.

Cue wah-wah-wahhhh sound, because instead of breaking it off Prof. Beard thanks Maura (with his face) for solving the parenting riddle of what was bothering his tween daughter. OK, so he is a bad parent and a bad kisser. You know, I really like Enver Gjokaj as an actor. But I really, really, really like that he got cast in another show. I hope it keeps him busy. So busy.

The team go over the evidence in the case together again and Jane notices something weird about the flusher. Always the plumber’s daughter, she uses a wrench to examine the handle and notes that it doesn’t go with the toilet. Thank heavens they followed up Maura and Jack’s unpleasantness with a scene of Jane using tools. We needed the palate cleanser desperately. Now if we could just flush the whole Jack storyline entirely.

New evidence in hand, Jane now believes the Package Prosecutor has been set up. They go to talk with him, but find only his frantic wife. She plays an ominous sounding voicemail for them. He apparently is going to attempt suicide.

Nina has analyzed the voicemail ambient noise with her Magic Enhance Computer Button. She runs down to Maura’s office with the recording because, duh, that’s where Jane always is. They hear planes, gunfire and bridge noises. Sounds like a party, where do I sign up?

Jane pinpoints the location immediately because her whole brain is a Magical Enhance Computer Button when it comes to crime. She starts to run off, but Maura says she isn’t going alone. She grabs her coat and says, “Then it’s you and me.” RIZZLES4LYFE, y’all.

The look on Nina’s face is priceless. It’s like, “Oh shit, these two ladies are totally in love.”

Jane and Maura pull up to the bridge and see Package Prosecutor’s car. I’d also like to note that it’s fully dark out now. When they spoke with the wife it was totally bright out. How long has this dude been standing on that bridge? How long has his car been blocking the bridge and no one noticed?

Jane tells Maura to stay back to not spook him. She says he isn’t bluffing. Are we sure? Have I mentioned how long he has been standing there? Jane finds him and tries to coax him off. She crawls over the guardrail to get closer, prompting a panicky “Jane, don’t” from Maura. That poor woman. Loving Det. Jane Rizzoli can’t be easy.

Because you just can’t stop Super Jane. She is faster than a speeding bullet to the stomach. Twice. Stronger than a serial killer. Twice. She tells the Package Prosecutor to think of the victim, and how much he loved her. And how she deserves justice. He agrees, and turns to climb off. But then, of course, slips and falls into the water.

So what does Jane do? She jumps in right after him. Maura runs over to the bridge’s edge and wails Jane’s name. It is terror and heartbreak and horror all wrapped into one. But there are only bubbles and ripples and a “To Be Continued…” in reply.

I’d cue the dun-dun-dun noise one last time, but we all know Jane is going to emerge from the water safely because Korsak & Isles just doesn’t have the same ring to it. See you in February, folks. Thanks for hanging with me on our inaugural Summer of Nash. Overall, I’d say she didn’t do too bad. I mean, Jack has to hit the road immediately, but otherwise the Gayzzoli is strong with that one.

And now, onto your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week. I made an extra-long edition for the summer finale as thanks for letting me post the recap late.

Extra Special Bonus Stealth Rizzles Tweet:

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