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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.10): Loosen up my buttons, baby

Jane is being impatient. I don’t even know why I’m typing this because this is one of Jane’s most common activities, second only to “Jane is looking lovingly at Maura.” This time she is impatient about her mother returning from a trip to her apartment. She is pacing and looking at her watch as Maura calmly pours them some coffee. And then she tells Maura something about her lady parts. I don’t know, I wasn’t listening but that’s sure what it looks like.

Jane is waiting to get her letter from the doctor clearing her to go back to work. I have no idea why Jane sent her mother to her place to get the mail instead of going herself, but my guess is because she needed a little alone time with Maura. Recouping with your girlfriend is one thing, recouping with your girlfriend while your mom watches is entirely another. You can tell Maura is trying to take advantage of the moment because she tries to get Jane to pucker up. Again, pictures don’t lie.

Jane can’t understand why she hasn’t gotten her letter yet, but we all know it’s because Mama Rizzoli stole it. Please, we all knew it the second Jane mentioned that letter. For a detective, sometimes Jane is incredibly dense about her personal life.

Maura tries to calm her girlfriend and tells her even though Jane is dying to get back to work, she has loved having her there and “I’m sad that you’re leaving.” See, see? This is what I meant about Jane being dense about her personal life. She has the perfect moment to finally U-Haul it with Maura once and for all, but still insists on moving back to her so-called “apartment.” Give it up, we all know you have that thing listed on Airbnb.

Jane says she is sad, too — “so sad.” Oh, girl — good luck getting Maura to go near those lady parts you were gesturing so wildly at anytime soon. How about being a little appreciative. I mean, she nurses you back to health AND lets your mother live with her. What more do you want? The woman is perfect. Put a ring on it already.

Luckily, Maura “Perfect Girlfriend” is indeed perfect and brushes off Jane’s snarkiness. She realizes her girlfriend is more happy about going back to work than if she had found a way to magically turn all the lettuce of the world into beer. But Jane isn’t sure and challenges her girlfriend to make it happen. So demanding, that one.

Maura R finally arrives, lugging a black garbage bag full of Jane’s clothes. Yes, we all knew Jane would be the kind of person who used garbage bags instead of actual luggage — we just knew. The letter isn’t there, of course. Because MAMA R STOLE IT. Hey, just because the crimes have gotten harder to guess doesn’t mean all the other plot points have, too.

She tells Jane the doctor must think she needs more rest and orders her to lay down and she’ll bring her snacks. Jane, you are an idiot. Your mom is bringing you snacks and you’re living with the world’s most perfect girlfriend. Shut up and be thankful for your life.

Of course Jane can’t. She asks Maura to put her in a medically induced coma and/or give her oxy. OK, fine, I know what she’s doing. Because behind looking lovingly at Maura and being impatient, Jane’s third most favorite activity is making her mother and girlfriend’s faces do this.

Since for whatever reason the show’s producers won’t let it just be about Jane and Maura snuggling all the time, Korsak heads to prison to set this week’s crime-of-the-week in motion. Actually, it’s an old crime. An old high school friend in prison has asked him to look into his case one last time as his dying request. He was convicted of burning down his house and killing his wife and daughter.

But, of course, he claims he didn’t set the fire. Also, is he wearing red? That’s a new one. I mean, we all know about orange and beige. But red? Does it mean something else when they’re in red? Sorry, got distracted because of the boring exposition about him exhausting his appeals and having no other legal outlet. Vince promises to check out his file. And away we go.

Meanwhile Jane is checking out the Tupperware. She is helping Maura clear the dinner dishes in that unspoken way couples clear the dinner dishes. These two are more coupley than most actual couples.

Jane is complaining about her mom’s clinginess. See, now this I understand. Once you move in to Maura’s place for good I do think you’ll have to reassess the living situation. Oh, perhaps your mom can take your apartment since you’re so stupidly attached to it. A knock on the door interrupts the planning of future familial living arrangements.

It’s Vince. He has wine and a box of case files, which is not a hostess gift I’d suggest for most people but in this instance is perfect. He asks Maura to use her superior brain and modern science to look over the 15-year-old case for him.

Jane grabs a file right away and Korsak tug-o-wars it back because she doesn’t have her medical release letter yet. I’m a tiny bit surprised she didn’t try to bite off one of his fingers for taking it from her. Maybe living with more genteel Maura is rubbing off on her after all.

Oh, wait. She hasn’t gotten more polite. She has just gotten more sneaky. While Korsak and Maura discuss the case, Jane steals a couple papers out of the box for some nice, before-bed reading. Nothing like a report on a lethal homicide to send you off into peaceful slumber.

Jane hustles off with her contraband tucked inside of some fashion magazines and says she’s turning in. Naturally, this brings a scowl to Maura’s face because how dare she go to bed without her? Also, with no kiss. Rude.

The next morning Jane is still reading her “magazines.” See, I knew the only way Det. Jane Rizzoli would be poring over glossy fashion rags would be because she’s really reading about grisly murder. Otherwise, you know she’d be reading Sports Illustrated.

Mama R thinks the same thing, because she mentioned a pastrami sandwich and Jane didn’t automatically start drooling. She asks Jane what’s so fascinating in that fashion magazine she’s never seen her read before. And Jane sputters out, “I was just reading this article…10 ways to please my man…and make him happy as a clam…with a candle.”

And then they both laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. Because we know Jane has no interest in how to please a man. And even when pretending to be straight she can’t help bringing up clams.

Clearly, nobody is buying this. Mama R certainly isn’t because she asks which is more fascinating to Jane, “the candle or the clam?” Holy crap, I think she just finally asked Jane if she was gay. Metaphorically.

Of course, Jane deflects and asks Mama R what she was asking about earlier. Ah, the retreat to the safety of conversations about sandwiches. Seriously, Mama R, go to a PFLAG meeting. It’ll all be OK.

Maura meets Korsak for coffee and tells him her findings. The accelerant the report claims was used, and Korsak’s friend was convicted on, couldn’t have caused the victim’s deaths. Something about super-heated air. Sorry, once again I was distracted because I’m trying to figure out if Maura is wearing a vest. Don’t laugh, this is very important lesbian research I’m conducting.

OK, so it wasn’t a vest. But it is some sort of vest-like sleeveless pantsuit. Either way, thank you costume department. Arms! Arms!

Maura has enlisted the help of Nina. Look, I enjoy my work but there’s no way I’m coming in for free on the weekend. Frankie has been sucked in as well, and Jane knows it so she calls to consult on the case. Jane tells him to check in on the wife’s boyfriend, who was never questioned. Then she quickly hops back on the couch in time to “fool” her mom into thinking she is really reading those upside down fashion mags. The denial is powerful in this one.

Maura meets up with Korsak again and tells him about the real chemical that caused the fire. But first she tries to list all 38 materials that were originally tested inside the home. Korsak stops her, and Maura acknowledges that if Jane were here she’d have to fight the urge to strangle her with her bare hands — with love. Man, it’s not the same when Jane isn’t at work to fake threaten her girlfriend herself.

Korsak needs to get the evidence to retest, but he can’t get it released without the proper signed forms. And those forms need to be signed by the lead detective and prosecutor, two people probably not keen on getting proven wrong. Dilemma!

He calls Maura’s, and finds our couple making dinner. Duh. Jane is confused about why she has to rewash the prewashed salad mix, and Maura is cleaning an entire farmer’s market worth of veggies. Clearly, they’re practicing that lettuce-into-beer magic trick.

Jane says the evidence clerk ate a rulebook and it got stuck in his colon. Maura corrects that’s not how digestion works. And Korsak stares at the phone like, “Who do you two think you’re kidding. So married.”

Just when Korsak is ready to hang up and let the lovebirds get back to their salad, Jane grabs some linens and a sharpie and writes a note to Maura. I’ve heard of pillow talk, but this is ridiculous.

Maura of course chastises Jane for writing on her good cloth napkins, but relays the information nonetheless. Jane promises to make it up to Maura later, anyway. I mean she is going to be washing linens later anyway, why not mess up the sheets too?

The next day Maura thanks Nina for her work on the case yesterday. But it’s just a cover for them to talk about how hot policewomen look in uniform. Though Nina says she doesn’t miss wearing the pure polyester. Then all of a sudden Maura is aghast thinking of so much synthetic fiber touching her girlfriend’s skin when she is in her dress blues.

Speak of the she-devil, Jane slinks into the cafeteria. At least, I think it is Jane. I can’t really tell because it’s Jane, but dressed like a flight attendant. The look on Maura’s face when she sees her is beyond priceless. It says, “Jane, baby. We only wear that in private when we’re role-playing.” Also, I’m pretty sure Maura gave her girlfriend the full up-and-down. Though, can you blame her? Her girlfriend looks like Angie Harmon.

But Jane isn’t there for special sexytimes. At least not with Maura. She is doing her own, solo roleplaying instead. She has dressed up like what she claims is a sexy librarian outfit and what Maura more correctly identifies as a sexy stewardess instead. Then Maura correctly identifies her suit and blouse on Jane. It’s true, going through each other’s closets and sharing clothes is one of the biggest advantages to being a gay lady.

Maura suggests she lose the scarf, which screams, “your seat cushion can also be used as a floatation device.” I’d like for us all to bask in Maura’s impeccable flight attendant impersonation. It convinces Jane to take off the scarf, which she hands to a dumbstruck Maura and scampers off.

Poor Maura. You’d be totally shocked too if your girlfriend showed up at your work in your secret sexytimes outfit.

Rest assured, Jane’s co-workers are equally surprised by her appearance. None more than Korsak who actually looks like he has pieced together what Jane usually uses that outfit for. Just as surprising is what Jane has with her, the evidence they need to have retested.

The men are befuddled. How ever did she convince the evidence clerk? Well, now, it’s because Jane is a good detective (and also a lesbian) who noticed his sexy ladies wearing glasses calendar on his wall. Oh, Jane, don’t you know you’re only supposed to use the sexy librarian routine on Maura.

Also, can we talk about how few buttons Jane has buttoned on that blouse? I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in most states. Hello.

Testing on the evidence shows the chemicals that caused the fire are nowhere on the convicted man’s pants, and the chemical they did find was only there because — well — he peed himself. Well, that’s one way to beat a murder rap.

Jane arrives back at Maura’s place, in Maura’s clothes. Mama R sees her and is like, “What you two do behind closed doors is fine, I just don’t want to see it.” Jane tells her she has been to the police station and Mama R finally gets it. She gets that Jane loves her job. Shoot, that wasn’t what I was hoping she would get.

She walks over to the drawer and pulls out, yep, it’s the medical clearance letter. Toldja. She has kept it hidden from Jane for two days because she isn’t ready for her to leave. Wow. Someone book Mama R an appointment with Dr. Melfi. Someone needs to reestablish healthy boundaries.

She is having a bit of a mental breakdown talking about how worried she gets about Jane’s job. Um, Mama R, not to interrupt but you have another child who is also a cop. Do you give him this lecture, too? Because otherwise you’re just being a little sexist. Also, after your daughter shoots herself in the stomach to escape a hostage situation, I kind of think there’s nothing about her line of work that would shock you anymore. Just saying.

Jane celebrates on the couch and prepares to go back to work in two days. Girl, keep that get-up on. You can “celebrate” with Maura later when she gets off work.

While the team has proved Korsak’s friend innocent, they still need to find a motive and suspect for the fire to convince the D.A. Really? Because, call me a crazy optimist, but I’d think a man’s innocence should be enough to get him out of prison.

The detectives zero in on the family’s neighbor, who skipped town right after the fire. He was killed six months later. Through the magic of surveillance videos and Skype, they figure out the next-door neighbor was in trouble with a biker gang known for making meth. Whew, that one took a second. So the fire was set accidentally, to try to hurt the neighbor. And they mixed them up because both men drove red pickup trucks. Yeah, you know when the criminals aren’t that smart? Not checking the house number before burning it down would suggest that is very true.

Case essentially solved, Jane finally gets her badge back. But not before we get a heartwarming story from Mama R about her first day at school when she came home with a missing tooth from a fight with a boy. Yep, that one was most definitely a budding lesbian.

Jane arrives at work time to wrap up the case. She gets the biker dude to confess, and finally the falsely convicted man’s son realizes his dad is innocent. Well done, team. Who wants to snuggle? Anyone? Anyone? Oh, you two, we can always count on you two.

Maura pours her girlfriend a champagne flute of beer, while she has the real thing. (p.s. It’s Peroni again. Sheesh, has Jane switched beers? This is such an important lesbian life decision.) Jane asks where her mom is. Yes, they both need that session with Dr. Melfi on boundaries. Maura tells her she sent her off dancing so they could have the night alone together.

Jane starts to panic about her mom’s whereabouts. Overprotective mama, overprotective daughter. Apples, trees, you get the picture. Maura takes Jane’s hand and says she knows what this is really about: Jane’s continued anxieties about moving in together.

Of course, Jane deflects with more jibber-jabber about her mother. And then in a bit of masterful turnaround, she worries aloud that her mom might leave her drink unattended and get roofied. With a pointed look at Maura she says we all know how that turns out. Oh, continuity, you are so nice to see on this show.

Jane threatens to pull up Maura’s booking photo. I have a sneaking suspicion this is something she does a lot — to keep her lady in line. Poor Maura, a lifetime with Jane means a lifetime of teasing. But you know she not-so secretly loves it.

They resign themselves to waiting for her on the couch together. But not before Maura gives Jane her “going away” present. It’s “Hazardous Material” bags in lieu of luggage. Maura tells her she was going to get her a stick with a bandana on the end, but it was too hobo chic. Atta girl, see, she has learned how to tease back. Jane looks lovingly at Maura, and they share a little thank-god-your-mother-isn’t-here eye sex.

Then they decide to order a pizza and snuggle together under a blanket on the couch while watching TV. It’s pretty much the most perfect lesbian date ever. And the very definition of a Big Gayzzoli Ending. My work here is done.

Everything was under-the-blanket snuggles and nothing hurt this week in #Gayzzoli. Scoot a little closer on the couch together and let’s check out the tweets of the week.

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