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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.07): How to lose a guy in 10 days

This week I feel like I could just write, “Maura does everything she can to avoid going on a date with a man. Jane helps.” and then just go have margaritas. Boom, recap done. Happy hour here I come.

But, fine, I won’t. Because the devil(ish fun) is always in the details. Of course, things start off a lot less than fun. Unless you consider getting your fingers broken one-by-one a laugh-riot good time. In which case, *scoots away* no, that’s fine. I’m not terrified by you.

So it’s 8:30 a.m. and Det. Jane Rizzoli is where she always is—eating breakfast at Maura’s place. Maura comes in and pours herself a cup of coffee while giving Jane a look like, “I really don’t understand why you keep wasting your money and don’t just move in already.”

Jane notices it right away as her tuned Girlfriend Feelings Radar (GFFR) dings in warning. But Jane already knows how Maura will deflect her true feelings about moving in into grumbling disapproval of Jane’s “pants and shirt” combo. Far be it from me to speak ill of the standard-issue lesbian causal work attire, but I do prefer it when Jane upgrades to a button-down. What? You’ve been thinking it, too.

Maura says she’s worried about how Jane looks when she meets Jack, henceforth to be known as Professor Beard. Don’t laugh, introducing your beard to your girlfriend is an important step in the beard-client relationship. When your beard doesn’t get along with your girlfriend it causes so many headaches.

To emphasize the point Maura tells Jane, “I want you to look as good for him as you do for me.” Yeah, let what she just said sink in. Almost there, almost there. Yep, that was super gay.

Jane looks at Maura like, “Honey, you want me to wear that tight sailor outfit you like for your beard?”

Maura quickly clarifies she just wants her to look really good. Establishing your girlfriend’s superior hotness is another key aspect of the beard-client relationship. Jane jokes about owning an Alexander Wang dress and all the lesbians laugh and laugh and laugh with her.

Jane turns it around and tells Maura she should worry about her own femme credentials since she’s missing a Chanel earring. Maura goes all exasperated lipstick and checks herself in the wine fridge reflection. Jane suppresses a laugh and tells Maura she hopes she isn’t missing something else that rhymes with “manties.” Then she offers to check, just to be safe. You know that happened. You know.

Maura confesses she has been a little discombobulated lately trying to adjust to another beard. Then she sits Jane down for a long talk about their relationship and whether they’re finally ready to stop hiding and start being open and honest with each other and the world. But in her head. Because instead she just says something about being nervous about Prof. Beard because he is the first beard in a long time who hasn’t tried to kill her.

Jane responds in a way that makes Maura secretly happy she didn’t try to have The Talk. She tells Maura to concentrate on not scaring him off with her science-y work talk. Yes, any good relationship involves suppressing one’s own intellectual interests so it won’t be “scary” to the dude. Sigh.

She suggests Maura talks about puppies instead. And, as anyone who watches Orphan Black knows, “puppy” is the preferred pet name for geeky scientist gay girls everywhere to call their girlfriends. Just ask Cosima and Delphine. So, in essence, Jane is telling Maura to talk about her with Prof. Beard. Booyah.

Jane reminds Maura to grab her keys (such a girlfriend move) and off to fight crime they go. They arrive at the rare book dealer’s shop, and immediately I’m imagining inappropriate sexy librarian fantasies between Jane and Maura. Sorry, sorry—horrible torturous death and all of that.

The bookstore owner’s only employee is a young guy with tattoos, so clearly he is a suspect. But, because this is not the first crime procedural we’ve ever watched, we are also pretty sure he didn’t do it.

Back in the autopsy room, Jane and Maura enjoy each other’s presence in the romantic glow of the morgue lights. Korsak pops his head in to say he is sorry he is going to have to ruin their dinner plans. Of course, he knows they have dinner plans because that’s what couples do—they eat out together. Ahem. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Oh, darn. Looks like Maura will have to cancel their dinner plans with Prof. Beard. Bring out the counter, because that’s Cancellation No. 1 for the night. Jane leaves to check out the crime scene and Maura promises to only talk about “catuli” (puppies in Latin) with Prof. Beard. So, once again, she promises to only talk about Jane. These two, I swear.

The next day Maura tries to impress Jane with all the ways she talked about her, I mean “puppies,” at dinner. Plus we learn Maura’s new secret nickname for Jane is “Schnoodle.” Jane couldn’t be prouder of her girlfriend, and is of course pleased that Maura’s beard relationship is going well. Power of the closet, people.

Red Herring No. 1 is brought in for questioning with Jane and Korsak because, again, tattoos. He tells them that six months ago something changed with the victim, he stopped caring about the store and everything else. Meanwhile Frankie goes to see Maura about more evidence, but mostly to see how his beard replacement is doing. I know, you two flirted with giving it a try, but in the end it was just too weird for everyone involved. Praise be to Jan Nash.

Maura tells Frankie it’s not even that serious yet, because Jane hasn’t met him. Frankie nods in agreement because a beard Jane doesn’t like is a beard that will be either dumped, in jail or dead in the bottom of an elevator shaft.

Jane is looking disdainfully at the safe cracker back at the crime scene. He has a hickey on his neck from his “convention.” Do adult people really still give each other hickeys? But the safe was empty so Jane looks around for alternate hiding places. She finds a loose baseboard and asks hickey man for a crowbar. He pulls a, “Want me to do that for you, little lady?” And Jane replies, “Want me to hit you in the nuts with it?” See, it’s stuff like this—threatening harm to the male genitalia with feminist righteousness—that only makes me love this show more.

Inside they find what appears to be an old book with a note to give it to “Father Cowens.” Turns out the priest was to be just a delivery guy to give the book to a literature professor and tell him it was a riddle. And, indeed, the victim had something “heavy” weighing on his heart. Yes, folks, gone are the days when we watched this show and sat back in self-satisfaction after the first five minutes with a gloaty, “The sister did it.” Like, I have no idea where this is going.

Maura is examining the book and tells Jane the professor it was meant for is a “superhero in the world of illuminated manuscripts.” Jane immediately poopooes the concept of nerd superheroes. Hey now, Jane. Bruce Banner was a scientist. Peter Parker was a high school science genius. And wasn’t that three out of the Fantastic Four’s chosen profession. Nerdy academics can totally be superheroes. Fine, maybe not a literature professor. Now if he was an archeology professor…

Jane’s superhero scientist girlfriend promises to get to the bottom of the mystery and leave no page left unturned. Very punny, Maura. Jane is so pleased with her girlfriend this week. So many puns, so many metaphors for football glory.

Their happy celebration of each other’s awesomeness is interrupted by Mama Rizzoli. She is a vision in beige, modeling the latest in potato sack chic.

Jane and Maura look at each other and wordlessly say, “I know us lesbians aren’t stereotypically known for our fashion sense, but, damn—that looks bad.”

Mama R is going through some big life upheaval and wants to start afresh. This means dumping Lt. Cavanaugh, even though she still likes him. So she is going to let him down easy by wearing 50 shades of beige. They send her off in her happy dourness to do the deed.

When next Jane sees Maura she has disemboweled the mystery book, much to her chagrin. But it wasn’t a rare book at all, it was a Frankenstein the victim made himself from various parts. Book talk quickly shifts to date talk, as Maura wonders again if she should cancel with Prof. Beard. Jane says no, but with about as much enthusiasm as Mama R’s beige ensemble. Yep, click that counter because that’s Cancellation No. 2.

Maura brings in the superhero literature professor to examine the mystery book. All the while it seems like she is grilling him as a potential beard replacement. Hey, you can’t blame her. She hasn’t even introduced Jane to this new one, and we all know it never hurts to have a backup.

But Frankie deems him unsuitable, because he says Maura can figure out whatever is hidden in the book in half the time he could. And sends this buckaroo packing unceremoniously. Finding the proper beard is a full-on family affair for the Rizzoli clan.

In this season’s continued fuller focus on the supporting cast, Mama R meets Lt. Cavanaugh at the Dirty Robber for the break-up talk. Mama R tells him she got a fortune cookie that said “start over,” so of course she is now changing her whole life. I know, as break-up reasons go this one hurts more than “it’s not you, it’s me.”

But Mama R explains her rational (a little) bit better saying her whole life she had a man supporting her and now it is time to be like her daughter and find a woman. Wait, sorry, I totally misheard that. She wants to get to know who she is alone. Wait, maybe I didn’t mishear that—it’s just the woman she is looking for is herself. Lt. Cavanaugh is incredibly sweet and kind, considering his girlfriend just dumped him because of advice found inside a complimentary baked good that comes with your moo shu pork.

Jane and Korsak are watching one of their new suspects who has lawyered up. When the attorney walks in Jane recognizes him as Paddy Doyle’s attorney. So, looks like someone is taking a road trip. She goes up to see Paddy to ask about their new suspect. Hey, so you think Jane can visit just any prison. Because Massachusetts isn’t that far form New York. I’m sure we could find some sort of reason for her to visit the Litchfield Correctional Facility.

Her visit with Paddy becomes a de facto family therapy session as he asks about Maura because everyone knows Jane is the gatekeeper to everything about Maura. He helps Jane with some information about the suspect, and then asks for a favor in return. Quid pro quo. If it involves fava beans and a nice chianti say no, Jane.

Back at Boston PD, Maura runs into Frankie talking about Jane’s return time. This automatically dings Maura’s GFFR, and she says barely hiding the panic in her voice, “Jane’s gone? W-w-when will she be back?” Easy now, it’ll be OK. Remember when you went to that nerd conference for three days? You two can do this.

Frankie lets spill that Jane went to the penitentiary and Maura automatically knows that means Paddy. She tries to play it off like NBD LOL, but her twitching jaw muscle gives her away. Total side note: Love the dress.

Frankie and Korsak lead a surveillance sting on the suspect, who they released. It works, after a body slam or two. Meanwhile Jane returns and heads straight to Maura’s office. She sits down with an “Anyway….” and Maura replies, “I know you saw Paddy.”

Jane settles in for a big family talk. She tells Maura Paddy is being transferred to a supermax prison in California. And then she delivers the really big news — Paddy would like to see Maura before he leaves. Jane says she thinks Paddy has some things to get off his chest before he leaves, but it’s totally up to Maura if she wants to listen.

But instead of making Maura think about her complex family dynamics, Jane’s words make her think of the case. And she has her Dr. House moment when something clicks and the whole case is solved. Maura gets up without saying anything and speed walks to the lab leaving Jane to scramble behind her—like the puppy that she is.

Maura has solved the book’s riddle, and it wasn’t inside the book but on the book itself. He had written a confession about being part of a bombing in Dublin where people died on the page edges with a 19th Century technique called fore-edge painting. Maura and Jane exchange quickie congratulatory eye sex at solving the riddle. See, there most certainly can be academic superheroes.

Case now successfully cracked, Jane and Co. have called in a British investigator to hand over the bombing case to her. Frankie and Korsak commiserate over having such hot women like Jane and Maura and posh English-accent cop be out of their reach on account of The Gay.

The British agent calls Jane “incredible.” Slow your roll, lady. She is taken. Jane gives all the credit to Maura. The agent thanks them both for bringing closure to the victim’s families and for also being so hot. She was thinking that, you know it.

Another case successfully in the books, Jane looks at Maura and says, “If you ever have anything to tell me, just tell me, OK? Don’t use like codes or invisible ink or talking animals or secret Latin words for puppy.” Oh, man, are we going to get The Talk after all?

Maura promises not to use talking animals, because she has seen enough pirate movies to know better. Aw, I bet Jane is the one who made her watch pirate movies. They head into the elevator where they can share some proper uninterrupted eye sex.

They also have a big family talk, masked as a conversation about the tattooed bookstore employee. Something about no matter the bad things someone did in their past it doesn’t change the way they feel about you. To break the tension Jane says she could just talk about puppies instead. Then she admits cross-bred puppies can be used as a metaphor for change. Well, only if you admit you two are the puppies and you’re both in love, Jane.

So now we’re all back where we began. At Maura’s house for breakfast. Mama R is trying yoga and telling her about how she has torn down her foundation to start anew. In other words, she broke up with her boyfriend and quit her job. Jane asks if she’ll be moving out of Maura’s place. You can tell she is trying to mask her excitement at the possibility of no longer being barged in on during very special private times with Maura.

Maura comes down and Jane notices right away that her earrings match. Damn, Maura has her butch trained. Jane also says she is now emotionally prepared to meet Maura’s beard. She has even researched doodles and is seriously considering changing her nickname to St. Bernadoodle because of their cuteness (and also loyalty—I added that part because, hello, it’s a rescue dog).

Maura smiles and tells Jane she had to cancel, once again. So, those of you keeping score at home, that is Cancellation No. 3. Anything to get out of a date with a dude, honey. Anything.

Maura confesses there’s something more important than Prof. Beard that she needs to do. And then she stares lovingly at Jane and says she could really use some company. Jane nods her head a little too eagerly like — hell yeah, I’m gonna get me some morning sex.

Fortified by their love (and love making, ahem), the ladies head out to the prison to see Paddy. Jane levels her eyes at Maura and tells her, “I’ll be right here if you need me.” I know Jane’s the one who is pregnant, but with all the unprotected eye sex this episode Maura is sure to be next. She sashays down the walkway to see her biological father, all under the watchful eye of Jane. Telling that the one guy Maura bothers to keep a date with this entire episode is her father.

And now, for all your tweets about cancelling this many times on your so-called boyfriend totally isn’t gay or anything. Your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week.

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