Archive

“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.06): Skype me baby one more time

Tricksy tricksy, little show. Thinking you could kill The Gay by separating Jane and Maura. Pshaw. Nice try though. Even through Skype their chemistry pulses through the screen. So, throw in as many “obstacles” as you want, show. An operative from the Dollhouse. A medical examiners convention. Bring it. Nothing can stop the unstoppable subtext.

Speaking of The Gay, this lady in her sports bra hitting the bag? Let’s just say a grateful Lesbian Nation thanks you. But then right when we’re appreciating the ab and arm porn, something goes terribly awry. No, no — back to the hot tough boxing lady.

Alas, it couldn’t last. Instead some especially creepy guy (Yes, it’s always a guy. Man-Hating Lesbian Achievement, unlocked.) sneaks up on her from behind and brings her workout to a dead stop, literally. And then he stabs her a lot — like a lot, a lot — after the fact. Wow. This isn’t Thanksgiving dinner. Was all that carving really necessary? That was…graphic.

After that display we need a definite Gayzzoli palate cleanser. And leave it to our ladies to not disappoint. Maura is fussing over Jane like you fuss over your live-in girlfriend before you leave her alone to go on a solo work trip — because that’s exactly what is happening. She is counting out Jane’s pre-natal vitamins for her because love means making sure your baby is healthy so you can start your family.

Jane is doing what the staying-at-home girlfriend always does in these situations. She is protesting and saying she’ll be fine and it’s only going to be three days and not to fuss so much, GAWD. Maura threatens to break out the photos of the iron-deficient spleen again and Jane says, “Is there anything I can do that will help you get out the door?” Translation: I can’t wait to leave the dishes in the sink and wear the same boxer shorts and T-shirt around the house for three days straight.

Maura scoffs and tells Jane to take her Vitamins. Jane slowly realizes she will indeed be lost without Maura because the only vitamins she is familiar with are the ones with Fred Flintstone on the bottle. Also, she’ll be stuck with her mother — alone. It’s gonna be a long three days, Jane — admit it. And she does, to Maura, as she silently mouths “Take me with you” to her. See, no matter how good temporary bachelor living sounds, it’s never as good as having your lady home with you where she belongs.

Maura tells Jane there will be a fill-in M.E. and Susie. But most important of all she can call her anytime she needs, day or night. Yep, they’re totally gonna call each other and watch House Hunters together on late-night TV while criticizing the homeowners for whining about granite countertops.

Then Maura confesses what is really bothering her (besides leaving her pregnant girlfriend). It’s that this conference is at a casino with food by Wolfgang Puck and table magic by David Blaine. While the main entertainment at the convention she hosted (continuity!) was a drunken Dr. Popov.

But before Maura can leave to be serenaded by Andrea Bocelli, our gals get tandem calls and it’s “Rizzoli” and “Isles” time. Except it’s Rizzoli to the crime scene and Isles to her taxi. That seems so wrong. They should always leave in the same car together. Those are just like the rules of nature or something. Maura knows it too, and gives Jane a look like, “Soak it in. You won’t be checking this out again for three long days, honey.”

Jane arrives on the scene with Korsak. My brain is all, “But Maura should be there. This is their thing. How will they flirt over a dead body now?” Our sports bra victim is still very much murdered. Jane and Korsak go to talk to her husband, a dentist. OK, sorry, calling it right here. I saw Little Shop of Horrors. It’s always the dentist.

But he has a bicuspid-solid alibi: he was performing oral surgery on some poor old lady the whole time his wife was being murdered. Also, did he mention his wife used to be a lot heavier? In fact, only recently did she drop 100 pounds after joining an intense workout course called Tough Broad. Which made him worried, because she wasn’t used to receiving male attention before she lost the weight. And now, boom, dudes were falling all over themselves to see — and apparently kill – her. Double Man-Hating Lesbian Achievement, unlocked.

The dentist points them in direction of the handyman, Luis. Boy, he sure seems good for it. In fact, they found the murder weapon and wouldn’t you know he has his initials carved into its handle. Also, he has a long rap sheet — which includes an assault with a knife. And he packed a bag and fled. Hold on, is that a gift bow on his head? Yes, I believe it is.

Without Maura, Jane goes down to the M.E. lab a little lost. But she only sees Senior Criminalist Susie Chang. Then she gets nostalgic for her crotchblocking ways because at least Maura was there for it. But in the end, it’s just confusing for Jane because Susie’s appearance should mean an interruption of prime Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching or eye sex or dead body flirting. Something, anything.

To make herself feel better she plays her favorite game: Make The Scientist Guess. She goads Susie into guessing about how the stabbing happened. But ever the good disciple of Dr. Isles, Susie says she can’t. Jane tells her to stretch her wings, it’s her turn to shine. And Susie is like, “Nice try. Maura would never let you mix those metaphors.”

In a desperate move, Jane tries to even make friends with the furry backed fill-in medical examiner. Oh, sweetie, that is not the hair porn you were hoping to see. You can give a doctor some scrubs, but it won’t magically turn them into Maura.

Since there is less Dr. Maura Isles loveliness to fill the screen, it gives more time to delve into other characters. Which, actually is nice. Korsak has received a DVD from a young performer named Bobby, the grandson of an old friend. He will be playing his late grandfather’s music in Boston and wants Vince to join him on stage. But Vince says that lifetime for him is over. No, it doesn’t have to be. Get on a hit cable TV show and the producers will incorporate your love of music into the script.

Jane can’t wait any longer and has to see Maura. They have to talk about the case because she has made the rookie long-distance relationship mistake of Skype-ing while at the office. Maura, meanwhile, has stepped through a rip in the spacetime continuum and wound up in Animal House. In an attempt to be “Crazy Party” Maura, she has turned her hotel room into a hospitality suite with an open bar. Look for When Medical Examiners Go Wild to be on sleazy video store shelves soon.

But the reality of being “Crazy Party” Maura and the actuality of being “Crazy Party” Maura are too entirely different things. And the look on real Maura’s face says she would rather be watching Rehab Addict with Jane on the couch.

Jane gives her girlfriend some sympathy video-conferenced eye sex and tells her to be herself and not do anything she feels uncomfortable doing. But instead Maura yells over to one of her esteemed colleagues about the bar being dry that she’ll “Show you how to make a Dr. Pecker!” That by the way, is a real drink. Well, as long as that’s the only Pecker she is mixing with I’ll allow it.

What’s that smell? Is that…Red Herring? Frankie has tracked down the handyman. Run. Chase. Tackle. Once in interrogation he tells them he found the sports bra lady’s body when he went to the house to work. So he ran because he knew they wouldn’t believe he didn’t do it. But he is a changed man n…. Sorry, I was too bored to finish the sentence.

Jane goes to find Susie, because second best has to be good enough sometimes. She in turn is carrying a diorama she made of the crime scene. Susie, girl, you are in the wrong career. You need to be a professional creepy diorama maker. I’m sure there’s a market for that sort of thing. Sell them on eBay and make a mint. Just never meet any of the buyers in person.

Jane is similarly impressed, and you can tell is fighting the urge to play with the scene like a dollhouse. Wait, a diorama is like an elaborate dollhouse. Maura’s new “love interest” was on Dollhouse. Susie made a diorama to warn Jane. Oh my God, Maura is in trouble. SAVE MAURA.

Sorry, where were we. The case! The diorama shows that the sports bra lady couldn’t have been murdered by the handyman, because he is too tall for the angle of the stab wounds. Or something. I’m still distracted by Susie’s elaborate warning message to Jane about Jack/Victor. Jane even confirms that Susie uses the dioramas to illustrate things in her personal life. Message received — loud and clear.

Jane Skypes with Maura again to talk about the danger she is in. But luckily her brainwashed assassin operative/new “boyfriend” is nowhere in sight. Instead she has a group of people playing “Autopsy Jeopardy” and sipping tea. Oh yeah, now it’s a Maura Isles party.

Jane smiles because her girlfriend is adorable and also finally she isn’t forced to play “Autopsy Jeopardy” alone with Maura on a Friday night. Plus, isn’t it cute how excited Maura is to play it with new people?

We interrupt this program for a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA commercial. This would be a good time to get a totally unsponsored snack. You know, having Jane drink a Blue Moon now and then is one thing. Having the actors talk about how “huge” the trunk space is in a Highlander is entirely another. Oy, we get it. You gave them money and want us to buy your junk. Get out of my stories.

Speaking of stories, we’re on to Red Herring No. 2. The founder of Tough Broad, who gave the victim lots of personalized attention. He doesn’t have an alibi, at least at first. So clearly he was giving the lady extra special personalized attention, right? Wrong. He does have an alibi and her name is a him. He’s gay. You should have seen Jane’s face. It was like, “Wait, people just say it out loud like that? In public and everything?”

Mr. Tough Broad points the finger back at the husband instead, saying he lost interest in his wife once she got fit. And instead he went to his cabin alone every weekend like a creepy dentist Ted Kaczynski. So they go to check out his cabin and find…melons?

Yep, leave it to the lesbian to find the big melons in any situation.

Jane brings her juicy melons back to Susie, which sounds like the beginning of some weird crackship fan-fic. But just when you think things are going to get steamy, a voice emerges from out of nowhere. Oh, yeah. This femslash just got crowded Jane gives the thumbs up and is totally into it. But Maura puts the kibosh on that threesome immediately. Boo-hiss, say all the lesbians.

Guess we’ll have to talk about the dumb old case then. Susie and Maura are pursuing a theory that the dentist was experimenting with bullets on the melons. So she is conducting a fruitopsy on Jane’s juicy melons. Too. Many. Jokes. Must. Lie. Down.

With Maura not around to pump for information, Mama R goes after Korsak instead. She is determined to find out why he doesn’t want to perform with Bobby. Turns out, he was in a duo with Bobby’s grandfather, Peter. And they almost had a record deal, too. But after their big night of being wined and dined by the A&R guy, Korsak let Peter walk home alone. And he fell on some train tracks and never woke up. And Korsak has felt guilty about it ever since.

Susie is back with another diorama. This one has two melons which I’m going to guess is some sort of metaphor for breast cancer awareness. Check your melons regularly, ladies.

Jane grabs the box to show Maura. I’m assuming she’ll use it as a way to convince her to submit to more of Jane’s very special breast examinations. For those who insist on being literal, Susie’s diorama also says that the dentist was using the melons to test bullets made of dental plaster that couldn’t be detected in autopsy.

All this is well and good, but our sport bra lady was stabbed, remember? Or was she? Even from some undisclosed distance away, Dr. Maura Isles can still break a case wide open. She sees something hinky (my word, clearly) in the autopsy X-rays.

After Susie examines the bone fragments it is found…man, it’s kind of complicated. Long murder plot short: The dentist created a plaster bullet with cadaver bone fragments inside to mask the shooting and frame the handyman. And why? Because he didn’t like his newly slim wife getting all this sudden attention from men. And he had to watch TV alone. So, obviously, killing her is the only option. Triple Man-Hating Lesbian Achievement, unlocked.

Oh, also, did anyone else catch how much Jane was trying to make Maura jealous with Susie? I mean, she already told Maura all about Susie showing her her box.

But that alibi. How did he manage it? By putting an old lady in a deep, deep K-hole and leaving while she was out to do the deed. And then mailed himself the murder weapon and Tyvek suit to hide it from authorities. I don’t think it’s even possible to more neatly wrap up a case than getting the smoking gun overnighted to you.

So now the only question is, will Maura get back from her conference in time for our Big Gayzzoli Ending? I’m nervous. Skype all you want, it’s never as good as the real thing. But all our worry was for naught. Our ladies simply do not know how to disappoint.

Maura and Jane, back together where they belong, check out Susie’s latest diorama. It’s of them, in the autopsy room, flirting over a dead body. Maura is pleased it all looks to scale. But Jane, who has been checking out plenty of melons during Maura’s departure, notices something off — on Tiny Diorama Maura’s chest. And I quote:

Jane: You are so, so not to scale. Look at those things on your chest. Maura: Those things are perfect in form and in balance.

Yes, I know. But don’t worry, deluded straight audiences, it’s totally not gay to notice and comment on the size of your “best friend’s” miniature model chest vis-à-vis her real chest. It’s not like Jane knows the exact “form and balance” of Maura’s chest intimately and can speak to their perfection from experience. Please, continue believing they are “best friends” who sleep in each other’s beds, plan to raise a baby together and are constantly making each other breakfast.

Oh, and to make the heterosexuality even more convincing, Maura defends the side of her miniaturized chest by attacking the length of Jane’s miniaturized legs. You know, ladies, I think the only way to truly settle this is to measure. Scientific evidence and whatnot. Go to it, we won’t watch — much.

Susie, who despite her tendency to crotchblock is secretly the president of the Rizzles Shipper Fan Club, walks up to her subjects tells them how nice they look tonight. Oh yeah, she wanted that threesome to happen. No one tell Jane and Maura how she poses them in, um, creative ways in the diorama at night when no one is looking.

As if this ending wasn’t Gayzzoli enough, Maura then tells Jane she should go with her to next year’s medical examiner conference. Yet another thing platonic friends do: Go to each other’s work conventions for fun. Jane asks if they’ll have Autopsy Jeopardy and Maura enthusiastically says they will. Then Jane says she’s scheduling surgery for that weekend and they actually play bat at each other because the Adorable Bickersons just can’t help themselves.

They quit their bickering long enough to watch Korsak, who has swallowed his guilt and decided to play with Bobby after all. And so we are once again treated to Bruce McGill showcasing his musical prowess. It’s actually really nice. Big smiles all around.

Hey, but don’t take my word for it. See for yourselves. And you were worried I couldn’t squeeze any Gayzzoli out of this stone. And you didn’t have any problem either in your #Gayzzoli tweets of the week.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button