“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.05): Welcome to the Dollhouse

 
 

As Maura is meeting her new beard, the detectives interview some very rich Red Herrings: the former drug addict son, the kinky sex life son. Neither of them did it, but we do learn the latter has a very healthy sex lives involving two women and one other man – simultaneously. Let your freak flag fly, baldy.

Amid all of this Jane has, of course, missed her OBGYN appointment. Wow, I guess she really needed someone to take her after all. Mama R told her begrudgingly she would reschedule. But then she returns saying instead of cancelling and having to pay the appointment fee anyway, she just went. Whoa, whoa, whoa – do we need to have the talk about boundaries again?

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Mama R got folic acid from the doc and also asked if she could be Jane’s midwife. But it’s OK, because she’s not going to do a home delivery right there in Maura’s living room. They can still go to the hospital and stuff. I think we need to circle back to the boundaries discussion. Jane points at her junk and is like this is not “we.” That’s right, it’s only a “we” with Maura.

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Mama R gets hurt and says she was just trying to help. Jane says it’s not helpful, it’s invasive. Mama R gets more hurt. I know we’re supposed to feel sorry for Mama R here because Jane is shutting her out. But asking your daughter’s doctor if you can be her midwife before asking your actual daughter is weird. Also, it’s weird to go to your daughter’s OBGYN appointment for her.

Jane runs down to see Maura to tell her about the crazy thing Mama R did, but she runs into her practicing her lecture into a hairbrush instead. Not one to let a good opportunity to tease her girlfriend go, she asks why she looks like she’s getting ready for a summer camp talent show. She also calls Maura’s voice sexy – which coming from Angie is a real big compliment. Hello, Queen of Sexyvoice.

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Maura tries to play it off like she is just Disney princess brushing her hair, but Jane – she knows how to be invasive as well. Like mother, like daughter. So she steals Maura’s notecards with another classic girlfriend move. But they’re just lecture notes. Maura is nervous about repeating her performance – in the classroom. Might I add, those are words she has never, ever said to Jane before. Ahem. Jane tries to decipher Maura speak and figures out she met a guy who, if history is any judge, will eventually be arrested for murder, frame her or try to murder her – and/or any combination of the three.

Maura says it will never work out and Jane’s like, “No, this is great. Now we both can have beards and no one will ever suspect.”

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Just when you thought the case was going nowhere, the Rich Old Lady’s maid comes in and confesses. The Rich Old Lady and her had planned an assisted suicide with morphine to ensure her passing was peaceful. And she has even carried it out, but someone got to her first with a needle full of air. Red Herring No. 3, out f the way.

Jane goes to see Maura because that’s what Jane does. They’re discussing the case when a plant arrives for Maura. It’s from Jack/Victor. Now Jane gets annoyed. Perhaps she is rethinking this beards thing. She even says, “Barf.” So say all the lesbians, honey.

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Jack/Victor has sent Maura an oleander tree, which is actually deadly and reconfirms my previous theory on him trying to kill her. Maura agrees and says, “There is no Mr. Right out there for me.” That, my friends, is something every gay lady has said to herself. Self-awareness is the first step.

Of course at this point every gay lady watching screams, “But there is a Ms. Right!” at their TVs.

Then Maura goes through a list of the terrible men she dated. Hey, nobody is perfect. I had a college boyfriend for like three weeks. It happens. There was the face licker – Giovanni. There was the one she got framed for murdering – the fake colorectal surgeon. There was the serial killer who encased dead women in plaster – Mr. LeAnn Rimes. And she doesn’t even list off Zack from Saved by the Bell (also a murdered) and the international fugitive (though, at least he was trying to save lives instead of take them).

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Jack/Victor turns up at Maura’s office. Is it really that easy to gain access to the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts’ inner sanctum within the Boston Homicide headquarters? He’s not even wearing a visitor’s nametag. He walks in and I keep expecting him to snap her neck at any moment and for a man in a suit to say, “Would you like a treatment?”

Maura cuts to the chase and says it’s best to be honest. “I’m gay, so this is never going to work. And it’s you, very much you. Since you’re a guy.” Jack/Victor says, “I really thought we had chemistry.” And then everyone watching laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs for the rest of the episode. Buddy, you’ve seen Sasha and Angie on screen together, right? That’s chemistry. This? This is a square-jawed dude in a sweater awkwardly pretending he knows how to connect someone’s computer to wifi.

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Maura tells him he also probably has a serious neurological and biological disorders and he should go see a doctor to get his gaydar tuned up. Then he drops just the most psycho-babbly pick-up line ever: “Do you really want to live alone in fear instead of with somebody who knows what it’s like to be scared?” Slow your roll, doll. You two have been on exactly one coffee date together and then you sent her a Death Tree.

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