“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.04): Dykes on Bikes

Jane and Maura arrive at the crime scene, both their sexualities securely confirmed. The dead guy is found in his panic room. Hey, have you ever watched Doomsday Preppers? Yeah, it’s like that. Jane and Maura are like, “We love that show. After Hoarders and My Strange Addiction it’s our favorite Sunday afternoon veg out on the couch and gawk at our fucked up humanity programming.”

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Korsak laughs at their viewing habits, he seems more like an American Pickers kind of guy, and then calls Jane “Velma” after she compliments his Scooby Dooing skills in finding the body. This, of course, sparks an immediate debate between Jane and Maura about who is Daphne and who is Velma. Ladies, ladies–the important thing is that neither of you is Fred.

Maura won’t back Jane up on being Velma, but only because she doesn’t like labels and thinks her sexuality falls on a spectrum that cannot be categorized by simple character archetypes. Meanwhile, every lesbian watching is like, “Maura is Velma (with Daphne’s style). Jane is Peppermint Patty. Boom, sorted.”

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Also, don’t think I didn’t see Jane checking out Maura’s ass as she walks into the panic room. Because we all saw that.

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The victim was a survivalist, and his panic room is a “bug out shelter.” One of his prepper friends, the one who called police, is there and tells her all about the potential disasters that could bring about the end times. The victim was worried about airborne toxins, and Jane now realizes it’s really only fun to see these people on TV.

Maura inspects the body while Jane and Korsak scope out his shelter. There are Costco tubs of peanut butter and Spam and lots and lots of guns. But, I have to question his small amount of toilet paper. Also, where will he use the toilet paper. Does anyone see a toilet?

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Also mysterious is what caused the guy’s suffocation death, because having clean air to breathe was kind of this dude’s life obsession. Maura won’t call it murder, but does call it suspicious. And Jane geeks out because it’s a mystery worthy Scooby and the gang and she loves it when Maura role plays.

Also, I’m with Jane. I don’t care if every single plot was the same and they would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids–it’s a classic. Also, dogs that solve mysteries are awesome. I mean, just look at Jane–she’s basically a giant puppy with a badge.

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Back at the station, Mama Rizzoli runs into Jane and tells her how worried she is about Frankie. A mother’s work is never done. He is refusing home-cooked dinners and not answering his phone at night. Mama R tells Jane she thinks it is a girl, so naturally she is concerned. She raised two gay kids and wants them to live their fully realized lives. She harangues Jane into finding out what’s going on, because Big Gay Sister has to look out for Little Gay Brother.

So Jane gives Frankie the big sister staredown when she sees him up at the office. But it turns into the big sister incredulous staredown when Frankie starts spouting a bunch of prepper talk. But don’t worry, Francesco Jr. isn’t a full-blown prepper, he just believes in being prepared. He says they aren’t fringe groups because they have websites and everything. Um, Frankie, have you ever actually been on the Internet? Because it’s pretty much where crazy goes to find friends.

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Jane tells him as much, saying there are also whole websites about costumes for cats. Tell me more about these cat sites you browse, Jane. You know, I never pegged her as one of the Crazy Cat Ladies of the Internet. But we are legion, so, it makes sense.

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