“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.03): Two mama drama

 
 

Sometimes this show makes my life hard. Sometimes this show makes my life easy. This week this show made my life ridiculously easy. Hell, it was like a vacation to Subtext Island. You know the place, separated only by Sweeps Week Isle from Lesbos proper. I just punched my ticket and sipped pina coladas through this whole recap. Metaphorically.

Right, so on with the action. Maura is with Jane at the doctor’s office because I always take my best friend with me to see the OBGYN. Don’t you? Jane is in one of those hospital gowns guaranteed to show off your ass because people who go through four years of undergraduate work, four years of medical training and then three years of postgraduate residency have a sick sense of humor about what the universe owes them.

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Maura is in the examination room, helping Jane fill out her new patient information forms. You know, like any married couple. She runs through the important medical questions: Has Jane ever had chicken pox? Deep vein thrombosis? Chlamydia? Wait, Maura, honey, you’re a doctor – I know you already asked Jane already about her STD history before starting a sexual relationship.

Jane is annoyed, because Jane is always annoyed. But it’s her fault this time because she insisted on going to a new OBGYN far away from her house to avoid detection. She doesn’t want Col. Beard Force to find out via neighborhood gossip. Maura asks if she is having second thoughts about marrying him, but Jane is like, “Please, you know we’re gay, right?”

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But, like a good closeted gay, Jane insists on keeping her pregnancy a secret for a while longer. She doesn’t want anyone but Maura to know. Maura’s eyes get big because she knows she has already fallen to the power of the mother-in-law guilt. As the new doctor walks in, Maura runs out saying, “She already knows, don’t kill me, I love you, I’ll be in the car.”

The examination over, Jane and Maura head back to the office, the latter filled with apologies. She didn’t exactly tell her. Mama Rizzoli just knew. She is sorry. Please don’t withhold sex. You know, normal girlfriend awkward familial relations negotiations. But Jane can’t be too mad. She knows Mama R’s tricks. In fact, she demonstrates them for Maura. Naturally, this involves grabbing her hand. Those gals will use any excuse to sneak in some Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching.

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See, this is all a shtick Mama R does to weasel the truth out of someone. The Latin, the psychic grandmother, the palm reading. Lies! Scurrilous, well-practiced lies! Maura notes both Rizzoli women’s uncanny ability to get people to confess. Jane wonders if it’s a veiled reference to her future parenting style. Maura’s like, “Sweetie, darling–we all know you’re going to be bad cop already.” And they share some quickie eye sex because once the baby comes there’ll be precious little time for such shenanigans.

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So now it’s time to deal with Mama R. They have a classic mother-daughter Abbott-Costello stand off. Who is on first? What? No, What is on second base? Who? No, What? And repeat. Finally Jane tells her to give it up because she talked with Maura. Mama R’s response is some sounds only dogs can hear. Jane tolerates the squeals and hugs because she knows an unhappy mother means an unhappy Maura. I mean, her mom lives with her girlfriend. And you thought your in-law situation was confusing.

Jane tells her to not even go there with the Casey stuff. And lesbian fandom says in unison, “Hallelujah!” She also tells Mama R to not tell anyone else. Jane doesn’t want the department to find out and stick her on desk duty. We don’t either, there’s so much less call for the Ponytail of Righteous Justice when just filing cases. But, we all know Mama R is destined to fail with at least one of these commands. So I’d really rather it be the latter. Sorry, Jane.

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Duty calls, and Jane gives her mom one last “I’m serious, don’t be such a mom”-look and then leaves. Once there, Jane is walking and Maura is hobbling her way to the crime scene. Maura is getting her field boots resoled, so instead she is wearing stilettos into the rocky, muddy, bumpy field. Not to get all Det. Jane Rizzoli, but really, Maura? Really? Jane can do little more than guffaw at her fashion-forward girlfriend and offer her a gallant arm. Tell me that doesn’t look like they’re about to be crowned King and Queen of the Police Ball.

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