“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.16): And baby makes…UGH

 
 

Hey, remember before Rizzoli & Isles returned for its winter mini-season and I said this? “I swear to God, if that ‘shocking news’ is that Jane is pregnant I am out. O-U-freaking-T.” Yeahhhhh. About that. Let’s put a pin in that for further discussion later. And by “further discussion” I mean I’m going to drink and curse a lot. Cool? Cool.

So, see–this is why I don’t take a private car service. Also, there’s the little issue of me not being able to afford one. But mostly there’s the fear of being driven out to a dark road and shot in the back of the head.

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In a well-lit bar without any execution-style killings (yet), the Rizzolis and their loved ones are celebrating. Tommy and his new fiancée Lydia are there. Mama Rizzoli and her boyfriend Lt. Cavanaugh are there. Jane and her girlfriend Maura are there. Poor, poor lonely Frankie. If only we could find him a nice gal. But, alas, I guess all the good ones are taken. Hear that, Frankie? Taken.

The brood is feting Tommy and Lydia’s engagement. Everyone is proud of the youngest Rizzoli for getting his life together and taking the pressure off of them to pop out grandkids. Though, something tells me TJ is the smartest Rizzoli by far. I mean, look at that kid’s face. He’s like, “Stupid grown-ups, can’t they see those two are gay?”

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Jane goes up to the bar for another bottle of sparkling cider. Maura follows for some alone time. You have to take it where you can when you have as big and as always around family as the Rizzolis. Jane pulls that damn ring out of her pocket. You know this is unbelievably cruel to Maura, to taunt her with your over-the-top beard engagement scenario. Maura tells her if she keeps doing that she’ll lose it. Read: I will make sure it gets lost.

Then Jane laughs, tosses the ring into an empty cup and tells Maura, “Of course I’m not marrying that bag of bricks in army fatigues. I love you, silly.”

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Oh, sorry. That’s what Jane should have said. Instead she babbles on about them going through with it and Col. Beard Force leaving the military for her. She moons on about buying a triple-decker near the water and fixing it up. Someone has been watching too much Rehab Addict with Nicole Curtis. Just kidding, there’s no such thing as watching too much Rehab Addict, said the Rehab Addict addict.

Then Jane talks about couples who choose to remain childless, which as we all know is totally code for gay couples. (Well, those among us who choose to remain childless. Big love to all you mombians out there.) Maura insists on organizing the engagement party, because if you’re going to throw a big elaborate charade, let it be a big elaborate tasteful charade with nary a plastic champagne cup in sight. They seal their agreement with a little public eye sex and some huggy Totally Gratuitous Totally Gay Touching.

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Cavanaugh interrupts to pull Jane away because he hates love and possibly rainbows and puppies, too. A VIP has been murdered so it is all hands on deck. All hands except Frost, because he is on vacation. If only. Rest in peace, Lee Thompson Young.

The team arrives on the darkened scene and, yep, the lady is still dead. But it turns out the lady is the daughter of a senator, so it’s Important with a capital “I.” The team goes to the senator’s house and are greeted by the deputy from the Department of Homeland Security. Is there a letter bigger than a capital? Because that’s what this case is, in case you haven’t noticed. I am expecting drones to start flying overheard any second.

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Jane, of course, gets into a territorial pissing match with the Homeland Security deputy. I’d tell them to just get out a tape measure and be done with it, but we all know Jane’s is bigger.

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