“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.13): Send in the…ahhh it’s clowns! Run!

 
 

Korsak, Frankie and Frost are poring through the old police reports looking for clues in the clown kidnapping. Yeah, remember the plot? They get a call about another abduction. Jane blames herself for being on a picnic with her “boyfriend” instead of catching the clown before he could strike again. As opposed to, say, you and your girlfriend who actually stop bad guys when together. And she looks like Sasha Alexander. I don’t see how this is even a difficult choice.

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Speaking of bad guys, a video text comes into the police tipline from the clown kidnapper taunting them with his captive. Everyone puts on their Very Serious Police Faces and starts to analyze the clip. Of course, this is the moment Col. Beard Force decides to become Captain Needy Pants. He pokes his head in and tells Jane it can’t wait. Really, man? A boy’s life hangs in the balance, but hanging out with your girlfriend in your midlife crisis Fonzie jacket is totally more important.

Jane hesitates, but Maura tells her to go. The sooner she confronts her issues the sooner she’ll live a more authentic life. Also, sex is totally better after you come out. All that energy you expend hiding and carrying around a secret can get funneled into more important stuff. Ahem. You know it’s true.

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Jane goes down to confront him, and he tells her his leave has been canceled. Did a chorus of angels just start singing? A grateful nation, yadda yadda, now leave already.

Back on the case, Maura and the team analyze the video. Korsak sees what looks like a window and Frost presses the Magical Mystery Enhance button on his computer to turn it suddenly into brilliant 1080HD. I’m going to assume the Magical Mystery Enhance button is next to the Instant Password Decryption Key that exists on all computers on TV.

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The detectives run off to the address the Omniscient Database of All Things that also exists on all TV computers led them to. Jane deploys the Ponytail of Righteous Justice because it’s business time. And they go in guns blazing (but without bulletproof vests or a SWAT Team – shut up reality, there’s no place for you here).

The detectives find the boy, alive, and the clown, dead. He has what appears to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound. But there are still, like, 30 minutes left in the episode so we know that’s not the case.

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Jane returns to her apartment after letting her beard go. He has thoughtfully left flowers and champagne for her and Maura to enjoy together in his absence. Aw, see, he knows his job is to make their relationship easier after all. Also, I’m not even kidding about the champagne being for them both. It’s almost like he knows Maura is going to walk into Jane’s apartment after barely knocking any second now.

As if on cue, Maura bursts in. Jane says she isn’t in the mood to talk. Maura assures her, “I didn’t come by to talk.” Finally, now we are talking. They’re going to use the unspoken language of lurve. Bow-chicka-bow-bow and so on and so forth. Maura smiles that secret smile that says in five minutes they’ll be slick and naked together. Also, she totally noticed Jane is not wearing the ring anymore.

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Hey, I wasn’t lying. They’re naked. They’re slick. They’re having a side-by-side couples massage. I really can’t make this stuff up. I’m not even sure why I’m here. It’s like the writers are trying to eliminate my job.

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Jane declares Maura “weird and wonderful” for getting them Thai massages. More like “naughty and nice” because it’s a sly way to get Jane naked and sensible way to limber her up for, um, you know.

Maura confesses her advice to Neda was really a surrogate for her feelings about Jane, like I said earlier. We all know there’s no way Jane will be an Army wife serving mint juleps, beer or anything other liquid to a roomful of officers. In fact, I think she is just pretending as a way to taunt Maura. You always hurt the one you love and all that.

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p.s. Naked Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching? Good job of convincing us of Jane and Maura’s outstanding heterosexuality, show!

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So, the next day a rejuvenated – and dare I say post-coital glowy – Jane meets with the kidnapped boy and his mother. But then she learns from Maura that the clown who left the over-sized shoeprint at the scene is not the same as the guy with the bullet in his head. And he didn’t kill himself. Gee, who could have possibly seen that coming, said the person who totally saw that coming.

The obligatory plot twist involves one of the original creepy clown’s victims framing (and murdering) him as an adult. But who could fill that shoe? Sorry, I had to. Look at the damn thing. It’s ridiculous.

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Looking through the old files of the attempted kidnappings they find one that doesn’t make sense. The boy in the taped video is lying, but why? Did he know it would be integral to a plot point almost 30 years later? Well, if nothing else his story seems to have scared Frost and Frankie into snuggling each other to sleep that night. Oh, Frostie, you could have been so beautiful.

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In case you were worried we wouldn’t get one, Red Herring No. 1 shows up with only seven minutes to spare. Jane and Korsak are interrogating the grown-up victim from the tape. But Maura interrupts with an, “It’s important.” Jane jumps up immediately. Please note the difference in response time to “important” news for Maura and Casey. Yeah, no contest.

Right, so it wasn’t the victim who done it, but the victim’s older brother who committed the copycat clown kidnapping. He was also molested, but never wanted it reported. But as an adult he recognized his attacker and so concocted an elaborate ploy that resulted in the death of a good Samaritan and traumatization of two innocent boys to get revenge. Yep, much easier than just dialing “911.” So the Ponytail of Righteous Justice has closed another case. Everyone go home, it’s time for more naked Thai massage time.

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Well, first the ladies have to pit stop at the Dirty Robber. Jane meets Maura there for a drink because a standing date night is a sacred thing couples should always strive to keep. Frost is still mad at Maura, but comes over to make amends because he’s Frost and always does the right thing.

So then Jane decides to spice up her and Maura’s date night and invites him into their Thai massage foursome. Jane is just bound and determined to get her orgy on this week. She also tries to call dibs on one of the masseurs, but Maura is nonplussed. It’s one thing to have a foursome, it’s another thing entirely to have a favorite alternative partner in said foursome. Jane asks Frost for a minute, because they are about to get their Adorable Bickersons on. Bicker on, totally platonic friends who cry from sadness at each other’s engagements and enjoy naked couples massages together. Bicker on.

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