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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.13): Send in the…ahhh it’s clowns! Run!

Right, so which show is this again? The one where the female lead kisses her hot on-again, off-again genius doctor girlfriend? No? Wait, it’s the one where the female lead kisses her hot now-you-see-her, now-you-don’t guitar-playing singing waitress girlfriend? Also no? Hold up, it’s the one where the female lead kisses her hot supportive, badass girlfriend who once tried to drown her but only because she was trapped in a closet of her own self hatred? Darn, I could have sworn it was that one.

Let’s see, I know, it’s the one with the two female leads who are obviously in love with each other but keep throwing artificial male romances in the way as obstacles to them ever kissing. Sorry, just getting my bearings. It’s been over five months since I had to stretch my subtext muscle.

AHHHHHHHHHH! [pause to inhale] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [pause to inhale] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! [pants furiously]

Sorry, you thought I was scared by the clown? Nah. I mean, he is terrifying. (Damn you, Stephen King). But my scream was at the horror that is Angie Harmon and Chris Vance pretending to have sexual chemistry. [shudder]

Still actions speak louder than words because Jane’s “boyfriend”, Col. Beard Force, got up at 4:30 a.m. instead of staying in bed one second longer with his “girlfriend.” You know, to save time, let’s just assume anytime I’m discussing something to do with Jane the word “boyfriend” will be in air quotes. Anyway, Beard Force tells her he loves her, and Det. Jane Rizzoli responds as Det. Jane Rizzoli should when a man tells her he loves her. “It sounds so bizarre when we say it!” Yep, Jane, you got a “Hallelujah!” from every lesbian on the planet with that one.

Also, can we just please note that even when trying to be appropriately heterosexual, Jane insists on being a top. Butch habits die hard, gurl.

The ultimatum elephant in the room about Casey and Jane’s “relationship” (I’m going to totally max out on my sarcastic air quote quotient this episode) is still hanging in the air. She can quit her job and be with him or she can be with Maura and be happy. Fine, that last part was implied. So one or the other of them will have to give up his or her job for them to be together. The suspense is killing me. I mean, who isn’t excited to watch Army Wife & Isles?

Speaking of Jane’s better half, Maura pokes her head into the bedroom because there are no boundaries between LLBFFs. And you thought Senior Criminalist Susie Chang has impeccable timing. She’s got nothing on Maura. Jane jokes about them needing a third for their orgy. And by “jokes,” I mean she hopes beyond hope that it will happen. And then that Casey will disappear. Then she sort of makes it happen by running off with Maura for “coffee” and leaving him alone in bed.

Meanwhile, the creeper clown is acting out an instructional video called “A Parent’s Worst Nightmare.” He tries to grab a little boy and push him into his car, but a good Samaritan neighbor runs out to stop him. He gets knocked fatally to the ground for his troubles. See, no good deed really does go unpunished.

Also being punished is this show’s lesbian fandom as Jane and Maura insist on discussing a dumb boy. Jane’s Choice (while much less dramatic than Sophie’s) is making her indecisive, which Maura says is associated with a range of psychological outcomes including anxiety and depression. Being in the closet is also associated with those same psychological outcomes. Just saying.

Oh, man. Now there’s Frost. Dear, sweet Lee Thompson Young. I feel a terrible ache each time I see you on screen again.

After some light banter about coffee, the team rushes off to solve the good Samaritan’s murder. But first they have to make a quick stop at Jane’s to change out of their running gear. Maura so has a drawer at her place then, right? Later at the crime scene, they learn about the creepy clown connection. And everyone gets even more creeped out because back in 1988 another creepy clown (is that redundant?) kidnapped a boy who was never found. And the case was never solved.

Now the clown may be back. Cue honking red-nose horn and squirting flower…from Hell.

Back in the morgue, the universe’s most unusually close chief medical examiner and homicide detective talk their relationship case over a romantic dead body, per usual. Maura mentions Homer, the ancient Greek poet. Jane is more familiar with Homer, the guy who works at a nuclear power plant and likes doughnuts. See, opposites really do attract. Just ask Bert and Ernie.

A quick head space analysis of Jane shows that she is worried about turning into an old cat lady (read: gay panic). But Maura corrects her girlfriend and says she’ll be an old dog lady. Not all of us are cat ladies. Sheesh, stereotypes.

A bit of evidence from the clown case leads them to search the archives of the old case from the ’80s. Back then there were three other kidnap attempts before the boy who went missing. The new case comes back with the most simultaneously hilarious and terrifying composite suspect sketch ever.

I will have bad dreams about this. I am sending the bill for my therapy to TNT.

In a park called Denial, Jane and Col. Beard Force are having a picnic lunch. I like that Jane’s idea of a romantic lunch date still involves wearing her sidearm. Jane doesn’t want Casey to give up being a general for her. Casey doesn’t want Jane to give up loving Maura for him. Etc., etc., etc. He jokes about having a sex change. Dude, don’t laugh, that might actually help your chances.

Then he does some dumb thing where he pretends to measure Jane’s finger with a cigar band, but instead pulls a ring out all covered in pocket lint and hands it to her. Jane looks at it the way you look at a dead mouse your cat has just left at the foot of your bed. It’s a combination of feigned gratitude and internal horror.

She tells him she always thought she’d know how to respond when proposed to. No, Jane, you always knew how you’d respond when Maura proposes. See, this is what happens when people deny themselves happiness. Awkward proposals over ant-covered crackers and cheese.

At the Division One CafĂ©, Mama Rizzoli and Frost’s girlfriend, Neda, are going over a business plan to expand her healthy food empire. This subplot is mostly just a way for Maura to demonstrate her superior knowledge of Jane’s tastes and preferences. Mama R wonders aloud if her meatless meatballs will fool Jane. Maura knows better. I mean, it took her four years to get Jane to try kale. Baby steps, people.

The following conversation is on its surface Maura giving advise to Neda about choosing between a dream job in China or her dream boyfriend in Boston, but in actuality a plea for Jane to hurry up and face her feelings.

Neda/Jane surrogate: You every get what you wanted and not sure you want it anymore? Translation: All my life I thought I wanted to get married to a man, but now that it’s happening I totally don’t want it.
Maura demurs at first, mumbling something about not being able to have it all. Has she been reading Lean In? But then she gets real.
Maura: You need to ask whether putting him before yourself is something you’re going to regret. Translation: Jesus, Jane, come out already.

Jane returns from her lunch and fails to mention the glaring ode to her faux heterosexuality on her finger. Maura notices immediately, because like hell she wouldn’t notice her girlfriend wearing someone else’s engagement ring. Jane tells her that according to all the straight rom-coms she is supposed to be all giggly and Maura is supposed to be all squealy at this news.

Maura informs her she sees no reason to squeal. But, trust me, she is most definitely screaming on the inside. She then throws some serious shade at Col. Beard Force’s ugly-ass ring, just to feel a little better.

In between giving Jane tests results (paint from the clown’s mask which trace back to one seller, in case the plot interests you in the least), Maura tries to breezily ask Jane if she’s leaving her. Jane is like, “No, what? That’s the whole point of having a beard. To allow us to continue our relationship unabated.” Maura’s relief is palpable.

Jane says something about the world not being fair. Maura says something about a fair world meaning we all have one shoe and a piece of cardboard. I don’t really understand that analogy, but I’m going to assume the shoe is a Teva and the cardboard is leftover from vegan pizza ordered the other night. What? I make everything lesbian.

Jane tries to smooth things over with a little eye sex quickie. Maura’s elation is short-lived though, as the reality of the ring on Jane’s finger hits her. No. It’s nothing. JUST SOMETHING IN HER EYE.

Dammit, Jane. Now you’ve gone and done it. You made Maura cry. Just like any non-romantically involved straight person would do when told by her best friend she is getting married. Totally normal reaction and not indicative of her deep and unabated feelings of love for Jane. Maura walks out and as if her poor heart hasn’t already taken enough of a beating, Frost confronts her next. He is mad because of the advice she gave Neda, which was really for Jane. OK, not to get all Chris Crocker, but “Leave Maura alone!”

Korsak, Frankie and Frost are poring through the old police reports looking for clues in the clown kidnapping. Yeah, remember the plot? They get a call about another abduction. Jane blames herself for being on a picnic with her “boyfriend” instead of catching the clown before he could strike again. As opposed to, say, you and your girlfriend who actually stop bad guys when together. And she looks like Sasha Alexander. I don’t see how this is even a difficult choice.

Speaking of bad guys, a video text comes into the police tipline from the clown kidnapper taunting them with his captive. Everyone puts on their Very Serious Police Faces and starts to analyze the clip. Of course, this is the moment Col. Beard Force decides to become Captain Needy Pants. He pokes his head in and tells Jane it can’t wait. Really, man? A boy’s life hangs in the balance, but hanging out with your girlfriend in your midlife crisis Fonzie jacket is totally more important.

Jane hesitates, but Maura tells her to go. The sooner she confronts her issues the sooner she’ll live a more authentic life. Also, sex is totally better after you come out. All that energy you expend hiding and carrying around a secret can get funneled into more important stuff. Ahem. You know it’s true.

Jane goes down to confront him, and he tells her his leave has been canceled. Did a chorus of angels just start singing? A grateful nation, yadda yadda, now leave already.

Back on the case, Maura and the team analyze the video. Korsak sees what looks like a window and Frost presses the Magical Mystery Enhance button on his computer to turn it suddenly into brilliant 1080HD. I’m going to assume the Magical Mystery Enhance button is next to the Instant Password Decryption Key that exists on all computers on TV.

The detectives run off to the address the Omniscient Database of All Things that also exists on all TV computers led them to. Jane deploys the Ponytail of Righteous Justice because it’s business time. And they go in guns blazing (but without bulletproof vests or a SWAT Team — shut up reality, there’s no place for you here).

The detectives find the boy, alive, and the clown, dead. He has what appears to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound. But there are still, like, 30 minutes left in the episode so we know that’s not the case.

Jane returns to her apartment after letting her beard go. He has thoughtfully left flowers and champagne for her and Maura to enjoy together in his absence. Aw, see, he knows his job is to make their relationship easier after all. Also, I’m not even kidding about the champagne being for them both. It’s almost like he knows Maura is going to walk into Jane’s apartment after barely knocking any second now.

As if on cue, Maura bursts in. Jane says she isn’t in the mood to talk. Maura assures her, “I didn’t come by to talk.” Finally, now we are talking. They’re going to use the unspoken language of lurve. Bow-chicka-bow-bow and so on and so forth. Maura smiles that secret smile that says in five minutes they’ll be slick and naked together. Also, she totally noticed Jane is not wearing the ring anymore.

Hey, I wasn’t lying. They’re naked. They’re slick. They’re having a side-by-side couples massage. I really can’t make this stuff up. I’m not even sure why I’m here. It’s like the writers are trying to eliminate my job.

Jane declares Maura “weird and wonderful” for getting them Thai massages. More like “naughty and nice” because it’s a sly way to get Jane naked and sensible way to limber her up for, um, you know.

Maura confesses her advice to Neda was really a surrogate for her feelings about Jane, like I said earlier. We all know there’s no way Jane will be an Army wife serving mint juleps, beer or anything other liquid to a roomful of officers. In fact, I think she is just pretending as a way to taunt Maura. You always hurt the one you love and all that.

p.s. Naked Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching? Good job of convincing us of Jane and Maura’s outstanding heterosexuality, show!

So, the next day a rejuvenated — and dare I say post-coital glowy — Jane meets with the kidnapped boy and his mother. But then she learns from Maura that the clown who left the over-sized shoeprint at the scene is not the same as the guy with the bullet in his head. And he didn’t kill himself. Gee, who could have possibly seen that coming, said the person who totally saw that coming.

The obligatory plot twist involves one of the original creepy clown’s victims framing (and murdering) him as an adult. But who could fill that shoe? Sorry, I had to. Look at the damn thing. It’s ridiculous.

Looking through the old files of the attempted kidnappings they find one that doesn’t make sense. The boy in the taped video is lying, but why? Did he know it would be integral to a plot point almost 30 years later? Well, if nothing else his story seems to have scared Frost and Frankie into snuggling each other to sleep that night. Oh, Frostie, you could have been so beautiful.

In case you were worried we wouldn’t get one, Red Herring No. 1 shows up with only seven minutes to spare. Jane and Korsak are interrogating the grown-up victim from the tape. But Maura interrupts with an, “It’s important.” Jane jumps up immediately. Please note the difference in response time to “important” news for Maura and Casey. Yeah, no contest.

Right, so it wasn’t the victim who done it, but the victim’s older brother who committed the copycat clown kidnapping. He was also molested, but never wanted it reported. But as an adult he recognized his attacker and so concocted an elaborate ploy that resulted in the death of a good Samaritan and traumatization of two innocent boys to get revenge. Yep, much easier than just dialing “911.” So the Ponytail of Righteous Justice has closed another case. Everyone go home, it’s time for more naked Thai massage time.

Well, first the ladies have to pit stop at the Dirty Robber. Jane meets Maura there for a drink because a standing date night is a sacred thing couples should always strive to keep. Frost is still mad at Maura, but comes over to make amends because he’s Frost and always does the right thing.

So then Jane decides to spice up her and Maura’s date night and invites him into their Thai massage foursome. Jane is just bound and determined to get her orgy on this week. She also tries to call dibs on one of the masseurs, but Maura is nonplussed. It’s one thing to have a foursome, it’s another thing entirely to have a favorite alternative partner in said foursome. Jane asks Frost for a minute, because they are about to get their Adorable Bickersons on. Bicker on, totally platonic friends who cry from sadness at each other’s engagements and enjoy naked couples massages together. Bicker on.

#GAYZZOLI TWEETS OF THE WEEK:

Good job getting #gayzzoli trending the first week back, folks! Onto your tweets of the week. You had a lot of feelings about clowns, colorless compressed carbon and Thai massage.

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