Jane admits as much, saying she wants him to stay and then go – but mainly the go part. Note how she’s never said she wants Maura to go. In fact, she’s even willing to drop the homicide case she’s working on, the very case she used as an excuse not to stay with Beard Force, and go with Maura to the prison to pick up her long-lost grandpa. So, spend a day with your “boyfriend,” who you haven’t seen in months or spend a day with your girlfriend (note the lack of quote marks), who you see every single day? Such a tough decision. Jane throws her coat over her shoulder and practically winks at Maura saying, “The things I do for you.”
Tell us more about these things, Jane. Spare no detail – especially if they involve the S&M room in Maura’s basement we all know secretly exists.
At the penitentiary, Grandpa Mobster is wheeled out and he is your classic grumpy old man. He tells Maura she should have never seen the light of day and doesn’t want anything to do with her. This, naturally, immediately flips the Protective Jane switch and she insists they put him back in the dark hole from whence he came. Still, after having seen Jane and Maura together for less than a minute, Grandpa Mobster nails their relationship immediately and calls Jane Maura’s “girlfriend.” He may be grumpy, but he has impeccable gaydar.
Jane grabs her girlfriend to leave, but the prison guard says no tag backs, the old man is theirs now. So they wheel him into Maura’s place despite his grumblings. But now they can’t leave him there alone. So who ya gonna call? Manservant! Guess Beard Force was good for something after all. He brings his service dog over and now everyone has a purpose. Beard Force is there to entertain Grandpa Mobster so Jane and Maura can go make out, er, solve crimes. Balance in the universe, restored.
Beard Force insists on being annoying, and says they should cut Grandpa Mobster some slack for being a horrible person. Oh, Beardy, you’re dangerously close to violating Jane’s No. 1 Commandment. Being nice to someone who is mean to Maura is almost like being mean to Maura. Maura smartly pops a grape to stifle a smug laugh because, “Ney-ner ney-ner, Jane took time off to help me, but not you.”
Jane takes matters into her own hands and asks Korsak to call in a favor with a friend at the Housing Authority to get Grandpa Mobster out of Maura’s place ASAP. Oh, and maybe let’s discuss the case for a few minutes. This whole thing is going to boil down to dog hair. Yes, dog hair. I don’t know, it could only be more gay if it was cat hair.
We’re going to breeze through Red Herring No. 1 because the angry, stoner grad student didn’t do it. But he did call the dead professor a “fat bitch” for accusing him of plagiarism, so he’s no prize either.
Speaking of no prizes, Jane runs in late to meet Casey at The Dirty Robber. Her face registers her excitement (or more accurately, her lack thereof) perfectly. It’s so wrong to see her there with anyone but Maura. Also wrong is his admitting he enjoyed spending time with Grandpa Mobster. Jane hits him for this, as she should. Then he makes her congratulate him for being promoted from Lt. Col. Beard Force to Col. Beard Force. He says he’s in line to become a general, but has to decide if he wants to stay in the military or not. A grateful nation thanks you for your service, and wants you to stay in and the hell away from Jane.
The next morning Jane is at Maura’s place for breakfast. And, once again, let me remind you that the “boyfriend” she hasn’t seen in months is still around and waiting to spend time with her. Actions speak louder than words, and all that. She then tells Maura that Col. Beard Force wants to become a general and loves the Army more than her. The relief in her voice is palpable. Whatever, I’m interpreting it as relief. Tears of joy are a real thing, people.
Maura meanwhile is engaged in an anthropological experiment called feeding the old coot. He needs to eat his powdered eggs and burnt toast at 7 a.m. sharp. Grandpa Mobster rolls in, but refuses to eat his prison-issue grub. This sets Protective Jane off again, because no one refuses Maura’s good graces. He spins his sob story about having his only son taken from him by Hope, and by default Maura. And how Paddy turned his back on him or whatever. Don’t know why the writers want us to feel sorry for this miserable S.O.B., but I emphatically do not. Jane doesn’t either and says maybe Paddy did it to show him the one good thing he’s done with his life, make Maura. Be more in love with her, Jane. I dare you.