Before they can properly consummate, Jane gets a “delivery” upstairs. It’s Lt. Col. Beard Force a day early. Of all the things not to get lost in the mail. Beard Force goes in for a kiss, but Jane says, “No, I’m at work.” But he does it anyway because he’s bad with personal boundaries. And in that moment, we are all the disgusted officer at the front desk.
The next morning Jane walks into her kitchen wearing just an oversized white oxford shirt. Some manservant is making her breakfast. Leave it to Jane to hire a male maid. Probably didn’t want any possibility of Maura being jealous about the female help. Fine, maybe it’s Beard Force getting all extra clingy and making her farmers market fresh omelets and cleaning out her fridge and doing her laundry. Jane tells him she’s thrilled for the help because, “I’ve always wanted a wife.”
We’re going to take a beat to let that sink in. Jane wants a wife. Jane has Maura. Supreme Court says it’s OK for Jane to marry Maura. See, kids, dreams can come true.
Clingy Lt. Col. Beard Force asks what they should do today, but Jane says, shucks darn, she has to go into work. She doesn’t want to waste one of her 116 vacation days on something unimportant like, well, him.
Just then, to the relief of lesbians everywhere, Mama Rizzoli barges into Jane’s apartment. She gets the Senior Criminologists Susie Chang award for the week. Mama R has been displaced from Maura’s place by Grandpa Mobster. She levels a disapproving look at “Charles” and calls their unnecessary displays of affection “disgusting.” Now I’m going to take up a collection to have a bronze statue built in Mama R’s honor.
In the autopsy room, Maura is fretting to Jane that Mama R hates her now. She knows how delicate the balance is in the daughter-in-law/mother-in-law bond. Jane reassures her that Mama R loves her and her guesthouse. Not necessarily in that order.
Maura squints her eyes and says she can see Jane’s tell. Earlier, Jane noticed Maura’s as well. Picking up on your partner’s nearly imperceptible emotional signals and revealing them to elicit thorough processing of feelings? Nope, nothing gay about that.
Maura also knows right away her problem is Lt. Col. Beard Force. Beards are high maintenance, what with all the food and unwanted relationships always getting caught up in them. Jane says she is frustrated she can’t take a day off. But then says that was a lie and she totally can take a day off, she just doesn’t want to. On account of the gay.
Maura says she knows it’s because Jane loves solving homicides and her work and also Maura. But Jane is overcome with the guilt about loving basically everything else on the planet more than Beard Force. Jane, you are doing this beard thing wrong. The whole point is that it’s a guilt (and sex)-free relationship. Possibly is your guilt about not being truthful about yourself in the first place? Internalized homophobia? Well, get over it, honey. It gets better once you’re out and you also don’t have weird creepy dudes washing your thong underwear without your consent.
Then Jane says the second most true truth to ever be uttered truthfully, “I can’t be me and be his, too.” In a nutshell, yes. Look, I know I’ve said this before again and again and again and – yes – again, but the reason people watch this show is emphatically not to see Jane and Maura hook up with dudes every other week. People watch to see the dynamic between two smart women who are best friends and co-workers. It’s Rizzoli & Isles, not Rizzoli & Boyfriends.