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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.12): Strangers in a dog park

Welcome to your Rizzoli & Isles summer finale. Please, pour yourself a nice glass of Chardonnay and break out the cheese doodles. It’s me time, ladies. Hell, why not slip into a hot tub and let the day’s cares soak away in the soothing bubbles. Oh, wait, here’s why. Someone will try to electrocute you with your retro ’90s boom box and then drown you, just for good measure. Must you ruin everything, show, must you? Back in the office Jane is feverishly finishing her paperwork. She gets it done quickly so she can take two days off to break up properly with Lt. Col. Beard Force. So that’s one day to end it and one day to celebrate with Maura, as it should be. Jane and Korsak then compare notes about who has the most stored vacation days. Jane: 116, Korsak: 243.

Frost, being sane and liking his secret vacation time with Frankie, asks why they’re both crazy workaholics. Jane answers with the most true truth to ever be uttered truthfully. “Because we’re studs.” Yep, you heard that right. Det. Jane Clementine Rizzoli — board certified stud. Just then, as if called by Jane’s Stud Signal, Maura rushes in. She’s brandishing a letter from federal prison. It’s from her Papa Paddy. He has sent her seven letters in the last five days. Jane rightfully throws it into the recycling bin. Recycling paper, eating seitan, practicing yoga — there is truly nothing Jane will not do to make Maura happy. Two things about that letter, though: 1) Look how short Maura’s nails are. Maura’s neat-and-trim nails bring all the girls to the yard, damn right, they’re better than yours. And 2) There is no 5801 Pickney Street in Boston, I Googled it. But, there is a Pinckney Street in Boston’s tony Beacon Hill neighborhood and it’s a dead-ringer for Maura’s block. Now that I’m done stalking fictional characters, shall we return to the plot? Naturally, we haven’t begun to discuss the actual murder yet because it’s not like this is supposed to be a crime show or anything. Instead, Maura is overcome with curiosity over what her biological imprisoned mob boss father (Do you have an appropriate Father’s Day card for that, Hallmark?) could possibly want from her. Maybe to belatedly congratulate her on the Supreme Court decisions which clear the path for Jane and her to wed legally in the eyes of the federal government? I imagine news travels slowly in the pokey. I mean it’s called the pokey.

Maura rips open the letter, and while it’s not his blessing it is a reaffirmation of family ties. Paddy’s own papa is being released from prison and needs a place to stay. So naturally he thinks of his long-lost, totally estranged biological daughter. Really, there’s no half-way house for geriatric mobsters? This is why you don’t go into crime, kids. Terrible retirement plans. Somehow Maura is overcome with familial guilt about not helping her bio-gramps. I think the writers may have forgotten that Maura has an actual family with actual parents. Adoptive parents are real parents, folks. I mean, sure, we’ve never seen her dad — ever. But she has one, right — I think? And, sure, we haven’t seen her mom since the first episode of the third season. But she exists, right? It wasn’t just some mass dream we all had, right?

The complicated parental drama is interrupted, at long last, by murder. The woman in the hot tub has been found. Jane and Korsak (and Maura, but that’s a given because I said “Jane”) go to investigate leaving Frost to handle a fatal shooting victim with Frankie. Aw, everyone’s paired off as they should be. Now go forth, solve crimes and bicker like old married couples just like we like it. It’s exciting for everyone, I know.

At the scene, Maura and Jane find wine, cheese doodles and weed. Well, at least the poor woman died happy. They also note her “adipose tissue,” which is a polite way of saying fat cells. Which seems unnecessary, but they characterize it as medically relevant and I don’t have time to Google whether that really is true or not. So I’ll just give them an unconvinced, “Gurl, I guess.”

The dead woman was a professor at BCU and had a weekly “Girls’ Night” in the hot tub with friends. Suddenly Jane’s ears perk up. Why hasn’t she been doing a weekly Girls’ Night hot tub date with Maura? Maura has to have a hot tub in her place. It has a yoga room, for crying out loud. The natural next step is a spa room. Plus, we won’t mention the S&M room in the basement. Not in polite company, at least. Over at Frost and Frankie’s murder, a rich CEO has been gunned down in front of his parked Bentley. Robbery doesn’t appear to be a motive and the garage cameras were out because otherwise it would be too easy and we wouldn’t have a show. Jane tasks Frankie with notifying the victim’s wife and sister, who also work at his company.

Jane has her own grieving family to deal with back on her case because a bearded Mackenzie Astin walks onto the screen. I think we all know what’s coming next. MACKENZIE ASTIN DID IT. I mean why else bring the half-brother of a hobbit and former teen heartthrob on if he isn’t going to be the Very Special Guest Killer? But it seems Mackenzie Astin and his corduroy jacket have a pretty solid alibi. So now it’s time to turn our attention to the sister and wife in the other case. They console each other with some Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching. Someone has to do it if Jane and Maura won’t. But they have an alibi, too.

At the precinct, the husband and the women brush past each other awkwardly. I legitimately sat up and screamed “STRANGERS ON A TRAIN!” at my TV as it happened. So, I could still be right, MACKENZIE ASTIN DID IT. In the interview room the sister (dark, Carol Brady hair) and the wife (long, no other descriptive qualities hair) basically admit how unlikeable their brother/husband was. Sister comforts wife with some more TGTGT and now I’m getting extra suspicious. Is this a sister wife situation, minus Bill Paxton?

In the autopsy room, the dead wife rolls in next to the dead husband. Jane goes to look up the woman’s faculty page, where her husband is also a (non-tenured) part of the department. Maura discusses the intricacies of university politics and Jane, pointedly, wonders aloud how smart people can be so dumb. Like, why on Earth would Maura take in the mobster father of her mobster father? Two wrongs desperately trying to make a right? Frankie walks in and complains that Maura hasn’t removed the bullet from his victim yet. Jane gently chastises him because no one chastises her woman, gently or otherwise. He apologizes sheepishly. It’s not like he doesn’t know the Jane Commandments already. No. 1: Thou shalt not be mean to Maura. No. 2: Thou shalt see No. 1.

But not being mean to Maura doesn’t mean not spying on Maura. Jane uses her own magic fingers (well, that’s what Maura calls them) to snoop through her computer’s personal files. She finds Grandpa Mobster’s medical records there. Maura can’t help but want to know more about her genetics. Probably just because she wants to know what her and Jane’s future eye sex babies will look like.

Before they can properly consummate, Jane gets a “delivery” upstairs. It’s Lt. Col. Beard Force a day early. Of all the things not to get lost in the mail. Beard Force goes in for a kiss, but Jane says, “No, I’m at work.” But he does it anyway because he’s bad with personal boundaries. And in that moment, we are all the disgusted officer at the front desk. The next morning Jane walks into her kitchen wearing just an oversized white oxford shirt. Some manservant is making her breakfast. Leave it to Jane to hire a male maid. Probably didn’t want any possibility of Maura being jealous about the female help. Fine, maybe it’s Beard Force getting all extra clingy and making her farmers market fresh omelets and cleaning out her fridge and doing her laundry. Jane tells him she’s thrilled for the help because, “I’ve always wanted a wife.”

We’re going to take a beat to let that sink in. Jane wants a wife. Jane has Maura. Supreme Court says it’s OK for Jane to marry Maura. See, kids, dreams can come true. Clingy Lt. Col. Beard Force asks what they should do today, but Jane says, shucks darn, she has to go into work. She doesn’t want to waste one of her 116 vacation days on something unimportant like, well, him.

Just then, to the relief of lesbians everywhere, Mama Rizzoli barges into Jane’s apartment. She gets the Senior Criminologists Susie Chang award for the week. Mama R has been displaced from Maura’s place by Grandpa Mobster. She levels a disapproving look at “Charles” and calls their unnecessary displays of affection “disgusting.” Now I’m going to take up a collection to have a bronze statue built in Mama R’s honor. In the autopsy room, Maura is fretting to Jane that Mama R hates her now. She knows how delicate the balance is in the daughter-in-law/mother-in-law bond. Jane reassures her that Mama R loves her and her guesthouse. Not necessarily in that order.

Maura squints her eyes and says she can see Jane’s tell. Earlier, Jane noticed Maura’s as well. Picking up on your partner’s nearly imperceptible emotional signals and revealing them to elicit thorough processing of feelings? Nope, nothing gay about that. Maura also knows right away her problem is Lt. Col. Beard Force. Beards are high maintenance, what with all the food and unwanted relationships always getting caught up in them. Jane says she is frustrated she can’t take a day off. But then says that was a lie and she totally can take a day off, she just doesn’t want to. On account of the gay.

Maura says she knows it’s because Jane loves solving homicides and her work and also Maura. But Jane is overcome with the guilt about loving basically everything else on the planet more than Beard Force. Jane, you are doing this beard thing wrong. The whole point is that it’s a guilt (and sex)-free relationship. Possibly is your guilt about not being truthful about yourself in the first place? Internalized homophobia? Well, get over it, honey. It gets better once you’re out and you also don’t have weird creepy dudes washing your thong underwear without your consent. Then Jane says the second most true truth to ever be uttered truthfully, “I can’t be me and be his, too.” In a nutshell, yes. Look, I know I’ve said this before again and again and again and — yes — again, but the reason people watch this show is emphatically not to see Jane and Maura hook up with dudes every other week. People watch to see the dynamic between two smart women who are best friends and co-workers. It’s Rizzoli & Isles, not Rizzoli & Boyfriends.

Jane admits as much, saying she wants him to stay and then go — but mainly the go part. Note how she’s never said she wants Maura to go. In fact, she’s even willing to drop the homicide case she’s working on, the very case she used as an excuse not to stay with Beard Force, and go with Maura to the prison to pick up her long-lost grandpa. So, spend a day with your “boyfriend,” who you haven’t seen in months or spend a day with your girlfriend (note the lack of quote marks), who you see every single day? Such a tough decision. Jane throws her coat over her shoulder and practically winks at Maura saying, “The things I do for you.” Tell us more about these things, Jane. Spare no detail — especially if they involve the S&M room in Maura’s basement we all know secretly exists.

At the penitentiary, Grandpa Mobster is wheeled out and he is your classic grumpy old man. He tells Maura she should have never seen the light of day and doesn’t want anything to do with her. This, naturally, immediately flips the Protective Jane switch and she insists they put him back in the dark hole from whence he came. Still, after having seen Jane and Maura together for less than a minute, Grandpa Mobster nails their relationship immediately and calls Jane Maura’s “girlfriend.” He may be grumpy, but he has impeccable gaydar. Jane grabs her girlfriend to leave, but the prison guard says no tag backs, the old man is theirs now. So they wheel him into Maura’s place despite his grumblings. But now they can’t leave him there alone. So who ya gonna call? Manservant! Guess Beard Force was good for something after all. He brings his service dog over and now everyone has a purpose. Beard Force is there to entertain Grandpa Mobster so Jane and Maura can go make out, er, solve crimes. Balance in the universe, restored.

Beard Force insists on being annoying, and says they should cut Grandpa Mobster some slack for being a horrible person. Oh, Beardy, you’re dangerously close to violating Jane’s No. 1 Commandment. Being nice to someone who is mean to Maura is almost like being mean to Maura. Maura smartly pops a grape to stifle a smug laugh because, “Ney-ner ney-ner, Jane took time off to help me, but not you.” Jane takes matters into her own hands and asks Korsak to call in a favor with a friend at the Housing Authority to get Grandpa Mobster out of Maura’s place ASAP. Oh, and maybe let’s discuss the case for a few minutes. This whole thing is going to boil down to dog hair. Yes, dog hair. I don’t know, it could only be more gay if it was cat hair.

We’re going to breeze through Red Herring No. 1 because the angry, stoner grad student didn’t do it. But he did call the dead professor a “fat bitch” for accusing him of plagiarism, so he’s no prize either. Speaking of no prizes, Jane runs in late to meet Casey at The Dirty Robber. Her face registers her excitement (or more accurately, her lack thereof) perfectly. It’s so wrong to see her there with anyone but Maura. Also wrong is his admitting he enjoyed spending time with Grandpa Mobster. Jane hits him for this, as she should. Then he makes her congratulate him for being promoted from Lt. Col. Beard Force to Col. Beard Force. He says he’s in line to become a general, but has to decide if he wants to stay in the military or not. A grateful nation thanks you for your service, and wants you to stay in and the hell away from Jane.

The next morning Jane is at Maura’s place for breakfast. And, once again, let me remind you that the “boyfriend” she hasn’t seen in months is still around and waiting to spend time with her. Actions speak louder than words, and all that. She then tells Maura that Col. Beard Force wants to become a general and loves the Army more than her. The relief in her voice is palpable. Whatever, I’m interpreting it as relief. Tears of joy are a real thing, people. Maura meanwhile is engaged in an anthropological experiment called feeding the old coot. He needs to eat his powdered eggs and burnt toast at 7 a.m. sharp. Grandpa Mobster rolls in, but refuses to eat his prison-issue grub. This sets Protective Jane off again, because no one refuses Maura’s good graces. He spins his sob story about having his only son taken from him by Hope, and by default Maura. And how Paddy turned his back on him or whatever. Don’t know why the writers want us to feel sorry for this miserable S.O.B., but I emphatically do not. Jane doesn’t either and says maybe Paddy did it to show him the one good thing he’s done with his life, make Maura. Be more in love with her, Jane. I dare you.

Back at the office the detectives are still talking about dogs. Jane jokes about Korsak making a love connection with a German shepherd. Then apologizes for showing her tell. Of course neither Korsak or Frost know what the hell she’s talking about because they’re not in love with her and attuned to her every emotion like Maura. The dog talk tracks back to a private dog park where, guess what, the husband of dead wife and the sister of the dead husband both are members. And the sister had a German shepherd on the same medication Maura found in its hair sample. So, like I was saying, MACKENZIE ASTIN DID IT. Well, so did the sister, but I don’t know who that actress is.

The detectives theorize the sister wanted her brother dead because he was trying to vote her off the board. And the husband wanted the wife dead because, and I quote, “she let herself go.” Seriously, Korsak? That’s your first thought? Now I see why you’ve had so many wives. But Jane digs deeper and finds out it was competition over a tenure spot and also the fact that the husband is a plagiarizing fraud. So they set up a sting at the dog park to catch the conspirators. Hey, there’s only three minutes left before the summer finale ends. You know what this seems like an excellent time for? Gratuitous product placement! Look, I’ll deal with the ubiquity of Dr. Scholls inserts, but I will not abide anything that cuts into my Big Gayzzoli Ending time. Will. Not. Abide.

But it’s not the sister that shows up, but the wife. Twist! It was the wife who made the deal to kill the other wife. And the wife is also in a relationship with the sister. Gay twist! But not really, because we called that Mackenzie Astin/Sister Wives thing like 50 minutes ago. Also, the show finally gives us lesbians and they’re killers — AGAIN? Case solved, now Jane and Maura can snuggle, yes? But not, they’re still dealing with Grandpa Mobster. They bring him to a home in Southie and he’s terrible about it, as expected. But then Maura tells him to shut up and take her kindness, so he does. No one says no to Assertive Maura. Not even grumpy old men.

Jane smiles because she loves when Maura gets a little bossy (e.g. the secret S&M room). And then she tells the most hilarious joke. Are you ready for it? She says Col. Beard Force will leave for Afghanistan again unless Jane agrees to marry him. Right? So funny! I mean, no one could possibly juggle a military career and marriage, right? Impossible! It’s a proven fact all generals are single. After Jane breaks the ultimatum to Maura, they stare deeply into one another’s eyes and finally consummate the season with some right and proper eye sex. Then they laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh some more. Marry a man. Hilarious.

And now for your summer finale final #Gayzzoli tweets of the summer. Good news, no more beards until winter. See, there’s a silver lining in everything.

                         

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