“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.11): All Hail Seitan

 
 

Doug Savant went to law school with the judge. He’s comforting the judge’s daughter, who was in mock trial and saw her mom collapse and die. Everyone talks in hushed, concerned tones. Maura finds a needle prick on the judge’s neck and scratch on her hand, indicating murder. Come on, we all know DOUG SAVANT DID IT. That’s a wrap – pour a glass of wine and pop open a beer. Nothing more to see here.

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Ugh, fine – they insist on completing the investigation. In the autopsy room Jane is impatiently badgering Maura about what toxin could have killed the judge. But Maura explains that science is hard. How is it they can put a rover on Mars, but can’t make two women who are obviously attracted to one another make out?

Jane pushes, but Maura is having none of it. Do not question your girlfriend’s process. Do we have to take the No. 1 Girlfriend trophy away from you so soon, Jane? She also notices the judge had the legs of a runner. OK, yep, there goes the trophy.

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The detectives try to fill in the timelines of the judge’s last moments. They find lots of files in her briefcase, and an empty file marked “Extensions.” They also deduce she went up and down four flights of stairs, but aren’t sure how long it would take a runner in good shape like her to make it. So Frost bolts up and runs off wordlessly. Awww, Frost. Turns out it’s just 45 seconds.

Red Herring No. 1 is a prominent doctor selling prescription drugs to a local gang. Soon there’s a Red Herring No. 2, the judge’s law clerk, to keep him company. Frost and Frankie do their weird gross dude thing where they check out chicks together again. Seriously, aren’t you two tired from living so much on the DL? Wait, what am I talking about, look who your role models are.

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Korsak puts an end to their ridiculousness with a forceful, “No!” So say we all. Listen to your elders, boys. Red Herring No. 2 says the judge was a feminist trailblazer for women on the court. But also sometimes she had dizziness, fatigue and slurred speech. Was she an alcoholic feminist trailblazer? To be Korsak about it, no! Because DOUG SAVANT DID IT.

Later that night at the Isles Estate, Jane is there because of course she is. She’s unpacking their take-out. She finds – could it be, could it be…SATAN? (If you’re old enough to get that Church Lady SNL joke, high five!) It’s actually seitan, a meat substitute Maura ordered for them because of course she did. Jane realizes it’s theme night, what with the mock trial and mock meat. Though, to be fair, these gals always indulge in meat substitutes. Just not at the dinner table. On the dinner table, well, that’s another story.

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Jane praises seitan for Maura in an attempt to win back her No. 1 Girlfriend trophy. Then Tommy bursts in – because someone needs to fill the role of Captain Crotchblock/Senior Criminologist Susie Chang – with Maura’s mail and a bag full of recyclable cans and bottles for Mama R. Maura immediately goes into Wikipedia fact mode, spouting off about fungus, bacteria and other pathogens.

Jane barks at Tommy to get the offending bag out of her girlfriend’s living room and when he doesn’t do so promptly she picks it up and throws it out before Maura’s head explodes – and not in that fun way. Look who just earned back her trophy.

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Jane calls Tommy’s decision to use Shamu The Lawyer for his settlement “short-sighted and stupid.” He, naturally, takes offense. After he leaves Maura sorts through her mail only to find an IRS audit. But it’s not for Dr. Maura Isles because you know she has the most immaculate and color-coordinated tax returns you’ve ever seen. It’s for Mama R.

Jane grabs it and steams it open while Maura yells at her because “mail tampering is a crime.” It’s only by breaking the law that they learn the terrible, awful about Mama R’s back taxes. Jane gets mad that her ma obviously told Tommy, but not her or Frankie about the $27,000 problem. But Maura knows. She may be wordy, but Jane is judgey.

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