“Rizzoli & isles” Subtext Recap (4.10): My kingdom for a kale salad

 
 

Hey, it’s Giovanni. Now that’s a good sign. I always view him as the four-leaf clover of gayzzoli. He’s bound to bring luck in the subtext department. I mean, how could he not? One look at this goofy, clueless, face-licking specimen of the male species and our ladies are bound to be drawn closer to each other.

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This time he’s at an illegal street race where even more ridiculous male posturing is happening. A lot of talk of horsepower and speed and eating one’s dust is thrown around. Just get the tape measure out, boys, it’d be so much easier and better for our air quality. Those amped-up muscle cars can’t be good for the environment. How about a Prius race instead? Bet Maura would win.

Of course, no one ever listens to me and so the race starts and then things go boom. Like, literally, boom. One of the racer’s cars blows up. But we’re totally fine with that (aside for the imaginary loss of life) because we finally get to see Jane and Maura. They are, of course, bickering. Maura is on Jane (see what I did there?) to get her cholesterol checked. And Jane is on Maura (see, see–I did it again!) to leave her alone about her health.

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The Adorable Bickersons are at it and we couldn’t be happier. Maura gets to the heart (because they heart each other–I can’t stop myself!) of the matter saying Jane’s crankiness is due to her coffee addiction. Jane says she is cranky because she has a girlfriend who nags her about her health. Danger, Jane Rizzoli, danger. Keep going in that direction with your excuses and you’ll be sleeping on the couch for a week.

Just then Frankie comes in with a perp he collared for handing out free meth. Bet he goes around giving it out by saying, “Tweaks really are for kids!” Jane goes over to offer some big sisterly help (i.e. egging on the suspect) before actually helping to move him. But then Lt. Det. Rafael “Suave” Martinez comes up all suspicious and tells Jane to stop helping. You know, as much as I joke about hating all the beards–and believe you me, I hate all the beards – I really hate Suave. Not only is he another unnecessary possible romantic foil for Jane, he’s a – to quote Jane herself – complete “douche.” To quote Det. Jane Rizzoli again, “REALLY? Do we really need this macho bullshit in our show about two capable and competent female lead characters, really?”

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Maura, being endlessly adorable, tells Jane the etymological origin of the word “douche.” Sensing Jane’s frustration with all the unwanted testosterone in the room, Maura jokingly checks Jane’s body temperature to see if it signals a rise in her sexual arousal. She then checks Jane’s hand for tremors as a response to being in the presence of a sexy “bad boy.” I half expected her to next bring out a fainting couch and ask if Jane had the vapors. Because we all know Jane is only ever turned on by good girl genius medical examiners.

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Jane and Maura get called to the scene of the barbecued drag racer. Whoa, production department, go a little less realistic on the crispy critter, please. I was trying to eat dinner while watching. On the scene we also get our first glimpse of Frost again. And, again, it hurt. It hurts a lot.

To break up the sadness, everyone’s favorite dim bulb Giovanni is there, too. He hollers over to Jane and asks what she’s doing there. Her response was pure Det. Jane Clementine Rizzoli: “Oh, well they make us show up when there’s a dead guy.” Snort. See, now this is why I watch this show.

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Giovanni tells Jane he’s been recording his whole life in video selfies. Wow, please tell me his Instagram account immediately so I never, ever, even if on accident see any of his posts. After some weak denials and even weaker attempt to keep his phone, Jane wrangles both it and the fact that he recorded the whole race on it from him. Oh, Giovanni, you fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia,” but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go against a Rizzoli when your phone is on the line.”

Just then, Bomb Tech BT strides onto the scene and helps confirm the car’s supposed nitrous oxide tank was filled with propane instead and was rigged to explode on purpose. Maura gives Bomb Tech BT an extra long look because how silly is it when your initials match your profession’s acronym? That’s like being MD MD or LT LT.

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