“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.08): Big Sister Act

But instead of training himself, Frankie helps train Frost on how to get over his gag reflex…about blood. Aw, see, Frostie is so sweet to one another. And it works, Frost takes it all in…looking at the neck wound. Way to help out your man, Frankie. Someone’s getting lucky tonight. Never a dry spell for those Rizzoli siblings.

Jane arrives and goes with Korsak to investigate the people at the arena. Korsak is admittedly not brave enough to stop a tied youth hockey game. But Jane doesn’t blink at hollering at the ref to stop the action. The ref appears eager to experience his last moments on Earth instead, because he calls Jane a “mom” and tells her to back away – repeatedly. This, naturally, does not go over well with Det. Jane Rizzoli. See Jane yell. Yell, Jane, yell.

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The ref finally gets the picture just in time to not have to dislodge his whistle from wherest the sun doth not shine. The game is stopped and the parents figuratively throw an octopus on the ice. There’s a lot of grousing about the game being stopped and general dickish behavior from sports parents. See, this is why I didn’t play youth sports – who needs to learn at such a tender age that your parents are assholes? Well, that and my complete lack of all athletic abilities.

Maura is back with the body and Jane joins her by following the blood-drops from the arena. It’s like a slasher-film Hansel & Gretel moment. Though, if you think about it, Hansel & Gretel was a pretty sick horror story all on its own. Luring kids in with candy and fattening them up to eat. OK, I think I’m off track. Trail, blood, Maura. And I’m back.

The detectives think the victim might be the one mom who isn’t in the arena. But, no, that’s just Agro Hockey Mom who slipped away to her minivan to have a cigarette after the sweet thrill of breaking another human being’s nose cartilage. The suburban set has to get their jollies where they can. So then who is the lady painting the garage floor in her blood? Inquiring Ponytails of Righteous Justice need to know.

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Turns out she was a lady who showed up at the hockey league’s practice selling some product called “No-Drip Helmet Pads.” She gave a sample to all the players and then collected them afterward in baggies that the kids wrote their names on. At this moment I’m sure you all thought, “She’s trying to collect their DNA!” because, really, there’s no other reason to handles gross, smelly adolescent boys’ used sweat pads.  I swear this show was designed to boost our sleuthing self-esteem and make us feel like Sherlock freaking Holmes. Elementary, my dear Jane and Maura.

After a 2-second Google search, Frost discovers that there’s no such thing as No-Drip Helmet Pads. I hate to say it, but they’re turning him into the Max of Rizzoli & Isles. Frost, do a computer search. Frost, check the stabilizer module for the neovectors communication satellite. And we all roll our eyes along with Korsak.

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The detectives argue about who should interview Agro Hockey Mom. Jane says she had her own agro hockey mom to deal with as a kid. Oh my God, I’m now imagining little Janey in her hockey pads with her tiny Ponytail of Righteous Sportiness flapping under her helmet. Jane says her mom went nuts at Frankie’s hockey matches, but we all know that’s just because she dominated on the ice so there was no need to berate the refs.

Jane happily ducks out of the interviews and goes down to autopsy for much-needed Maura cuddle time. Or, their equivalent of cuddle time, bantering merrily over a gruesome dead body. They get in jokes about Captain Hook and Lost Boys’ gummy bears. Hold on, are they Swan Queen shippers? Then Hope interrupts all the fun by calling. Is she trying to compete with Senior Criminalist Susie for the title of The CrotchBlocker?

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Hope has apparently gone on Extreme Makeover Helicopter Mom since we last saw her because she’s even more overprotective than normal.  She keeps calling Maura to check up on her 19-year-old daughter. Jane is having none of it. She’s not getting blocked by both the half-sister and the biological mother. A good girlfriend can only take so much. So much, I say.

Requisite Red Herring No. 1 is interviewed by Frost and Korsak. Hey, I just realized Agro Hockey Mom looks a lot like Marla Hooch’s little sister.

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