“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.06): I threw my coffee for you

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The previously slow barista is at the woman’s side in an instant and makes sure to call Jane a “bitch” for good measure as Jane and Maura leave. But poor Jane still hasn’t had her coffee yet, so Maura gives her hers because she is the best girlfriend in the universe.

At the crime scene, an elderly man has barricaded himself in his house with what officers believe is a dead body. Frost and Frankie are on the scene first because it’s been a while since we’ve had a cute Frostie scene. They pretend to bro it up about a hot new rookie cop. But Officer Britney Spears is not fooled. She’s all, “Oops!…You Did It Again” acting like you’re into girls. “(You Drive Me) Crazy” by not coming out. Too much? I was really stretching there.

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Jane and Maura arrive just in time for the old man to come out brandishing a shotgun. He fires, which in any real-world scenario would lead police to pump him full of a kajillion bullets. But Jane notices white smoke and deploys the Pointy Finger of Righteous Justice, telling everyone to stand down because the man is clearly shooting blanks.

Then Jane, Maura and Korsak go up to him and talk the old codger down. In the basement they find the bludgeoned to death body of a garbage man who was friends with the old guy. They search for the murder weapon but find everything else under the sun instead. Crock pot, 8-track player, Flowbee, rocket rockets, strap-on harnesses. Damn, did I get this confused with Jane’s basement again?

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Back at the Division One Café, Tommy is showing Mama Rizzoli the latest YouTube sensation. It’s titled Mean Detective Jane and shows her, literal, run-in with Wannabe Alex Vause from earlier that day. Tommy thinks it’s awesome because now she’ll be Internet Famous and they’ll be rich, rich I tell you. How’d that work out for Chris Crocker, Star Wars Kid and Keyboard Cat?

Old Man Hoarder is being interrogated and says he’ll only talk to “The Nice Lady.” Jane’s all, “I got this.” But then he yells, “No, you took away my Second Amendment rights, you liberal bleeding-heart communist. I meant the nice doctor lady with the great legs.” So Maura comes in to complete the interview because I’m sure Medical Examiners do that all the time in real life. This is, like, a documentary – right?

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Jane Cyrano de Bergeracs Maura with the questions during the interview. But Maura insists on talking back to her ear mic, which is cute but also stupid. Isn’t she supposed to be a genius? Don’t talk to the imaginary voices in your head in front of a man who hears actual imaginary voices in his head. He tells Maura all about “Them” who have been spying and stealing from him. Wait, I think they have the wrong interrogator for this case. Is Mulder available?

Back in Old Man Hoarder’s basement Officer Britney Spears is helping with the search. But she takes the time to tell that, “You two pretending to be into me is so ‘Toxic.’” It’s like I can’t help myself. They’re pretending to check out Officer Brit-Brit’s ass. Looks like it’s time to go over that Sexual Harassment manual again in the Boston Homicide Unit. Frost calls her not Frankie’s type, because he’d know. Oh you two, stop having more cute moments than Jane and Maura this episode.

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Just then Red Herring No. 1 walks in carrying lemonade. It’s the too-interested next-door-neighbor offering refreshments and talking about items Old Man Hoarder supposedly borrowed that he now wants back. Hey, I’m no police procedure expert, but shouldn’t someone be posted outside the house to prevent people from walking directly into crime scenes?

The duo Skypes in to Maura’s office to ostensibly talk about the murder weapon but really to debut Frostie’s Toy Theater. The pair reenact Jane’s coffee encounter from the morning. See what I said about them having cute moments? Jane and Maura, step it up.

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Jane and Maura are like, how the hell? But then Frost and Frankie assure them the answer is on YouTube. And thus the Mean Detective Jane viral video is uncovered. It’s an edited clip complete with instant replays and lip dubs. I mean, it’s no kitten falling asleep video, but I might click on that on a slow afternoon.

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