Jane rightfully shoots daggers at her mom as they screen the video. If Maura goes to prison it’s going to be one hell of an awkward Thanksgiving dinner this year. Also, they won’t have any place to eat it because Angela certainly won’t still be living at the house of the woman she helped to put away nor the apartment of her daughter who is now in a prison relationship. The bad news parade keeps getting worse: No roofies in Maura’s system, the skin under her nails matches the victim and her fingerprints and hair were found in the backseat of his car. But she wasn’t raped. Thank heavens for small mercies.
Back at her house, Maura tries to coax Bass to eat some delectable greens. But leave it to a tortoise to know when someone should run and hide. Because next comes a knock on the door. It’s Jane – and Frost and Korsak. “Oh, no,” may be the understatement of the year, Maura. I’d have gone with “Oh, shit” or “No justice, no peace” or “Attica! Attica!”
Right, first some ground rules: 1. Never insult the food. 2. Use maxi-pads as makeshift shower sandals if your commissary isn’t in yet. 3. Only throw your pie for someone if you are sure she’s your prison wife. I just realized if you haven’t watched Orange Is the New Black this week’s recap isn’t going to make much sense. Solution: Watch Orange Is the New Black. I mean it, that show is amazing.
Maura makes the long walk in orange to the holding cell. Inside she finds a cast of unsavory characters. Where are Taystee and Red and Big Boo? Instead we’re stuck with a Pennsatucky wannabe who recognizes Maura as the person who put away her old man. So she socks Maura in the face.
The guards run in immediately to break it up. They subdue the offending cellmate, and then the red-haired female guard gives Maura a special message. Paddy Doyle sends his regards. So does that mean Maura’s attacker will be getting an icepick to the heart anytime soon? I’m generally against revenge, but no one damages that beautiful face.
At Jane’s house, the signs of Maura’s absence are already painfully apparent. For one, she’s eating olives and ketchup for dinner. For two, she’s in her own apartment. Frankie is going over the case with her when there’s a light knock on the door. He says he can leave if she’s expecting someone. This is clearly a joke to break the tension because we all know her someone special is sitting in a cell and avoiding the showers right about now.
Instead, it’s Mama Rizzoli. Jane gives her a look that says, “If I have to make conjugal visits with Maura for the next 25 years to life you’re never getting another Mother’s Day card.” Mama R says she’s sick about what happened. Jane takes her to task for running to her boyfriend with the video instead of her. And then says she would have deleted the video and happily taken the year in prison for obstruction of justice. Anything to save Maura from a lifetime of orange jumpsuits.
In lockup, Maura is nursing a shiner. Her slugger gets sent to isolation, but not before blowing Maura a kiss. This triggers a memory, a gloved hand blowing a powder into Maura’s face. Ew. Jane comes in to check on her, but as soon as she sees Maura’s black eye she goes ballistic. We’re talking Protective Jane Level 11. She threatens the other women with a very short life if anything else happens to her woman. I’m sad Maura got hurt, but come on, that’s hot.
But Maura is less impressed by Jane’s fierce protectiveness because she’s intent on clearing her name. Don’t worry, she’ll thank her properly latter. She wants Susie to run another test for Scopolamine, or “The Devil’s Breathe.” It can render a person incapacitated and without free will by simply blowing it in her face. Also, it’s a real thing. Great, now I’m terrified and will have to go around like Michael Jackson with a weird face mask on at all times. But without the undertones of pedophilia. Too soon? Please, we were all thinking it.