“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.04): Orange Is the New Rizzles

This is the story of an upper-class, well-educated white woman who confronts personal and professional hardships when arrested and thrown behind bars. She’s the last person you would expect to find in an orange jumpsuit, yet there she is forced to face hostile fellow inmates and a corrupted correctional system. All the while she must deal with her unrelenting attraction for another woman, something that confounds her because of her more recent relationship history with men. But she knows she can’t fight her feelings because they are, quite simply, inevitable.

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Oh, I’m sorry. We aren’t watching Orange Is the New Black? I could have sworn. I mean, you can see how I could get confused. What with the storylines matching up pretty much perfectly and all. But, hey, my bad. Please proceed with your crime procedural about two totally heterosexual best friends. Mistake noted. Won’t happen again. Probably. Maybe. On second thought, I shouldn’t make any promises.  Anyway, where were we?

So Jane and Maura are on a date. We know it’s a date because Maura is in a dress nursing a glass of wine and Jane is in a suit drinking her favorite Belgian white. (p.s. Does Blue Moon pay for product placement or do the prop masters just inherently know which beers lesbians like?) They’re attending a benefit for bone marrow donation. Jane is annoyed because, really, how much more of herself can Maura give to altruistic causes–and quite literally? As we all know, every inch of that body rightfully belongs to Jane.

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As they’re standing around a couple mistakes Jane for a waiter, because why else would a striking woman be wearing a suit jacket at a charity fundraiser. Maura giggles because it’s clearly not the first time her girlfriend has been mistaken for the help while wearing a suit at a formal event. She teases her and says she should have worn a dress. Let’s make it fair for everyone–Jane put on Maura’s dress and Maura put on Jane’s suit, again.

Jane convinces Maura they should slip away and play a very private game of “Unzip Me.” But then the hosts of the benefit–a famous golf pro and his wife–come over. Maura introduces Jane as her “colleague,” which I guess is what the kids are calling it instead of “roommate” these days. They whisk Maura away to go impress some grumpy doctors into opening their pocketbooks. Hey, it would work on me. The wife stays behind and calls Maura a giver. Um, how would she know? Then she asks Jane if she is one, too. Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady–that’s a little personal. Sure, it is obvious Jane and Maura are together. But even out and proud people want to keep the intimate dynamics of their bedroom behavior private. Also, girl please, Jane is so butch in the streets, femme in the sheets.

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Jane gives the woman $1,000 to stop prying into her sex life. Then she literally drags Maura away by the hand. Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, ahoy! A girlfriend can only take so much. And entertaining nosey straight folks asking about her top/bottom status falls well beyond the Good Girlfriend purview.

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But Maura rather likes torturing Jane, and insists she stays and meets this fascinating colorectal surgeon she just met. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he’s a butt doctor. So, naturally, he is interested in Maura. I mean, the man has eyes. Jane peaces out and takes Maura’s car because she knows she’ll see plenty of dat ass later at home.

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