“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext recap (4.03): They’re not regular aunts, they’re cool gay aunts

In the autopsy room, Jane shows off her Maura handling skills for Frankie – who grins because he’s seen it a million times. She gets Maura to say the picture in the dead woman’s locket is probably of her mother. These two, am I right, Frankie? I bet he’s the kind of brother who would wear the “My Gay Big Sister is My Hero” T-shirt in the pride parade, don’t you? I mean, Jane did shoot herself through the abdomen to save his life, so it’d kind of be a jerk move to not.

Back on the case the detectives are worrying as much about their job security as they are the case. The paper warns of possible cuts to Boston PD’s detective ranks, and Frankie already has to “float” between units. Korsak isn’t worried because of his fallback career as a pizza delivery boy.

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I’m not too worried about Jane either. As long as she kept the cuffs and uniform she’d do nonstop business as a “Hot Cop” entertainer at lesbian bachelorette parties. I mean it; she wouldn’t even have to strip. Just walk in and demand the brides-to-be get up against the wall and spread ‘em. If you tell me you wouldn’t give every dollar bill you own for that, I’d tell you you’re lying.

Of course, Jane would never have to resort to that because her girlfriend is loaded. Also, something tells me Maura doesn’t handle other ladies eyeballing her lady that well. Remember when Jane was making headway at the lesbian bar and Maura passive aggressively showed up and stuck the Rack of God into her face as a distraction. Of course you do. You open up the gif every couple of weeks as a secret pick-me up.

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Speaking of Maura, she calls Jane in to talk more about the body. Jane instead decides it’s a perfect time to surf for some porn. Maura’s computers don’t have the same blocking software as the ones upstairs, apparently. Jane was also smart to use it while logged in as Maura. Naturally Maura runs right over when Jane tells her what she’s up to and pushes Jane out of the way. See, told you she wasn’t the sharing type.

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After they’re done surfing CrashPad, Jane and Maura do a little familial stalking for good measure. They look up Strawberry Dweebcake and find he’s already bragging about his “new family” online and how they’re all going to move to Texas together and burn to a crisp in the sun. When will the pale-complected learn to live in the Pacific Northwest? It worked for the Cullens.

Jane and Maura are not pleased because it’s so much harder to be the cool gay aunts long distance. Mama Rizzoli is also not pleased. She decides the only solution is to get Tommy and Lydia back together because she needs a grandbaby nearby to dote on. And, as she pointedly tells Jane and Frankie, “Neither one of you are making any.” Look, Mama R, I know it’s difficult what with Jane and Maura being so obviously together and Frankie and Frost keeping on the DL. But there are so many happy, healthy gay parents out there through the wonders of adoption, surrogacy, in-vitro fertilization and more. Just watch The Fosters and relax. You’ll have oodles of grandbabies yet.

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Frankie decides to buy him and Jane some time, because in a stable relationship, or not, the decision to have kids is a big one not to be rushed. So he devises a Parent Trap-esque plan to get Tommy and Lydia in the same room. This involves calling Lydia and telling her how much Jane wants to get together to give TJ his present. Jane is less than enthused by the plan. This is clearly the face of a woman who has never stepped foot inside Babies “R” Us.

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In the break room, all the detectives are reading memos from the brass. There’s talk of layoffs. Or possibly reassignments to beat positions. Jane bemoans the fact that she might have to come to work everyday in her uniform. Well, she’s the only one. Sure, it’s a demotion. But, you know, yum. To work off her frustration, Jane tells Maura they have to go to her office immediately. It’s an emergency. Maura asks what kind of emergency. Jane says the kinds where you don’t ask any questions, trust me and remember your safe word.

See, ladies, this is what happens when you surf porn together in the middle of a workday.

Finished with their urgent emergency, Jane and Maura meet Lydia in the cafeteria with their “present.” It’s a developmental children’s mask guaranteed to stimulate learning and boost IQ masquerading as a ceremonial tribal mask from Maura’s office.  Hold on, did I get the order wrong in that sentence

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But hey, weren’t they supposed to get Lydia to Jane’s apartment? I know, tell her because of budget cuts you’ve been transferred to Guam. Works every time. I used to pick up girls at the bar that way. Except I used to say I was being shipped to Trinidad and Tobago. The longer the name, the more the sympathy it elicits. Pro tip.

Maura’s pretty certain there’s no way Lydia will fall for the old Guam line, but then she does and everyone screams because nothing says fun like a girls night with an ulterior motive.

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