“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.15): Bringing down the big gay house


Maura tells Jane she made like The Real World and stopped being polite and just got real with how hurt she was with Hope. Jane reassures her girlfriend that she doesn’t always have to be nice (except to her) and that she’s proud of her. A little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching and eye sex drive home the point.

To distract her girlfriend from her anguish, Jane gets her talking about fun topics like ball bearings. And then Jane distracts her further by saying she strapped a pair of balls on herself. Well, look, whatever you two ladies are into is fine by me. Just be safe and remember to wash your toys after each use.

Maura convinces Jane to go talk to her beard. I guess if he dies in surgery she’ll feel guilty and that’s bad for your sex life. So, OK, I get her thinking. Jane says, “I don’t know why I’m doing this?!” And we all yell, “Come out of the closet, it’s so much easier!” She goes over to Lt. Col. Beard Force’s place, and he is in his Army fatigues because apparently the producers are afraid we’ll forget he’s a war veteran or something.

Beard Force says he’s going through with the surgery because he can’t live without being able to feel Jane and give her children. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Someone is severely confused about the proper role and responsibilities of a beard. Also, way to denigrate the relationships of all paraplegics there buddy. They’re not worthy or something?

Back at the crumbling building, Frost is taking pictures when the developer confronts him. Then concrete starts raining down onto them in the parking garage. It flattens Frost’s car. It flattens Frost. It flattens Tommy. We don’t care about the developer guy, but I’m guessing it flattens him too. Jane gets the call and runs out. Beard Force wants to come but she’s like, “Dude, you’ll slow me down.” Whoops. Looks like everyone’s practicing brutal honesty these days.

Jane runs screaming to Maura, forever each others’ rocks. And we all scream, “Kiss her you fool!” at our screens. Again.

Frost, Tommy and the baby are trapped inside under rubble. Jane and Frankie are frantic to get in, but kept back. Maura tells he it was recycled concrete that caused the collapse. Bodies, blood. It’s a bad scene. In walks Hope, offering her help during the medical emergency. Drama drama drama. It was the councilman from the beginning who underbid the project and used a company in his wife’s name to avoid conflict of interest. Wow, Boston has the worst background checkers in city government ever. They also killed the maintenance guy to keep him quiet. Whew, another case solved that no one really cared about.

Korsak tells Jane about underground tunnels beneath the building. So what does she do? Goes into them. Without a hard hat. And with Maura. Also without a hard hat. Yeah, so, not the smartest move, ladies. But at least you’ll get crushed together in each other’s arms.

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