“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.15): Bringing down the big gay house


In the café, Tommy is being the dimmest and truthiest Rizzoli some more. But all we see is adorable Baby Rizzoli in his cow knit cap. Before we all expire from the adorableness, Dr. Hope Martin comes in and we all go, damn, that’s good castings again. Maura’s bio mom tries to get Mama Rizzoli to side with her in her never-ending kidney quest. Blah blah, things are hard blah blah blah I need that kidney blah blah blah. I’ve decided I dislike this character, great casting be damned.

Mama R cuts through the sob story and says, “I know this isn’t my business, but Maura, Maura is my business.” Yep, your daughter-in-law is most definitely your business. She touches her heart, because that’s how protective she is of Jane and Maura’s love. But then she’s weakened by the Baby Rizzoli cuteness herself and tells Hope it’s OK for her to demand Maura’s kidney to save her “real” daughter. See, babies ruin everything.

Jane and Maura are working on the murder, if they must, and Jane wants to know if you can scan for depression. It’s OK, Jane, even with only one kidney Maura will still be the hottest and smartest girlfriend in all the land. She thinks something is “hinky” here, and I agree. Tell Hope to go find her organ meat elsewhere. But she meant the case or whatever. Maura insists on bringing up Lt. Col. Beard Force and his impending spinal surgery. I know you’re trying to be supportive of your girlfriend’s coming out process, but no need to encourage additional contact with her beard, sweetie.

Maura gets wind of Hope’s attempts to win over Mama R in her Kidney Quest 2012. Maura can’t believe Mama R would sell her out like that, and naturally asks her girlfriend to deal with the whole situation for her. Jane says, “No way, she’s your relative.” And Maura says, “Nuh-uh, that bitch rejected me.” And Jane says, “But then she remembered she has a real daughter who needs a kidney and you have two kidneys. Like, OMG, perfect.” Jane then says she should do the Maura thing and call her bio-mom and tell her to make an appointment like every other citizen of the commonwealth of Massachusetts has to do to meet with its chief medical examiner. Maura runs off to call, leaving Jane with evidence from the murder and even she has to acknowledge that pretending we actually care about the cases is pretty futile at this point. Also, how dare Maura run off and leave her all lonely and gloved up like this. Ahem.

Instead of listening to Maura’s request to make an appointment and complying, like a respectful person, Hope is all rude and stalking Maura in the waiting room instead. Maura instinctively shields her kidneys, and wishes Jane was there to shoot Hope through herself. p.s. That scar healed up nicely, didn’t it? Hope tries to butter Maura up, talking about the “strange kinship” she felt with her when they met. Maura’s like, “Yeah, and you also called me the biggest mistake of your life, jerkface.” Hope says she “reacted badly.” And Maura says, “You accused me of lying, and Jane knows I never do that because of the hives.” Hope says she knows she doesn’t have the right to ask for Maura’s kidney, but does anyway. And Maura says, no you don’t – there’s the door. And then Maura cries. Dammit Jane, your good girlfriend alarm is off. The minute that first tear dropped you should have been up there with Kleenex and back rubs.

Back on the case that even the characters can’t be bothered with, the team starts to piece together that maybe the dead guy became dead because he was the maintenance man at a new development and was complaining about its shoddy workmanship and materials. Frost offers to go over and check it out with the power of his cellphone camera. Just then Frankie walks in asking Jane to give Tommy and the baby a ride home. Frost says he’ll do it because he’s a good boyfriend like that.

Jane finally gets a text that Maura needs her shoulder to cry on. She comes up to see Maura imitating one of her cadavers and “looking for the oblivion of sleep” with a throw pillow over her face. Jane, who has been well trained because of all those late nights getting frisky on the couch, removes the pillow from Maura’s face so she doesn’t get lip gloss all over it.

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