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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.15): Bringing down the big gay house

We open with, big surprise, the last requisite murder of the season. At first, we think it’s a standard scene of domestic intranquility. But wait, it’s a play within a crime drama within a lesbian show. That prop gun was loaded with real bullets. And good thing it was because now we have a reason to visit with our favorite medical examiner and homicide detective.

Back at the Isles Estate, Det. Jane Rizzoli is there because Det. Jane Rizzoli is always at Dr. Maura Isles’ house. This time they’re playing with what appears to be bones and wires. Kinky. But then even kinkier Maura shows off her new “Al Fresco Lunch Tray Pants” to Jane. They have a Velcro apron that turns into, well, a lunch tray. Jane will definitely be dining in tonight. She’ll start by bobbing for apples. As tempted by the not-so forbidden fruit as Jane is, she knows something more is afoot. Noticing Maura’s UPS boxes, she calls out her nervous tell. Yep, Maura’s stressed because her bio-mom Hope keeps asking her for a kidney. Jane tells Maura to stand her ground and keep all of her vital organs inside her body where they belong. You can see why Jane would get protective of all Maura’s parts. They are very nice parts.

Just them Tommy walks in. The dimmest Rizzoli looks over at the bones and wires and smartly says, “Ew, you do that in the kitchen?” I know, Tommy, I’m normally against hanky panky in areas of food preparation for sanitary purposes. But hot it hot. Then murder calls, and Jane complains because she wanted to “go to bed” early. Of course you did, honey. Our ladies answer in their signature, “Rizzoli” and “Isles” style and Tommy says that is so cool. And then that Jane is “so lucky” to be able to solve murders with Maura. I take it back, he’s not the dimmest — he’s the truthiest. At the crime scene, Maura notices a city council member (his wife is directing a community theater play with the most overly detailed set in the history of community theater), and immediately wants to complain about the potholes on her street. Jane grabs her girlfriend and acts as the voice of reason. Murder then civic complaints — priorities, dear. By the way, Jane has busted out the Ponytail of Righteous Justice just for us because it’ll be a long break until summer and it’s also raining or something. I love the rain.

Jane looks over the dead community theater actor’s body and says she’d be in shock too if she fired a pretend gun and killed her co-star. Note to Rizzoli & Isles Producers: Never have Angie Harmon fire a pretend gun at Sasha Alexander. Ever. We can never be too careful. Back in the autopsy room, Maura is holding a human heart when she hears Jane using her laptop. She rushes over so they can read the latest Rizzles fanfic together. After giggling over a few particularly steamy ones, Maura returns to slice up the heart just as Jane starts whining about Lt. Col. Beard Force. Symbolism much? Maura also discovers the dead guy’s heart is riddled with ball bearings. She notes some of them are irregular and then goes off on a fun fact tangent about how this will cause radial friction and won’t support radial and axial loads. But Jane has wandered off, and Maura frowns. Guess they won’t be reenacting that one fic tonight after all.

In the cafĂ©, Tommy is being the dimmest and truthiest Rizzoli some more. But all we see is adorable Baby Rizzoli in his cow knit cap. Before we all expire from the adorableness, Dr. Hope Martin comes in and we all go, damn, that’s good castings again. Maura’s bio mom tries to get Mama Rizzoli to side with her in her never-ending kidney quest. Blah blah, things are hard blah blah blah I need that kidney blah blah blah. I’ve decided I dislike this character, great casting be damned.

Mama R cuts through the sob story and says, “I know this isn’t my business, but Maura, Maura is my business.” Yep, your daughter-in-law is most definitely your business. She touches her heart, because that’s how protective she is of Jane and Maura’s love. But then she’s weakened by the Baby Rizzoli cuteness herself and tells Hope it’s OK for her to demand Maura’s kidney to save her “real” daughter. See, babies ruin everything. Jane and Maura are working on the murder, if they must, and Jane wants to know if you can scan for depression. It’s OK, Jane, even with only one kidney Maura will still be the hottest and smartest girlfriend in all the land. She thinks something is “hinky” here, and I agree. Tell Hope to go find her organ meat elsewhere. But she meant the case or whatever. Maura insists on bringing up Lt. Col. Beard Force and his impending spinal surgery. I know you’re trying to be supportive of your girlfriend’s coming out process, but no need to encourage additional contact with her beard, sweetie.

Maura gets wind of Hope’s attempts to win over Mama R in her Kidney Quest 2012. Maura can’t believe Mama R would sell her out like that, and naturally asks her girlfriend to deal with the whole situation for her. Jane says, “No way, she’s your relative.” And Maura says, “Nuh-uh, that bitch rejected me.” And Jane says, “But then she remembered she has a real daughter who needs a kidney and you have two kidneys. Like, OMG, perfect.” Jane then says she should do the Maura thing and call her bio-mom and tell her to make an appointment like every other citizen of the commonwealth of Massachusetts has to do to meet with its chief medical examiner. Maura runs off to call, leaving Jane with evidence from the murder and even she has to acknowledge that pretending we actually care about the cases is pretty futile at this point. Also, how dare Maura run off and leave her all lonely and gloved up like this. Ahem. Instead of listening to Maura’s request to make an appointment and complying, like a respectful person, Hope is all rude and stalking Maura in the waiting room instead. Maura instinctively shields her kidneys, and wishes Jane was there to shoot Hope through herself. p.s. That scar healed up nicely, didn’t it? Hope tries to butter Maura up, talking about the “strange kinship” she felt with her when they met. Maura’s like, “Yeah, and you also called me the biggest mistake of your life, jerkface.” Hope says she “reacted badly.” And Maura says, “You accused me of lying, and Jane knows I never do that because of the hives.” Hope says she knows she doesn’t have the right to ask for Maura’s kidney, but does anyway. And Maura says, no you don’t — there’s the door. And then Maura cries. Dammit Jane, your good girlfriend alarm is off. The minute that first tear dropped you should have been up there with Kleenex and back rubs. Back on the case that even the characters can’t be bothered with, the team starts to piece together that maybe the dead guy became dead because he was the maintenance man at a new development and was complaining about its shoddy workmanship and materials. Frost offers to go over and check it out with the power of his cellphone camera. Just then Frankie walks in asking Jane to give Tommy and the baby a ride home. Frost says he’ll do it because he’s a good boyfriend like that.

Jane finally gets a text that Maura needs her shoulder to cry on. She comes up to see Maura imitating one of her cadavers and “looking for the oblivion of sleep” with a throw pillow over her face. Jane, who has been well trained because of all those late nights getting frisky on the couch, removes the pillow from Maura’s face so she doesn’t get lip gloss all over it.

Maura tells Jane she made like The Real World and stopped being polite and just got real with how hurt she was with Hope. Jane reassures her girlfriend that she doesn’t always have to be nice (except to her) and that she’s proud of her. A little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching and eye sex drive home the point. To distract her girlfriend from her anguish, Jane gets her talking about fun topics like ball bearings. And then Jane distracts her further by saying she strapped a pair of balls on herself. Well, look, whatever you two ladies are into is fine by me. Just be safe and remember to wash your toys after each use.

Maura convinces Jane to go talk to her beard. I guess if he dies in surgery she’ll feel guilty and that’s bad for your sex life. So, OK, I get her thinking. Jane says, “I don’t know why I’m doing this?!” And we all yell, “Come out of the closet, it’s so much easier!” She goes over to Lt. Col. Beard Force’s place, and he is in his Army fatigues because apparently the producers are afraid we’ll forget he’s a war veteran or something. Beard Force says he’s going through with the surgery because he can’t live without being able to feel Jane and give her children. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Someone is severely confused about the proper role and responsibilities of a beard. Also, way to denigrate the relationships of all paraplegics there buddy. They’re not worthy or something?

Back at the crumbling building, Frost is taking pictures when the developer confronts him. Then concrete starts raining down onto them in the parking garage. It flattens Frost’s car. It flattens Frost. It flattens Tommy. We don’t care about the developer guy, but I’m guessing it flattens him too. Jane gets the call and runs out. Beard Force wants to come but she’s like, “Dude, you’ll slow me down.” Whoops. Looks like everyone’s practicing brutal honesty these days. Jane runs screaming to Maura, forever each others’ rocks. And we all scream, “Kiss her you fool!” at our screens. Again. Frost, Tommy and the baby are trapped inside under rubble. Jane and Frankie are frantic to get in, but kept back. Maura tells he it was recycled concrete that caused the collapse. Bodies, blood. It’s a bad scene. In walks Hope, offering her help during the medical emergency. Drama drama drama. It was the councilman from the beginning who underbid the project and used a company in his wife’s name to avoid conflict of interest. Wow, Boston has the worst background checkers in city government ever. They also killed the maintenance guy to keep him quiet. Whew, another case solved that no one really cared about.

Korsak tells Jane about underground tunnels beneath the building. So what does she do? Goes into them. Without a hard hat. And with Maura. Also without a hard hat. Yeah, so, not the smartest move, ladies. But at least you’ll get crushed together in each other’s arms.

In the rubble, Frost and Tommy are talking about girls, naturally. Tommy asks if Frost has a girlfriend, and then asks if he’s gay when he doesn’t. Yep, even the dimmest Rizzoli can tell Frost and Frankie are an item. Frost tries to cover, saying he isn’t and had a big thing for Jane. Well, if you can’t openly be with the brother, pretend to like the sister. Tommy says he had a thing for Maura, but knew better than to try anything on his sister’s girl.

Back in the tunnels, the hard hatless duo finds Frost and Tommy using a heat sensor. Then the fire crew comes in and, for some insanely unsafe reason, allows Jane and Maura to watch as they cut through the concrete and sparks fly — STILL WITHOUT HARD HATS. Is avoiding hat head really more important than any sense of storytelling credibility? Baby Rizzoli, Frost and Tommy get pulled out alive and a little worse for wear. Frost has a busted arm. Tommy has a head injury. So, here’s another good idea, let him hold the fragile baby right away! Seriously. Maura sees the Rizzoli clan together and tells Hope she’ll give her daughter her kidney. But she doesn’t want her to ever know. And then the two hug because Emily Post doesn’t have a section on what to give the person who gives you an organ. Maura walks over to Jane, placing her hand on her shoulder. They have a moment of intense relief and overjoyed eye sex. And then smile and laugh. Which means even though there are six long months until we get to see them again, we know they’ll be bickering and eye sexing and TGTGTing all that time like the old married couple they are. See you in the summer. And now, your final #gayzzoli tweets of the season.

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