“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.14): My roommate and I only play softball together, and other white lies
Obligatory murder montage: cheerleaders, carwash, bros, stabs, suds, blood. Good, now that that is over with, Det. Jane Rizzoli is in softball gear and lesbian everywhere sigh and smile. She is headed out for practice with Frost and Frankie when they run into Frost’s mom in the lobby. Make that Frost’s mom and her adult female roommate and her son. Yeah, her “roommate.” Set Lesbian Spidey Sense to full tingle. Before the whole “roommate” situation can be addressed, something even gayer happens. Dr. Maura Isles and her medical examiner crew spill out of the elevator in flouncy cut-off lab coat softball uniforms with cinched waists. I should put “softball uniforms” in quotes like I did “roommate” because, please, we’re not blind.
Jane notices the tag still dangling off of Maura’s obviously brand-new glove and shakes her head at her inability to instill even the most basic of lesbian sporting principles in her girlfriend. All those hours of talking about how to properly oil and break in a good glove and she brings that stiff monstrosity out.
Jane tries basic evasive maneuvers, all, “But the season’s almost over, better luck next year.” Maura is not deterred. She knows when Jane is trying to dodge her, because girlfriends have a sixth sense for any such deceptions. Also for when Jane forgets to take out the garbage. Maura asks if Jane is really going to prejudge all her scientific colleagues’ softball skills. As Frost and Frankie (aw, Frostie forever) do bad cough talking (“Don’t.” Cough. “Let.” Cough. “The Nerds.” Cough. “Play.”), Jane is stuck between her lesbros and a hard-eyed girlfriend when, ring ring, murder saves the day. But just when Jane thinks she’s off the hook Maura shoots back at her, “We’re not done here.”
Our car wash murder victim was a famous former Boston Cambridge University running back. Maura, of course, knows him as a famous “dessertier.” He had a successful cake business in Boston. But enough about dumb murder business and back to softball. Maura pesters Jane, asking is she can play if she practices her swing “in that cagey thing.” Jane cringes the cringe of a million sporty dykes and corrects her, “It’s called a batting cage, please, have I taught you nothing in all of our time together?”
Before full-blown processing over sports feelings can occur, Jane spots Lt. Col. Beard Force in the lobby. Look, buddy, a grateful nation thanks you for your service, but stop showing up around Jane. The good news is, he isn’t there to see Jane, but Korsak. Jane gives her girlfriend the, “Let me clear up this awkward encounter with my beard and then we’ll snuggle” look, and awkward encounter ensues.
Afterward, Jane blathers on about her FEELINGS to Maura, because that’s what lesbians do. Maura notes she has been blathering on for 31 minutes, because withholding processing is apparently one of the ways she punishes her girlfriend when she’s miffed about not being able to play softball together. Maura says she put her pride on the line and begged to be included, but Jane and her cool kids took their ball and ran. She asks Jane for some emotional honesty, because even when miffed we can’t resist a little processing. And then thanks Jane for admitting she doesn’t want her to play because she’s too competitive and thinks they stink.
Jane promises to think about “the softball thing” for Maura, but then gives it a beat and says, “Sorry, the answer is still no.” And someone is getting more than just processing withheld tonight, methinks. Say hello to the couch, Jane.
Back in the PFLAG Café, Mama Rizzoli meets Mama Frost and bonding ensues. They discuss their kids, gayness, getting legally married in the commonwealth of Massachusetts and a sincere hope that DOMA will be overturned soon. Mama Frost says she is nervous about telling Frost she’s getting remarried. Oh, honey, just hand him a copy of Heather Has Two Mommies with “Heather” scratched out and “Barry” written in. Problem solved.
Back on the actual murder (I know, I forget about it all the time, too), Jane is about to go to the cake dude’s shop to “give Maura a cheap thrill” and test frosting on cake knives (Note: it’s going to take an entirely different kind of thrill, and not the cheap kind, to make Maura forgive you, detective), when Frankie notions her over. Being the brother of a Grade-A Homosexual Lady, his gaydar tells him Mama Frost and her “roommate” are a couple. Jane is all, “Whaaaaat? Other lesbians are trying to steal Maura and my thunder? We’re the resident lesbian couple on this show.” Speaking of gay, one of the so-called suspects for a half second majored in “gender studies.” Because the softball references weren’t gay enough this episode.Jane immediately begins to investigate these Other Lesbians and asks Frost a bunch of questions. How did they meet? How long have they been “roommates?” Isn’t it nice they can share “expenses” like that? Maura keeps asking me to share “expenses” and just move in already but I just can’t give the old bachelor pad up yet, ya know? Frankie interrupts the interrogation because it’s time to play softball again. Frost asks if his mom and Robin can come because, you know, it’s softball and they’re gay ladies. Jane is like, get a clue, man. On their way out they’re confronted again by the least butch ballers ever. Maura and the Science Geeks want to play and they won’t take no for an answer. For once the jocks will bend to the nerds will. Frankie says they don’t have enough players and Mama Frost chimes in, “We’d be happy to play on Maura’s team.” It’s always helpful when people state their shipping allegiance. Team Maura all the way, ladies. Not even characters on the show are Team Casey.
p.s. Did anyone else notice Frost’s mom’s thumbring? Nothing gay about that.
Softball scrimmage over, the victors buy the losers beers. So Maura hands Jane, Frost and Frankie a few big frosty mug. Seems those two “old ladies” were ringers. Gee, “roommates” and good at softball? I am shocked, shocked I say! Jane notices their matching rings and kicks Frankie all, “And they’ve getting married before Maura and me? Thunder stealers, that’s what they are!” Maura notices Jane’s erratic behavior and shows concern, because now that she has won she’s no longer mad at her girlfriend. So does Frost, who promptly raises his glass and toasts his mom and “her partner Robin” for teaching him “the meaning of love and commitment.” Awwww. To quote Phoebe Buffay, that is brand new information! Mama Frost is all, but how could you know? All adult women who are roommates share the same bedroom and play softball. Maura and Jane exchange quickie eye sex over the communal glow of this familial coming out scene. Frost congratulates Robin on making an honest woman out of his mom and it’s so cute. Maura gets excited about wearing a new dress to the wedding and Jane’s all, I know we’re all “family” here, but we haven’t been invited yet gaymo!
Back at Jane’s place, Lt. Col Beard Force is waiting for her and apologizes and Jane invites him up and the only thing you really need to know is that she changes T-shirts while waiting for him and very politely pauses long enough for a clear screencap. So considerate to overworked recappers everywhere. Blah blah. Casey is getting experimental surgery. Manhood. Pride. Seeing other people. Bye Lt. Col Beard Force. Good luck with your surgery and all. But don’t hurry back. You know, for your own health.
Jane is sorting out mismatched socks a little sad, because it’s always tough to let a good beard go. And who should knock on her door in the dead of the night but Maura. She reassures Jane that a sock monster isn’t eating all her mismatched pairs. Jane throws them out anyway because they don’t have partners and are making her sad. Not everyone can be so lucky and have what you and Maura have, sweetie. Like the ability to spot nearly imperceptible hives caused by white lies on your girlfriend. Back on the case (in unison: What case?), Jane notices similarities in plays where players (the cake dude and a current player) are injured. Maura is all adorable and non-sporty like, “What’s a right guard?” and “Why is it called football if they throw it with their hands?” and “Why are their pants so tight?” She is perplexed she can’t figure out what they see and Jane is thrilled that for once she gets to explain something to her brainiac girlfriend. Someone was throwing the games to fix the over-under for gambling. Oh, motive, you’re almost as predictable as Frost’s mom’s “roommate” being her LLBFF.
It was the athletic director, and the cake dude’s so-called bro friend who was shaving the points and killed him. Another obligatory murder solved. How many people were surprised? You? You? Me and Jane didn’t think so.
Now, on to the good stuff. Jane walks to her apartment and instead of that dumb beard, she’s got someone really important waiting on her stoop. Maura is there, with her haute couture on Jane’s dirty doorstep. That’s love. Then she comforts Jane, because it’s hard when your super femme girlfriend beats you at sports. Or, at least, that’s how I interpreted it. And now, softball and roommates and departing beards, oh my! You #gayzzoli tweets of the week.
Um, Frost’s Mom’s “roommate”?! The #Gayzzoli is contagious!– Ashlee (@mustlovehorror) December 19, 2012
Even their softball uniforms are butch and femme. Sexy either way though. #gayzzoli– emmy k. (@theycallme_ek) December 19, 2012
Maura is clearly as bored with this Casey storyline as we are. #TeamMaura #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles– Tabatha (@DanceUponMyToes) December 19, 2012
I think Frost will be okay about his Mom. I mean, he clearly was fine when he found out about Jane and Maura. #gayzzoli– BellaNeufang (@bellaneufangz) December 19, 2012
“We’d be happy to play for Maura’s team”- said every lesbian ever. #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles– Caitlin McCullough (@CaityLove) December 19, 2012
I think the extra #gayzzoli is the producers way of apologizing for putting Casey in the episode– Ashlee Joseph (@DirtyDan1206) December 19, 2012
Don’t worry @mauraisles I think @janerizzoli will let you make it farther than first base later. #RizzoliandIsles #gayzzoli– Jenna – Crackinois (@TtownAmstaff) December 19, 2012
Who knew Jane still had her own apartment? #havenotseenitallseason #gayzzoli– Remy Ridge (@RemyRidge) December 19, 2012
Here, lesbians, here’s some bra/boobs! DON’T NOTICE THIS STRAIGHT BIT HERE! Remember those boobs?GOOD!Episode over now!!! #gayzzoli– Bronzey (@thebronzey) December 19, 2012
Wait, rizzoli and isles is about murder? I thought it was a romcom about about a quirky blonde and bossy brunette. It’s not? #gayzzoli– Kaaate (@flamousinohio) December 19, 2012
