“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.13): Will you be my Viking warlord mistress?

Red Herring No. 2 is the victim’s wife, she thinks he was having an affair, which he was – with videogames. They find his secret bachelor pad where he geeked out and played a Viking MMORPG all day and night. Frost is all, dude had skills and Korsak is all, get a real hobby.

Back at Maura’s place, because we’ve dropped all pretense that these two don’t live together, the ladies come in with a pizza and more bickering. And in a sign of true domestic tranquility, they’ve halved the pizza toppings. Pepperoni for Jane. Mushroom for Maura. They bicker some more about getting pepperoni on their mushrooms and mushrooms on their pepperoni. I swear, real couples aren’t even this cute.

Their pizza night is interrupted by laughing from the courtyard. Mama R is getting some tonight. It’s Det. Lightening and he’s telling some joke about how non-manly having a lavender VW bug is. Har har. We could not hate him more. Jane and Maura pull a Scooby Gang with their heads around the door in disgust.

Jane asks Maura if she approved of such behavior and Maura jokes back that she insisted they both have one foot on the floor if heavy petting was involved. Jane fake laughs and then gives her girlfriend the dagger eyes. She next turns them on her mom who she asks to talk with. Maura makes like a sink and runs off with a slice of mushroom pie. She makes an excuse about having to charge her electric toothbrush. Oh, so that’s what the gay ladies are calling it these days? Well, you charge that “electric toothbrush” up real good, Maura. You’ll want it all ready because Jane will have a lot of, um, frustration to work off later.

Jane gives her mom the “it’s beneath you” talk about trying to hurt Cavanaugh and dating that drip. Mama R is so proud she give her Janey a gives her a big hug for the valuable life lesson learned. The next day at the café Mama R dials back the flirting, Maura tells Jane it’s a good sign that she’s not drawing attention to her mouth in an obvious sign of flirtation. Then she takes a big sip of her drink. In front of Jane. Drawing attention to her mouth.

Cavanaugh comes in and he and Lightening compare, uh, spear sizes. And I think Lightening calls Mama Rizzoli a “high-end Italian ride.” Ew. A million ews. Maura calls their gratuitous male display of preening “crotch blocking” and we all love her even more because, you know, she’s such a dork.  

In Subplot B, the teenage rejects bring back the wallet and Little Maura comes clean about stealing it. She needed the money to buy a textbook and didn’t want anyone to know she lived in a shelter. Now, haven’t we all learned another valuable life lesson about assumptions and perceptions. Good, let’s move on.

In Maura’s office, the Runes scholar has arrived and he’s roughly the age and stature of Olaf the Boneless. Jane is all, why’d you bring Father Time and his outdated floppy disk jokes. Maura starts to explain what the professor is explaining and Jane begs her, “Please, one nerd at a time.”

They discover Olaf was having and affair and then Susie Blocker comes in and Jane has never been so happy to see someone interrupt her with Maura. But before she can run off, Father Time implores her to sit and have tea. He’s nowhere near done translating the love letters. Maura smiles and blinks at her like, “This is payback for that nerd comment, honey.”

Frost and Korsak track down the woman in the MMORPG Olaf was having an affair with. Turns out it’s an older lady, and the affair was never IRL. Yeah yeah, we get it, gamer nerds are silly for thinking an old lady is hot. Things take a turn for the decidedly less funny because said old lady gamer gets stabbed IRL by the jealous woman in Olaf’s life.

Jane comes in as Maura is examining the poor old lady’s body. She found a hair from the killer and begins to tell Jane about a new mass spectrometer technique for examining it. Jane tells her, “Faster, please” and we all forget about science for a few, blissful seconds. Yadda yadda yadda. The killer ate fermented whale and sheep’s head cheese from Scandinavia. Or just really, really liked shopping at IKEA. Jane’s face gets all scrunchy because who would want to assemble that much furniture with that damn L-shaped tool?

Pages: 1 2 3 4

Tags: ,