“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.13): Will you be my Viking warlord mistress?

In the office Frost and Korsak meet their new, mandatory mentees. One of them picks up Frost’s action figure, and teases him about his “doll.” No one touches Frost’s action without his permission, son. No one.

The sole girl of the group wants to watch an autopsy, and can you blame her? I’d want to be as close to Dr. Maura Isles as I could, too. The other rejects chime in saying they want to see an autopsy too. Jane gives them a smug smile and says, “Bet you wish you picked the chick detective now.” We all do, Jane, we all do.

In the autopsy room, Jane signals for Maura to cover up the dead guy’s junk. She doesn’t want to be accused of being the cause of the girl’s root. But as far as roots go, seeing a dead guy full monty might do it. Jane won’t let Little Maura watch Big Maura make the Y-incision, but they can examine the body. While doing so, they find a mental object inside his body. It’s a Nordic spear tip, or “crockpot” as Jane calls it. Maura smiles at her special detective lady friend the smile of a woman who loves everything down to the intentional mispronunciations of her girlfriend.

In the midst of discussing this week’s Red Herring No. 1 (Viking babe logos, biker clubs, Skullcrushers), a big red blinking alarm goes off. Oh, man, I hope it’s another Code Red and Jane and Maura have to get naked and shower together again. Please, please, please. Alas, it’s just a fire alarm and a false one at that. But Maura is taking no chances because her arms are full with the ceremonial masks from her office. She frets about leaving behind one of her masks and Jane is like, no – I told you we’d never role play with those so you should have left them all to burn.

One fake crisis over, another real crisis begins. Mama Rizzoli runs out and says her wallet has been stolen. It must have been those no-good kids. Never mind the dead speared dude, this is a case for Boston Homicide’s finest. Maura says she’s going to put her masks away to help, and Jane says she should put them in a safe. Unfamiliar, as always, as she is with sarcasm, Maura panics because she doesn’t have a safe. And Jane snaps that, ‘I told you for the last time, I want those masks to get stolen because we’re never role playing with them.” Or that’s what I heard. Mama R can’t help but laugh. She loves those Adorable Bickersons as much as we do.

While investigating Red Herring No. 1, Jane and Frost head into a biker bar. They meet Skullcrusher himself, who looks like Santa’s wayward little brother. He asks Jane if she rides bitch. Jane gives him a look. She rides a lady, but she’d never call her a bitch. Ahem.

Maura is puzzling over Viking runes and shares her findings with Jane. Something about Olaf the Boneless, which Jane thinks sounds like a lovely winter soup. Maura starts to prattle on about ancient Nordic lore and Jane’s eyes roll into the back of her head. I know she said earlier she’d never call Maura a bitch, but she certainly likes to bitch about her “fun facts.” But she likes to bitch even more about the discovery of seminal fluid and vaginal secretions at the crime scene. Jane calls it “the grossest trace evidence ever” and promises to say six Melissa Etheridges and 12 Ellen DeGenereses tonight to cleanse her soul of the impure heterosexual thoughts.

Before leaving she starts searching around for a “swabby thing” to bring with her to an interview. Maura is all, speak in specifics and Jane is all, I listen to your crock pots all day. It’s pretty much why I watch this show. Murder smurder, it’s all about the bicker.

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