“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.10): Look what the Big Gay Stork brought


Jane gets called away again because of Lydia, who is being crazy per usual and giving birth in the precinct lobby now. Jane tries to conduct business as Lydia wails in the background. Riley walks up to tell her tox results are in, but she couldn’t get the results because they don’t know her and are fiercely loyal to Jane and Maura’s relationship. So Jane takes Riley to meet Senior Criminalist Chang. Ooog, Susie and Riley sitting in a tree. We have boarded a new ship, folks. Grab a life vest and follow me.

The tox results show that the victim had a sedative in her system, the same sedative the Zombie Boner used to flatline himself. And then Jane’s lesbian Spidey senses go into overdrive. She grabs the hand sculpture he gave Maura and smashes it, only to find a real hand inside. Wait, so Maura can immediately smell decomposition in an enormous statue, but not in the small sculpture on her desk for months? Jane has no time for such quandaries as her panicked Lassie instincts kick in because, people, MAURA IS IN TROUBLE.

The team busts into the Zombie Boner’s apartment, guns and Ponytail of Righteous Justice blazing. He grabs Maura by knifepoint and drags her around talking about his superior intellect and how he was going to make her his masterpiece. He says he left his victims in all the places he wanted to go with his “mommy.” Ew, really? I hate it when grown men say “mommy.” He picked Maura because her “healing hands” brought him back, etc. etc. Can we just kill this dude and get to the jammie snuggle time?

Luckily, he does it himself when he pushes Maura away into Jane’ arms and falls backwards down the open elevator shaft. So, um, were we supposed to feel sorry for him or something what because his mommy didn’t love him enough? Because, if so, mission not accomplished. Not only did he go out with Maura, which is pretty much a federal offense, he was – you know – a crazy misogynistic serial killer. Maura is distraught that she didn’t know, but Jane comforts her because she’s a good girlfriend and they hug and hold hands and hug some more.

Finally, it’s jammies snuggle time. Maura’s on her couch trying to “process the worst day of my life.” Yes, of course, more processing. Jane brings her a yummy sandwich and yummier upper thigh massages.

Mama R wants to know why they can’t do something else, involving less serial killers, for a living. She has to keep her girls safe. Jane says she wanted to be a ballerina – and then a goalie in the NHL. Everyone laughs because lesbian much? And then the doorbell rings. Mama R thinks it’s her yarn. Nope, it’s a present from the Big Gay Stork instead. Lydia has left her baby on their doorstep. Looks like Gayby Rizzoli has two mommies.

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