“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.10): Look what the Big Gay Stork brought


Jane runs to immediately process this with Maura, who is busy word processing on her laptop. (Um, is that a plaid laptop cover? Gay.) Jane snaps the cover because she “hates to be ignored,” especially by her girlfriend. She then makes fun of Maura’s obsession with Zombie Boner not calling her for three months in her Sassy Teenage Jane voice. Maura says her internal monologues have never sounded like that – her inner monologue sounds more like Stephen Hawking.

Maura drags Jane to the Zombie Boner’s book signing against her will – but that goes without saying. Jane protests, because of course, and then says she isn’t about to spend her precious time on Dennis “I Love Myself” Rockman. She goes off into another internal monologue, this time as him as a Flinstones character. The amount Jane hates Dennis is the amount I love Jane. So, you know, a lot.

As if that weren’t enough of a tip-off of Jane’s lack of affection for the Zombie Boner, she says flat-out at the books signing, “I don’t like him… I don’t like his hair. Or his teeth.” Or the fact that he likes you. Or the fact that you went out with him. Or the fact that we’re not an out couple at work. Or the fact you won’t let me use the handcuffs in bed. This earns a TGTGT pinch from Maura, because you always hurt the ones you love.

The Zombie Boner comes up to them after his reading and tries to hug Jane. Careful there, slick, you could lose a hand that way. He asks Maura to coffee, but Jane declines for her saying they need to get back to the case and pulls her away. Well done, Captain Zombie Boner Blocker. But she had good reason to leave, another dead woman statue has been found. This one is on a carousel (not merry-go-round, people). Jane sees it and gets a chill. It reminds her of Hoyt. Oh yeah, remember him? Wasn’t it badass how Jane killed him while protecting Maura in the last Rizzoli & Isles summer finale?

The killer has struck again, so Jane goes out to canvas. Maura is all, “It’s 9 o’clock, time to go home, get in our jammies and snuggle.” But jammies snuggle time will have to wait for justice to prevail. As she leaves, Maura asks if Jane has noticed how she hasn’t mentioned the Zombie Boner. Jane gives her a wink and says, “Yes, you did.” Maura is trying to set some world record on how jealous/annoyed she can make her girlfriend with this beard business.

Frost and Jane are canvassing without much luck. Luckily Vanilla has called her boo Rondo, who comes running with helpful information about the new victim, whose street name was Rainbow. Then he calls over a friend, Kitty, who appears to be a trans working gal in some kicky knee-high boots. She tells them one of Rainbow’s regulars was named Bear. Rainbow? Bear? Has the entire writer’s room taken a field trip to the Folsom Street Fair?

At the Isles Estate later that night, Mama R is busy knitting a baby blanket for her future grandchild or pseudo-stepchild. There’s a ring at the door and Maura answers to find the Zombie Boner. He arrives with another orchid, seeking forgiveness, talking about how he resurrected his penis and thanking her for giving him a second chance at life. You know, normal second date stuff. He spouts some mumbo jumbo about true love and all of a sudden Swoony Teenage Maura shows up. Come on, she’s a doctor not Bella Swan.

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