“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.10): Look what the Big Gay Stork brought


At the bleeding statue crime scene, Jane and Maura are processing Frankie’s disappointment. Oh, lesbians. Maura is worried Frankie is setting himself up for a life of misery. And she is worried that Mama Rizzoli is knitting a baby blanket made out of a 50-50 cotton and acrylic blend. Jane immediately puts a fake BOLO out for Mama R, because there’s nothing more dangerous than a wannabe grandma armed with knitting needles and a 50-50 blend.

As they approach the statue, Maura exclaims a loud, “Oh!” Jane gives her a concerned look up and down and asks if she pulled something. See, she’s thinking about their marathon morning sex session too. But no, it’s just the Bloodhound Maura can just smell the decomp through the bronze exterior. Jane says the statue looks like the Venus de Milo, which causes Maura to whip around in surprise. Really, Maura? Can’t everyone identify the Venus de Milo on sight? Jane tells her shocked girlfriend that she’s been to the Louvre. Sheesh, Maura, how could you forget your romantic Paris getaway with Jane?

The sculpture falls open and sure enough there’s a dead lady inside. Maura declares it very cool and now it’s Jane’s turned to be shocked by her girlfriend. No, honey, it’s Dr. Maura Isles – she meant that quite literally. The body is cold and displaying signs of delayed decomposition. And then she goes into a riff about the difference between 32 and 33 degrees and Jane’s eyes do this.

Back at the Division One Café, Frankie is getting coffee and sympathy from Mama R who dutifully calls Riley a “bitch.” Maura wants Frankie to work on overcoming his feelings of disappointment. Jane wants him to “strap ’em on” and take it like a cop. Frankie and Mama R look at Jane incredulously and both say, “Hey, what you do with Maura in private is your business.”

Much to lesbians’ disappointment everywhere before Jane can go into more explicit detail in walks Dennis. You know, Zombie Boner Dude. He never called Maura back and then disappeared for three months. Which not only makes him a zombie boner, but also a complete bonehead because who wouldn’t want to go out again with Dr. Maura Isles? He walks up showing off his new self-help book, “Release You Inner Winner & WIN.” Wow. That’s some real “War & Peace”-level literature right there. He invites Maura to his book signing, but she declines under Jane’s watchful eye. But then as they leave, Jane complains about how Maura clearly likes “that idiot.” Disapproving of your girlfriend’s beard boyfriend? You’re doing it right.

Jane continues to grouse about Zombie Boner and his fastidious grooming habits. She tells Maura to, “let that jerk go.” After they figure out they’ve got a serial killer who is murdering prostitutes and encasing them in plaster, Jane sends the new girl to go canvas the area to find out who their victim is. Frost thinks Riley should be stuck at her desk instead, but Jane’s all about helping “family.” After she leaves, Lt. Cavanaugh tells Jane that Riley has almost as much potential as her. But he also tells Jane he’ll never see another one with as much potential as Jane Rizzoli.

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