“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.08): Let’s go to bed

Jane is dragging Maura to bed. Wait, stop. Let me rephrase that. Jane is dragging Maura into helping her in bed. Wait, let me rephrase that again. Jane is dragging her new bed into her apartment and begging Maura to help her. Damn. No matter how I say that it just sounds so gay.

Maybe that is because it is so gay. Here is Jane, in her weekend uniform of tank top and sneakers. She’s carrying her wallet in her mouth because she’s a damn butch who of course only carries a wallet. Though, I must say, slightly bad form on not having pockets. You couldn’t get pants with at least one cargo pocket, honey? And then here is Maura, in her weekend uniform of a form-fitting designer skirt-top ensemble with matching open-toed kitten heels. She is carrying a purse because she’s a femme and of course she carries a purse. Though, I must say, slightly bad form on not putting Jane’s wallet in your purse. You couldn’t at least make the cursory offer to carry it like a good girlfriend, sweetie?

Jane implores Maura to help her as she pulls the bedframe box into her living room. Maura whines back, “I’m in my brunch clothes.” Jane snaps that they have to build her bed before she gets dragged to boutiques. So then Maura relents and makes the most adorable little, “But I am the femme. I don’t wanna do physical work. WAH.”-face you have ever seen.

Jane pulls out the instructions which tell her to slide something into a hole in the appropriate size and my mind drifts off to a special place where the bed is already assembled and a sweaty Boston homicide detective and Massachusetts chief medical examiner are sprawled across it. Right, so now your mind is there, too. By all means, take your time and enjoy. I’ll wait.

Waiting impatiently is Jane, who wonders aloud where Frankie and Frost are with her new mattress. Aw, was it a double brunch date? Rizzles and Frostie out on the town together? And they say lesbians and gay men don’t socialize enough. She finds Frostie working together, naturally, but not to carry up her mattress. Instead they’re carrying the couch of Jane’s new next-door-lesbian, er, I mean neighbor. Come on, she’s all tatted up and wearing a vest as a top. And her name is Riley. And she looks suspiciously like Mandy Musgrave’s character Ashley from South of Nowhere. You could see how I would make the mistake.

Jane definitely notices, and gets jealous when Maura compliments her body art and perhaps smiles a little too much smile at this new girl. Maura even gives the new girl a little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching as she admires her female koi fish tattoo. Mama Rizzoli gets in on the new-girl worship and gives all of Jane’s non-stick cookware away to her. I wonder if this is Mama R’s way of not-so-subtly pushing Jane into making more of a commitment with Maura. Give away all her stuff and they’ll have to move in together, right?

Jane is having none of it, but the fellas are more interesting in becoming best lesbros with the new girl than bringing up her mattress. Just when Jane can take no more her phone rings and it’s murder time. Jane really is having a bad Saturday. Buys a new bed, can’t break it in with her girlfriend. Meets her new neighbor, can’t keep her girlfriend from flirting with her.

At the So In Love Wedding Chapel, our very bloody dead bride is very bloody and dead. Jane is complaining about the place’s tackiness. No doubt when she gets married to Maura it will be a lavish and classy affair with nary a fake flower. But mostly she’s just complaining that her mattress is still on top of her car. And Maura isn’t on it. The victim was a Croatian exchange student. Maura breaks out a little Serbian and every lesbians’ pants fall off. What? It’s true.

All the detectives are like, “Dude, is there anything you can’t do, Dr. Isles?” And she’s like, it’s an easy language, no big deal. Jane tries her hand at it, which sounds so cute you just want to give her a Scooby snack. Frost decides to call Frankie to have him “help” on the case, but mainly it’s because he doesn’t want him to become besties with Riley before he can.

Back at the precinct, the detectives learn the bride had a younger sister, who is now missing. They track them both to a non-profit group called Samaritan Girl which helps young Balkan women come to the United States. Maura calls it an odd name, because the girls aren’t the Samaritans. Jane wonders why her girlfriend is giving grammar lessons instead of doing the autopsy. It’s because the van is stuck in traffic. But also because she wants to be where Jane is and Jane is not in the autopsy room. And then Maura starts talking about “empirical spatial temporal features” of traffic congestion and Jane’s gives her the “I love you, you enormous nerd”-face.

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