Frost and Jane are checking out surveillance footage from around the doctors’ office when they find his last patient. They find his last patient, a lady with a big hat and sunglasses, who thanks to facial recognition software they realize is really Judge Eugene Allen. The same judge who refused to allow them to search the doctors’ client list. Frost and Korsak go to pay him a visit and find him in drag in his chambers.
Two things: 1) He killed Laura Palmer! 2) That is a hideous sweater dress. He tells them the psychologist was helping him be himself and finally be happy. Behind closed doors he is Eugenia. The detectives ask the judge again to sign the search warrant. Frost, being the stand-up guy that he is, calls him Eugenia and then “ma’am” which earns her respect. Transgender characters and a closeted lesbian couple. Now all this show needs is jazz hands to be Glee.
Maura drags Jane to the medical examiners party at the Dirty Robber. Pike is there being Pike and offering Maura a prop knife in the back. Maura tells him she hasn’t reported him to the Bullet and Blast Violation Board, yet. Then she points out more swag. Jane promptly wrist-calls the Swag Unit. It’s exactly the kind of cute, so cute, girlfriends do to each other. And Maura gives her the requisite “I’m annoyed, but could not love you more” face.
Jane’s phone buzzes one more time with a mystery text and now even the least observant TV watcher realizes these “hon” messages are an integral part of the plot. This one told her he was waiting up for her, and Jane says she should hurry home since she’s had her Brazilian. Maura tells her to tell her mom. And Jane says, “Where I wax is my business.” Maura corrects, “And my business.” But really she was talking about Lydia.
Jane walks off and Pike stumbles over to Maura drunk on Long Island iced teas. He mutters something about letting his hair down and then about how Maura is a wildcat with a delicate pink tongue. Finally he confesses he’s in love with her. And also desperate because he invested everything in Particle Vac. And then he wraps her in a big, unwanted drunken hug. The opposite of swag, that’s what he’s got.
Popov tells him to get off Maura, then Pike and him get into drunken dude fisticuffs. Jane walks in all, I leave my woman for one minute and this happens. And Dr. Achey Breaky BlackHat finally breaks up the fight and then offers his help on finding latent fingerprints off the shell casing and latex bit. Because, remember, there’s a case to solve.
Jane and Maura bring Frankie to the Isles Estate to tell him about Lydia. Just then, who should show up but Mama R with a woozy Lydia. All the Rizzoli family members who have not slept with her are aghast. Maura diagnoses her as having gestational diabetes and about to slip into a coma. Wow. So far we’ve got child hating, cross dressing and diabetic comas all in one episode. If a long-lost twin shows up we’re going to have to start calling this a crime soap instead of a crime drama.
The next day, Maura tells Jane she’s calling a family meeting to tell Mama R about Lydia. Jane offers a lame, “It’s not your family,” but we all know it is so be quiet and listen to your wife. Pike walks up back to his normal pomposity and Maura asks if he remembers last night. He doesn’t, and then tells Jane she looks stunning. Look, buddy, that dead doctor lady had a better shot at a three-way than you so back off.