“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.05): Mama said there’d be gays like this

Secure with the knowledge that they have each other, Jane engages in a bunch of reassuring Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching to help an unnerved Maura prepare to meet her maker. In fact, she hasn’t lost contact with Maura the whole time. Sometimes all you need is a light touch, just to know the person you love is there and cares to make all the difference.

Just then Dr. Hope Martin arrives, spouting facts about the bitter birch wood used in coffee stick stirrers and generally making us all go, “Damn, Sasha Alexander and Sharon Lawrence really do look a lot alike.” Jane and Mama R introduce themselves heartily, because it never hurts to make a good first impression on the in-laws. And then a beaming Jane tenderly introduces Maura, her pride and joy. Aw, look at this big happy family.

Maura starts to babble about chemical solutions and Hope asks her if she’s OK. Her neck has broken out into hives. Jane covers for her saying she’s allergic to Brazil nuts. Well, I wouldn’t be all that upset if she was actually allergic to and tried to avoid a certain kind of nuts. Ahem.

Jane and Mama R make themselves scarce so Maura can have mother-“person she doesn’t know is her daughter yet” bonding time. Hope asks Maura is she has her epi pen and Maura points to Jane as she leaves. Aw, Jane is like her Swiss Army knife of life.

In the lab, Hope is showing Maura her solution to help her “speak for the dead.” She says she did her work in part to “punish herself” for getting pregnant with an evil man’s child when she was 18. So that’s not awkward or anything given that child is standing right across from her. Also, for a genius doctor isn’t it a little odd she hasn’t mentioned the fact that she’s basically looking into a mirror?

Someone else without a clue, Giovanni, has just given Mama R a nice thank-you present for getting him politically involved. It is, of course, a red, white and blue glittery peek-a-boo piece of lingerie. Mama R is justifiably horrified and scolds Giovanni for being so aggressive. He says he’s lonely. And he was even taking it easy on her on account of her being old. Oh, Giovanni, never ever change.

In the lab the Maura’s Motherboard (because of the science and computer-like recitation of obscure facts) has cracked the case by getting a usable print. She hugs Maura in a moment of jubilation, which causes Maura’s eye sockets to start leaking. And then strange squeaking sounds to come out of her mouth. Jane covers and says she gets emotional when she breaks a big case. Maura tells Jane she’s never going to tell her she’s her daughter. And Jane makes the panicked face of a woman who has no idea what to do with her hysterically crying girlfriend.

The print leads to the victim’s identity, but what we really care about is that it leads to a cute Frostie moment. Frankie is complaining about Sister Winifred and says she made him run away in the second grade. Frost asks if he plans to take his Thomas the Tank Engine backpack and run away again. Then he asks Jane, “Can I take him?” Geez, you guys. Stop hogging all the subtext.

Sister Winifred is also tormenting Jane, making her thank the Lord before eating her peanut butter and fluff sandwich. Jane obliges, but says she wishes it had more peanut butter and less fluff. Guess she’ll have to tell Maura to go easy on the marshmallow next time she packs her lunch.

The case leads them to dig up an old case of the victim’s best friend’s murder. The body was found in an old lady’s basement. Maura asks if she could have been the killer and Jane says, “doubtful.” Maura says so she could have killed her and Jane says, “No.” This confuses the Maura’s computing system. Then Jane gives her a flirty little, “I just wanted you to know what uncertainty felt like.” Maura’s face dissolves into immediate tears and Jane’s face scrunches into immediate concern. Jane, I’m going to have to take back the 100 Good Girlfriend Points I gave you earlier. Because making your honey cry about her birth mom and then not immediately wrapping her up in your arms into an enormous hug is simply unacceptable.

Also unacceptable, at least to Sister Winifred, is Jane forgetting the “Tidy Desk, Tidy Mind” song. Jane, however, remembers it all too well – with modifications. “Tidy farts and whitey butts, I can see your underwear!” Say hello to Det. Jane Rizzoli, the best crime-fighting 7-year-old in the Boston Police Department’s Homicide Squad.

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