“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.04): Please do watch him leave

Jane gets saved by the buzz again and off they go to a crime scene. This time a bus driver and appalled passengers have happened upon a dead woman made up to look like “some big weird doll.” Maura busts out the French term for sex doll, which makes it sexier but no less creepy. Then Maura says this murder might be more about the fetish of a love between a man and a doll. So it’s Rizzoli & the Real Girl this week.

The victim was hit in the head with something hard (hey, no dirty jokes – this is a serious show you guys) and is dressed in some early ’90s fashion complete with a scrunchy. Jane asks Maura if that means she Bill & Ted-ed her way to the bus stop. Maura shoots her back a, “No, Det. Smartypants.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did everyone catch that? So now it’s Dr. and Det. Smartypants? Looks like someone got legally wed in the commonwealth of Massachusetts over the break. But the bigger shock is that they took Maura’s last name. I see who really wears the pants in that family. Well, I sure hope they’re registered somewhere. I can’t wait to buy them a matching set of “Hers & Hers” hand towels.

Korsak shows up on scene with a new cute lab he rescued. I like the idea of a Dog of the Week a lot better than a Beard of the Week. Make it so, Janet Tamaro.

Back in the autopsy room, Jane and Maura are again talking about hard things with smirks on their faces. Come on, ladies. Remember the dildo episode? Lots of other things can be hard, too. Just saying. Frost comes in with a possible suspect (a newly released con with a sex doll girlfriend) and Jane tells him to take Frankie because she’s not up for a pervert today. That joke’s too easy, so I’ll skip it. Then Korsak sneaks in with his doggie and asks Maura to examine him. He’s already named him “Barney Miller.” Korsak is such a lesbian, rescuing strays and naming them and imagining their future nights snuggling on the couch together.

Barney is actually a registered service dog and belongs to the veterans center where Lt. Col. Beard Force works. Maura offers to take him back and runs into, yeah, you guessed it. She realizes he is injured and tells him to tell Jane. He says he came back to get into clinical trials for spinal regeneration, not for Jane. Because he is her beard, not her boyfriend. Why is this so hard for everyone to grasp?

In the station, Frost and Korsak put the perv’s sex doll in Jane’s chair. Jane is not amused. But even Jane’s disgust isn’t cheering up Korsak, who misses Barney and the fake home they had together. Frost gives him a suggestive sex doll eye wink. And then Frankie comes in to return her and gives her a little ass slap. Jane, however, only has eyes for her own astonishingly lifelike animatronic girlfriend who comes into the office spewing tech talk. Jane teases her gently, like you tease your girlfriend about her adorable little idiosyncrasies.

Jane: [Makes robot hands] Beep, I am a robot. Beep, I do not compute human talk.
Maura: I do not use that inflection.

Oh, you two. Stop it. When you act cute for a second it makes me miss you even more. Maura does her best to coax Jane out. A run? A beer at the Dirty Robber? A can of whip cream and handcuffs? Yet Jane and her pouty pants won’t play. Back at the Isles Estate, Mama R is showing her daughter-in-law her new online ordering system for the café. But she’s more worried about Jane and her beard dump blues. Maura makes her swear on a Grey’s Anatomy (so cute!) that she won’t tell Jane, but then confesses she went to see Lt. Col. Beard Force and that he is partially paralyzed. Mama R is worried about grandkids, because she thought he would have made a great sperm donor for her girls. Or, you know, that’s how I interpreted it. Maura says something crazy about her being in love with him. And everyone laughs and laughs. Or, you know, just all the lesbians watching at home.

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