“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.03): When zombie boners attack!

Just then, Frankie drives up to save the day. He catches Maura and Zombie in the act and is none too pleased with his sister-in-law. Now that’s what I call a good brother. Way to cockblock Maura for Jane. Back at the office, Mama R is distracting Jane from her Maura Lt. Col. Beard Force problems. She looks deep into Jane’s big baby browns and says, “I wish you would confide in me. I’m right here.” Jane takes a deep breath, looks at her mother and says, “I’m gay and in love with Maura.” Wait, no, sorry – there was a problem with my audio. She really says some nonsense about becoming a nun. See, this is what you’re driven to when your girlfriend goes out with a cocky street artist/motivational speaker. And then Mama R gives her a long hug because we all know Jane really meant to say the gay thing.

The next morning Jane busts into Maura’s office with nary a knock. She’s all, “Why did you tell ma about Beard Force? Are you going to tell her about the vibrator we bought together too?” That’s paraphrasing, but really that’s what she said. No kidding. But Maura is too busy fretting over the ticket Frankie gave her for tagging. And then she tells Jane she liked breaking the law. Dr. Maura Isles: Lawbreaker. Yeah, we’re as shocked as you are, Jane.

Jane calls her a lovesick, blabbermouth tagger instead. Speaking of taggers, medical results show the victim had spray paint in his lungs and was probably a tagger too. Jane wonders if she had a street beef and Maura wonders if that’s a food truck. OK, that’s the geeky Maura we know and love. Jane is sufficiently re-smitten and runs off to fix Frankie’s ticket. He reassures her it’s bogus and she gave it to her to keep her and her zombie boyfriend off the streets. Or, more accurately, away from each other.

Sadly, back at Casa Isles, Maura and her zombie are back with each other. She’s talking about her love of fine cheeses. And then, dammit, if ZBD doesn’t go and do the cheesiest thing ever. He’s naked – yes, naked – when Maura turns around. He’s there to sculpt her – nude, apparently – and says he only felt it was right he was nude, too. Maura gets flustered, makes a crack about his good circulation and then downs a whole glass of wine. I know, it’s difficult sometimes with straight experiences. Lots of people need to get drunk first.

And then he sculpts her and she puts back on her dress and he puts back on his pants and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS.

The next day Maura and Jane are checking out the hot-tub boiled body of a graffiti documentarian Frankie and Frost found the other day. Maura teases Jane with tales of his nudity. Jane’s face says, “No!” but her mouth covers with, “I want to hear everything.” Maura continues to fret about what her punishment will be, and the color of her court-mandated uniform. Jane finally let’s her off the hook and tells her it was a fake. Maura is all, “Bad girlfriend, no eye sex.” And then Jane tells her she did it to, “scare her straight.” Again, leaving out words ladies. Scare her “away from” the straights! Sheesh. Everybody needs syntax and elocution lessons today.

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