“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.03): When zombie boners attack!

Rondo comes to save Jane from her torment. He’s brought more news. But the big news may actually be about him. Seems he used to be Boston’s Barry White who could “sing the panties right off ya.” Mama Rizzoli bustles in to agree about the panties and say one of the Rizzoli brothers was conceived to his singing. Oh, Mama R, how I love you. Rondo brings in another “CI” with some loopy intel of his own, but he also asks Jane to check out the classified intel in the synthesizer. She says she will but only if he promises to sing for her. But he refuses and tried to back out of everything. Rondo’s got a backstory. Interesting.

Well, at least more interesting than Zombie Boner Dude. He’s with Maura in her office now and gives her a thank-you present. It is hand. Let me get this straight, the dude who had the zombie boner which Maura grabbed just gave her a hand? Well, that’s certainly a literal way to thank someone for a life-saving hand job.

Turns out he’s also the artist, but really he is a motivational speaker. And he gives talks about unleashing your inner real winning self. I’m about to unleash something on him, and he won’t feel like he’s winning. And then he gets even more insufferable and asks Maura out. She agrees, but only if he won’t die on her again. Well, you’d better hope Jane doesn’t find out then because she will definitely kill him.

As Zombie Boner Dude leaves, Mama R walks in with some fresh Italian puff pastry out of the oven. She says something ridiculous about wishing Jane could meet a tall drink of water like him. Mama, mama, mama – she has Maura. It’s like a having a gorgeous bottle of Dom Pérignon. Who needs dumb old water? Maura then mentions Jane and Casey and Mama R ounces. Maura! Don’t tell your mother-in-law about your girlfriend’s beard problems. That’s private. Don’t be bribed by pastry.

Now on their “date,” Zombie Boner Dude has taken Maura to the food trucks. She says it reminds her of an agora and gets impressed again when he knows that’s an ancient Greek marketplace. And then he less than impresses her by offering to buy her a chilidog. Dr. Maura Isles does not eat the gonads, intestines and eyeballs of hoofed animals.

If you thought chilidogs were as cheesy as it was going to get, he tells Maura, “You have exceptional hands. I would love to sculpt them.” But wait, it’s like those late-night informercials where they promising one more thing, there’s even more cheesiness. He asks her, “What’s the wildest, most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?” Maura has to think. With Jane? Hm. That time in a moving squad car was pretty wild. And that time in the interrogation room was pretty outrageous. Look, she’s thinking about it now.

But Maura has the good sense to keep those wild, outrageous things with Jane to herself. She knows those confessions might get Zombie Boner Dude too excited and then she’d have to resuscitate his member again. And nobody wants that. So she tells him that she rode nude on a horse at an equine dressage event. Of course, this being Maura the nudity had a purpose. She was protesting cuts to her college equestrian team. Yeah, not unlike the time I protested boredom and skipped my econ class for a week.

But ZBD (I’m just getting tired of writing “boner” over and over) wants his own wild and outrageous moment with Maura. So he pulls down the fire escape and takes her to the roof. And on the roof he finds some spray paint cans and asks her to be her look out. Now, Maura may like art that looks like the innards of an old jalopy, but she’s not about the break the law because she is the chief medical examiner of the commonwealth of Massachusetts. ZBD says “art is not a crime,” and then physically grabs her hand and does it for her. Everyone’s so handy, cut it out!

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