“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.03): When zombie boners attack!

Back in Maura’s office she’s opening a card that came with a bouquet of orchids. When Jane walks in she tells her they’re from the cute boy with the erection who is about to be discharged from the hospital. Really, writers? Making Maura say “cute boy,” “erection” and “discharge” all in the same sentence? Stop torturing the lesbians.

Jane is in no mood for Maura’s wang talk, she has her own wang to worry about. She tells Maura about Lt. Col. Beard Force’s return. Maura asks if Jane liked Casey more than Dean, which is kind of obvious. If you’re going to have a beard, make it the most macho beard possible. In a macho off, a Lt. Col. beats a FBI agent easily. Jane tells her how she got the brush off instead and Maura says, “Oh, that’s not good” which solicits a pillow hit. It’s so natural and unsurprising. Something tells me these two hit each other playfully with pillows in bed all the time. Or at least Jane hits Maura. And then Maura complains about the thread count in Jane’s pillows. And then they laugh and focus their attention on an entirely different kinds of pillows. Ahem.

Maura tells her to distract herself from heartbreak with work. Jane agrees, because the whole “It Has Risen” thing with Zombie Boner Dude was pretty unsettling. She says if she doesn’t she’ll end up curled up in the fetal position on Maura’s couch, and her couch “blows.” To translate into Rizzles Language, that means “your couch is incredibly uncomfortable when we try to have a quickie afternoon delight together.”

Later the detectives find the other homeless marine also murdered by a tactical tomahawk. Back in autopsy, Jane is distracted. Maura says she’s fixated on Lt. Col. Beard Force and should call him. Jane says she would rather juggle Maura’s scalpels. Again with the misplaced words. Please replace “scalpels” with “pillows” – Maura’s pillows. Look, she’s thinking about them now. Ahem.

Just then Zombie Boner Dude pops up to thank the ladies in person. Jane echoes lesbian sentiments everywhere when she says, “I’m keeping my distance. I’m afraid of that erection.” So say we all. They find him in the lobby admiring the decaying Pinto. And then he promptly grabs Maura and hugs her. Jane teases that she’s checking for a pulse. As she’s being manhandled, Maura gives a worried look back to Jane. You can only torment your girlfriend so much with the boy baiting.

Then Zombie Boner Dude goes in for a hug with Jane and Jane is all “Whoa!” “Back Up!” “Boy Cooties!” “Ew gross!” He thanks them for the pen in my throat thing and they’re all whatever. And then he tries to impress Maura with his knowledge of the decaying Pinto piece. Jane’s not impressed. Maura, however, sees her chance to make Jane even more jealous.

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