“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.03): When zombie boners attack!

Back at the autopsy room, Jane and Maura are examining the victim’s wounds. Jane thinks they could be from a tactical tomahawk. But then another fresh corpse is rolled into the room in a body bag. The guy apparently croaked in a cab. Maura unzips him – because never mind the exposed dead guy on the other table already – and it’s Eddie Cibrian. Jane declares him “kind of hot, for a dead guy.” Oh, Janey, you accidentally included the word “dead” in that sentence.

Then, in a moment that stretches not only credulity but the laws of nature, the dead guy rises. Well, one particular part of him rises. And as it rises it even makes a cartoony creaking up, up, up sound. Because when you’re a very special guest star, even your penis gets sound effects. Jane is, naturally, horrified. Because who wouldn’t be horrified by a zombie boner?

Well, unfortunately, Maura isn’t. Because her reaction is to grab it. With her hand. In front of Jane. OK, OK, that’s like negative 100 girlfriend points right there. No eye (or any other kind of) sex for her tonight. To make the whole situation even more horrifying, the zombie boner has a pulse. The victim isn’t dead, just has an obstruction in his airway.

Maura performs an emergency cricothyrotomy to save him, which in non-medical terms means she jams a pen barrel into his throat. It works, the dead guy comes to and smiles at Maura. He even grabs her hand. Um, how long was he without oxygen in that body bag? Because only someone with severe brain damage would try of flirting with Dr. Isles in front of Det. Rizzoli. As the EMTs cart him off, Maura asks if she and Jane “should bump fists?” Man, what is up with you ladies and your adding/leaving out of important words today? You should definitely bump something together, but not fists.

Maura says, “it is nice to save someone that handsome.” Jane looks all hurt and asks if he was ugly would Maura have let him die. But we all know that’s just code for, “More handsome than me?” No, Jane, not more handsome than you. Dude may have a zombie boner, but you have the Ponytail of Righteous Justice and also your face. Have you seen your face? It’s a very nice face.

Upstairs the boys are already chuckling about how Zombie Boner Dude has risen “hard and fast.” Jane chides them and asks, “Does the fascination with your ding-a-lings ever end?” And they reply, “Nope.” See, any dude can obsess about his johnson anywhere he wants, but a female legislator can’t even say the word “vagina” in the Michigan House of Representatives without being officially silence. To quote Det. Jane Rizzoli, “Really? REALLY?!”

The victim’s widow comes in and tells them about his severe PTSD after coming home and an outreach center where he went briefly for help. Jane and Korsak go to visit and who should they find there but none other than Lt. Col. Beard Force. He’s been back from his secret mission for months and hasn’t bothered to call Jane. Because he’s her beard, not her boyfriend. Jane acts all hurt, because even a beard should probably call after being away for so long. But he’s all “things have changed” and “I’ve been very busy.” Well, since that time Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell also has been repealed. So maybe he decided he was just tired of living a lie.

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