“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (3.02): Is there a doctor in the family?

Frost pulls up, conveniently, with his car and the ladies relent for environmental reasons. But Jane says she gets to drive because she’s the cop and the top and, well, just get in the car, Maura. But they both refuse to listen to each other’s music in the car. Though, side note, how exactly does Jane know Maura listens to Yo-Yo Ma in the Jacuzzi? Exactly.

The roadtrip goes as one might expect. Maura give her geeky longitude and latitude directions. Jane farts and blames it on Maura. Mama R calls to see if her daughters are getting along and tells them to pop in the self-help relationship audiobook she packed in the cooler. It’s something like What to Do When You and Your LLBFF Can’t Be LLBFFs, but snarky Maura reads it as What to Do When Your Former LLBFF is a Bitch. There two need to go visit couples therapist Earth Rain Song Womyn immediately and get some healing relationship crystals or something.

The Not So Adorable Bickersons pull up to a guard booth at the yoga retreat and try to bluff their way inside. And by “bluff” I mean they act like a couple, engage in a little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching and say they’ve just ascended. Ascended, is that what they’re calling it these days? Well this being Pride Month, there’s a whole lot of ascending going on between ladies all over the country – you know what I mean?

They sneak out to the lake and Maura takes her water samples but notices some suspicious looking equipment and even more suspicious looking muscle hanging around the lake. Maura says they’re in danger and need to leave pronto. As they drive out Maura tells Jane the victim definitely swam in that lake and the equipment was for fracking, an environmentally hazardous way of extracting natural gas. Jane pieces together that the victim, who was studying geology, probably uncovered the fracking which got her killed.

And then, BAM, a truck rams their car. OK, can we just take a moment, please. Are lesbians (or virtual lesbians, semantics) in car accidents the new pregnant lesbians? Jane and Maura on Rizzoli & Isles. Quinn on Glee. Callie and Arizona on Grey’s Anatomy. Cat on Lip Service. Stay out of and away from cars, ladies who (potentially) love other ladies. They are extremely hazardous to your health and the health of your lesbian fans. So ends this very important public service announcement.

But there’s no time to fret about the unhealthy percentage of traumatic televised lesbian car accidents. Jane and Maura are in danger, girl. They’re being shot at in the car. Maura’s leg is stuck, making it hard to get out of and Jane returns fire while trying to protect her. They manage to scamper out and flee. Though not before Jane gets in little butt grab while helping Maura up the hill. Hand placement is everything.

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