“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.13): Having a good-looking LLBFF is the best revenge

Maura is performing the autopsy on Steve and Jane is there because, well, Maura is there. They are, naturally, talking about the dead man’s wife’s boobs. Really, Jane? Really? Your former friend is on the slab and you still can’t keep your mind off his widow’s lovely lady lumps. She even remembers the exact age Emily was when she got them – 12. Maura says something comforting about how big knockers aren’t that great. And then they eye sex each other up while pretending to talk about Lt. Col. Beard Force. Frost walks in and realizes the ocular interruptus he has caused and says, apologetically, “Should I knock?”

Yes, Frost, yes. Always knock. He interrupted a perfectly good eye shag to tell them plant activist Debbie was just found dead, from an apparent suicide. But, all is not as it seems as Debbie’s ligature marks exceed the circumference of the rope. I don’t really know what that means either, but Maura said it and saying it again makes me sound smart. So it was a staged suicide and someone is picking off Jane’s classmates one at a time.

Korsak comes in to see the results, but winces in pain. He says he’s doing “too much of this downward doggie thing with Melody.” Yo, Korsak, I thought you also took the sensitivity training and earned your Rainbow Certificate. You can’t go telling two gay ladies that you’re doing anything doggie-style with your ex-wife. That’s just not cool and not a mental image they want to have or appreciate. Trust me.

Maura chimes in that back pain is the second most common ailment in the United States. Jane retorts, “What’s the first? Your fun facts?” Oh, bicker on, Adorable Bickersons. Bicker on. Maura shoots back “headaches” and gives Jane a little “the make-up eye sex for that transgression better be really hot” smolder. Jane turns her attention back to Korsak and says it “this is getting serious” with his ex because she’s got him doing yoga.

Um, Jane. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Maura get you to do yoga? Several times. Together. Adorably. Pot, kettle – black black black. Maura says it’s good Korsak is trying again and says something about past anger the present focus. Jane calls her “Deepak Maura” and gets another immediate smolder back that says, “Yeah, really really good make-up eye shagging.”

Before any of that can happen, Jane gets another call. And, you guessed it, it’s another dead classmate. This time it’s Maria, the formerly fat girl who slimmed down and thought all that work would be best wasted on Giovanni. Poor, poor dear deluded gal. He comes into the cafeteria shaken up and recounts what happened on their date. Jane asks if she has any contact with the other dead St. Dominic alumnus. He says no.

When Steve’s wife Emily comes up he says, “Hey, you could probably appreciate her tits now, too, right?” Oh, Giovanni, you are my favorite – my absolute favorite. Jane can only close her eyes, because when your love for big boobs outs you to your mom there’s not much else you can do. Mama Rizzoli has a slightly more animated reaction. Oh, come on Mama R, you knew. Let’s not kid ourselves. A mother knows.

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