“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.10): Hurt her and I’ll kill you, no really


Maura worries Hoyt might be faking his condition and asks to see his medical record. Warden Bulls–t again refuses and so Maura eyeballs some conveniently placed vials of his blood. Hoyt keeps rambling about some very bad things he did he wants to tell Jane. He says “the good doctor can hear, too.” See, even crazed homicidal maniacs know Jane and Maura are a couple.

He goes on about a young eagle and white velvet and eagle water and Maura thinks he might be talking nonsense. I know I should be all, “Oooh, scary serial killer is scary,” but mostly I just like how Hoyt’s presence makes Jane and Maura extra protective of each other. I know everyone is serious here, but they look seriously sexy together.

Back at police headquarters, Jane says seeing Hoyt will give her “nightmares for months.” Maura asks, a little too enthusiastically, if she might need her own personal “sleep coach.” Don’t worry, she already returned that dorky headband thing. She’s clearly just volunteering herself here. But I don’t know if “sleep” is exactly what she’ll be coaching Jane in.

Maura then says it’s a good thing she didn’t get another love pat on the way out and goes for her cleavage. Jane gets all, “Honey, not in public,” but Maura just pulls out a vial of Hoyt’s blood instead. Can we hide more things in Maura’s cleavage, please? Like, an item an episode?

Jane is equal parts shocked and proud that her lady stole Hoyt’s blood. But then Maura starts to panic that she might get arrested. Uh, wasn’t she practically begging Jane to arrest her a couple of weeks ago? Just saying.

While going through evidence from the jail, they find several different kinds of self-fashioned shivs. Maura calls it fascinating, like Project Runway. Coming to Bravo this fall: Project Shiv, where Tim Gunn tells contestants to “Make it bleed.”

Jane gives Maura a patented “Really?” and moves on. Butches just don’t appreciate the fabulousness of high-fashion shivs. In the cafeteria, Frankie confronts Jane about seeing Hoyt. She deflects and talks about the surprise birthday party she is not supposed to know about instead. She tells Frankie to tell their mom she wants a “My Pretty Pony”-themed party. My Pretty Pony? Has Jane been talking to Brittany?

Mama Rizzoli asks why Jane and Frankie look like a pair of kittens without their mittens and then offers her two grown-up police officer children a cream cheese and jelly sandwich. I mean it, never change Mama R. Jane teases Frankie about being chunky. Frankie punches Jane in the arm. Again, Tommy Rizzoli, learn from these two how siblings should appropriately interact with each other.

Maura has found something “interesting” in the victim’s stomach contents. And by “interesting,” she means super gross. He has swallowed a balloon full of human teeth. When Lady Gaga sang “show me your teeth,” this was not what she was talking about.

Maura’s computer dings and instead of being Hoyt’s blood results, as expected, it’s a confirmation email about the romantic rainbow hot air balloon ride she booked for Jane’s birthday. Aw, you two lovebirds. Just don’t try to join the mile-high club because that seems like a dangerous maneuver for a wicker basket.

The team puzzles over the balloon full of teeth, which all came from four different people – including two children. Jane and Korsak go to the basement to check out cold cases. Jane is convinced Hoyt is involved, even with his terminal pancreatic cancer diagnosis. So she pulls an all-nighter and emerges all rumpled but no less sexy with the case of a missing family of four. DNA results link the missing family of four to the teeth in the victim’s body.

Back at Jane’s apartment, a sweatpanted Jane is poring over the case and Maura tells her not to “over secrete.” Though a little secretion never hurt, am I right ladies? Jane says perhaps a midnight hot air balloon ride will help her relax and Maura says she just wanted a “unique experience.” Again, do not attempt to join the mile-high club in a wicker basket, you two. Not safe, not safe at all.

Maura says Jane should save her a lot of agony and “tell me what you want?” OK, Maura, get a pen. This is going to involve marshmallow fluff, a leather jacket and some handcuffs. Also, secretion. Lots and lots of secretion.

Jane says she wants a thoroughbred. Um, you already have one. Have you seen Maura’s legs? But she says she wants a horse she can name Walter and ride to work every day. No, no, no, Jane. You want a unicorn and you’ll name it Brittana because we all know you and Maura cuddle each Tuesday night and secretly watch Glee together.

Maura’s sarcasm detector has apparently had a sudden upgrade and she says many people wouldn’t take Jane’s “abuse” like she does. Jane whines that she hates her birthday and Maura asks her what the “big whoop” is. “Whoop” is so close to “whoopee,” which is what Maura and Jane should be making. Jane says her birthdays never turn out like she imagined it and she gets disappointed. Again, not to be redundant, but it wouldn’t if you two would celebrate by making whoopee.

The team finds the murdered family of four submerged in a car in a pond. As they try to connect the case to Hoyt, Jane gets a call that he wants to give a death-bed confession about all the other people he murdered and the places he hid their bodies. Maura says she’s coming along, because all the people playing the drinking game at home aren’t quite drunk enough yet.

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