“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.08): Maura kisses a boy and Jane doesn’t like it

The victim’s son is checking out of the hospital against doctors orders. He’s in a hurry to pick up a mystery container for his family’s shipping business. Of course, this mystery pales in comparison to the mystery of what Maura finds attractive about That Lucky Bastard. Seriously, he’s a little goofy looking. And his hair is nowhere near as spectacular as Jane’s. Open your eyes, woman, open your eyes.

That night, Maura gets another knock on the door. This time it’s Jane. Maura asks, “What are you doing here?” Really, Maura, really? Jane’s mother lives at your house. Jane’s ex-con brother was living at your house. Jane practically eats every meal at your house. Jane watches sports at your house. Jane has slept over with you in your bed at your house. So, you know, that’s what Jane is doing at your house.

Jane says her toe is killing her and limps in, only to find That Lucky Bastard also there packing boxes. Seriously, moving boxes already? He is so a lesbian. Maura asks if Jane came over to check up on her. Uh, duh? Maura’s old friend with benefits offers Jane some wine, at which point you’d expect Maura to run in and give her a beer instead. But she doesn’t. You are losing some serious girlfriend point this week, missy. Good thing your hair still looks super shiny and pretty or I’d be super furious with you.

That Lucky Bastard offers to take a look at Jane’s toe. OK, hold the phone. Now Maura is letting other people touch Jane’s feet? I don’t care how shiny her hair it, that’s not right. And she’s even going to have her African visitor perform the procedure – with pruning shears. Jane is equally appalled and all, “But, but, only Maura touches my feet — and stuff.”

Afterward, they help Jane limp off. She can’t leave fast enough saying being there with them made her lose her appetite. You and every other lesbian watching, honey.

The next day Jane is working in the cafeteria when a gift basket arrives for Maura. It’s filled with two-buck Chuck and rolls of toilet paper. Wow, not only can That Lucky Bastard not sext properly, he’s rubbish at giving romantic gifts.

Because a mother always knows, Mama Rizzoli leans over and comforts her Janey. “It hurts your feelings that she’s not confiding in you…and sleeping with some schmuck who isn’t you.” Jane pretends it doesn’t bug her, but we all know better. Mama R says That Lucky Bastard seems charming, but is probably a criminal because he’s Australian and also not Jane. She is so rooting for Team Gayzzoli.

Jane sees Maura and sprints after her, bad toe and all. See, that’s love. Maura says the gift basket is a joke from their days doing relief work together in Ethiopia. Yeah, but it’s no fudge clusters.

Jane asks why she never told her about That Lucky Bastard before, but Maura says she did and Jane probably forgot. Wait, I thought Maura couldn’t lie? And then she leaves Jane standing all alone as she gets on the elevator. But, but, the elevator is their special place. Who is this person and what has she done with Dr. Maura Isles?

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