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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.07): Something rhymes with witchy this way comes

It’s morning in Boston and Det. Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles are having breakfast together because, well, that’s what they always do. They wake up, roll over, say good morning, get dressed (or not, they could conceivably roll around a little more — ahem), have breakfast and solve horrible grisly murders. Like someone getting burned to death at the stake. Yuck. But you know what’s yummy? Bunny pancakes.

Mama Rizzoli has made her Janie bunny pancakes while Maura gets an egg-white omelet. Jane does not appreciate the cuteness of said bunny pancake and promptly cuts off its ears and gives them to — who else? — Maura. They are seriously the oldest, marriedest couple I have ever seen on television.

Jane tells her mom to stop making her zoo-animal shaped pancakes in public. It’s tough out there for a butch. But Mama Rizzoli has ulterior motives for her adorable fluffy short stack. She tells Jane, “I could make bunny pancakes for grandchildren.” Oh, Mama R, you’ve got to work on Maura for that. Remember, she’s the one with the baby fever.

Jane protests and knocks a fork off the table in the process, which gets another knowing tsk-tsk from Mama Rizzoli. She tells her dropping a fork means to expect a female visitor. And now all I can hear is the sound of single lesbians everywhere emptying the content of their silverware drawer onto the floor.

Maura is thinking about another sort of female visitor and asks Mama Rizzoli is she is still menstruating. Yep, that’s our Dr. Isles — not good at boundaries yet surprisingly good at identifying euphemisms for menstruation.

Jane has had enough of her mom and girlfriend conspiring together and shoos her mom away. Where she runs into – yep – a female visitor. Frankie’s old girlfriend is there. An old girlfriend the Rizzoli women do not like. In fact, Mama R gives her the “I can’t stand you”-hug. I know that hug well. I always pretend I’m a porcupine with extended quills when I have to give one.

Jane says her mom is too polite to call her the word that rhymes with “witch,” and Maura helpfully chimes in “bitch.” This earns a world-class shushing from Jane.

Shushing your spouse in public and giving her food off your plate: It’s like watching your grandparents bicker while enjoying the early bird special at Hometown Buffet.

Teresa comes up to say hello. Jane gives her her own, much less polite version of the “I can’t stand you”-hug. I call it the “I can’t believe you skipped out on my brother after he co-signed a car loan for you and left him to pay it off, you bitch, and if I wasn’t tasked with serving and protecting this great city I would kick your ass until Sunday”-hug. And that’s not even really paraphrasing. I think Jane’s body language is visible from space.

Maura feels the hostility and deems the whole thing “uncomfortable.” Maura also notices that Teresa is very symmetrical, because “studies have shown that women who have symmetrical facial features are the most attractive to the Rizzoli siblings. Have I mentioned how symmetrical my face is, Jane? I have precise measurement data, if you’d like to see it.”

Jane gets saved by her phone and they’re off on a case. But not before Maura deems the bunny pancakes “yummy.” I hope you’re taking notes for next Valentine’s Day, Jane. Fudge clusters and bunny pancakes and you’re golden.

As they walk up to the crime scene, Jane and Maura both put on their latex gloves expertly. Something tells me those two have a lot of practice slipping on gloves. Safety first ladies, am I right?

Maura says she’ll have to do a full autopsy to identify the gender of the burned up dearly deceased. But Jane, being the expert Maura Whisperer that she is, goads her by saying it’s obviously male. Maura corrects her that the less pronounced supra-orbital ridges indicate female. And then she realizes Jane just made her guess again. Jane does a little victory hip thrust in celebration. Something tells me those two have plenty of practice doing that together, too.

Back at headquarters, Jane gives Frankie a hard time about Hurricane Teresa coming back, and the Camry he bought her. Frostie fans should be happy for the gentle ribbing Frost gives Frankie when he finds out about the car. I hope those two crazy kids can work it out. But Frankie is in no mood and breaks the cardinal rule of good brothers of gay sisters. He teases Jane about a boy she once liked. He says she even “started wearing dresses.” It’s OK, Jane. We all go through a phase where we think, “Well, this guy’s not so bad. Maybe if I worse a dress and I pretended he looked like Angelina Jolie this could work out.” Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.

At the murdered woman’s house, Korsak finds and immediately bonds with her orphaned cat. I swear, everyone is a lesbian on this show. But Jane proves that she is definitely a dogbian instead of a catbian when she fails to recognize the kitty’s pink nail caps. Also, side note: Those buggers are not easy to get on your cat — and I have the scars to prove it.

In woman’s basement, they find an altar with assorted witchy bric-a-brac. Skull, here; eye of newt , there. Jane Facetimes the scene to Maura. Wow, she was really fast at pulling that program up. I wonder what else those two Facetime together.

Though I dare say their Facetime session has the result it normally does, as Maura rushes right over to see Jane right away. While Maura tests the blood on the scene, Jane hovers. Maura tells her to quit and Jane quips, “Somebody did get a visitor today.” Sharing food and shushing in public, fine. Showing how well you know your girlfriend’s cycle in public, uh-uh. Dr. Maura Isles is not amused.

Then Maura dazzles Jane, Frost and Korsak with her knowledge of all things Wicca and witchcraft. Look in Maura’s DVD cabinet and it’s just box sets of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed and the special collector’s edition of The Craft. Maura pays special attention to the love spell our poor witch, Helen, was casting. Though, we all know Maura doesn’t need any spell to keep Jane bewitched.

For those of you who slept through the chapter on the Salem Witch Trials of 1692 in high school, Jane and Frost provide us with a little crash history lesson. The deceased’s family was one of the earliest settlers of Salem and her family land was passed down through over 300 years. Then Frost and Jane reminisce about how bad things were for women slaves in colonial Boston while giving Korsak the hairy eyeball. This moment of awkwardness was brought to you by centuries of straight white male privilege.

You how even if you can really, really love your girlfriend sometimes her little quirks just make you want to hit yourself in the head with a 2×4 until you blessedly lose consciousness and forget all about her tendency to put the OJ back in the fridge with only one sip left in the carton. So Jane seems to be having one of those days with Maura. She has no patience with Maura’s typically clinical answer to a question and demands a simple “yes or no.” Are we sure Jane isn’t the one with the visitor because, hello, rhymes with witch.

Instead of investigating the case of a woman being burned alive in the middle of Boston, Jane and Maura decide eat lunch together in Maura’s car while staking out Jane’s brother on his picnic date. Jane complains that she is hot, which empirically is just true. Say what you will about Angie Harmon‘s politics, but that is one good-looking woman. Maura uses the ventilation system powered by her Toyota’s solar panels to cool her down. Leave it to Maura to find a way to show off her earthy crunchy side that didn’t involve wearing Birkenstocks.

Once Frankie arrives the ladies duck down in their seats. This would have been a lot simpler if they had just moved to the backseat to begin with – and don’t even pretend it would have been the first time. Korsak calls interrupting their not-at-all sleuthy sleuthing and once again our ladies answer “Rizzoli” “and Isles.” I mean it, does the writer who slips in title references get a prime parking spot for the week or what?

Korsak and Frost uncover that Helen the witch left her property to three fellow witches from her coven. Jane asks who “the beautiful one with the lip stud” is. Leave it to Jane to notice “the beautiful one.” Also, does she look suspiciously like one Dr. Maura Isles? Jane has a type.

Also, “the beautiful one” Sage is played by Emily Foxler. Foxler played Sister Nicci on Legend of the Seeker, and Legend of the Seeker launched a million Kahlan and Cara fanvids on YouTube. Can, open. Subtext, everywhere.

Our trip down subtext lane is interrupted by Frankie who knocks Maura’s lean, green machine. He asks why they’re snooping. Maura says they’re just testing a hypothesis. Jane tells her to stop talking. See? Snippy. And then Frankie drops a bomb on our nosey couple: Teresa has introduced him to their daughter, Lily. The look on Jane’s face tells me she isn’t quite ready to be the cool lesbian aunt just yet.

Nor is she ready to have Teresa, who has already taught her 7-year-old that French fries make you fat, as an in-law. Really, Frankie, look to Jane’s example of how to pick superior in-laws for your family. Jane chomps down passive aggressively on the fry instead.

Jane and Maura go to meet with the coven members. Again, it’s totally normal to bring the medical examiner along on an interrogation because, depending on your favorite crime procedural, suspect interviews are routinely done by CSIs, novelists and/or mentalists.

The coven members are predictably gothy. Piercings, tattoos and enough eyeliner to make Robert Smith fall in love — and not just on Fridays. Now it’s Jane’s turn to surprise Maura with her knowledge of Salem history — it was her favorite field trip and she’s been there six times. Aw, someone secretly loved watching all those Charmed marathons with Maura.

The coven leader – we’ll call him Mr. Nipple Rings for reasons that will be all-too clear later – invites Jane & Co. to a séance where they’ll ask the murdered woman herself who done it. Jane isn’t thrilled at the idea but Maura declares it fun, “like travelling to Borneo.” Hey, lesbians, tell your friends: “Travel to Borneo” is the new “Think of Estonia.” I think Pam Swynford De Beaufort would approve.

But before they can get to Borneo, Jane and Maura run into Mama Rizzoli who is thrilled with her new granddaughter because she chews with her mouth closed and uses a napkin. The soft bigotry of low expectations strikes again. Mama R asks Maura to host a family get together, because the whole Rizzoli family lives at her house anyway. Jane gives Maura a death glare and calls her a “buttinski.” If I was Maura, I’d slip Jane a little Midol, STAT.

Jane and Korsak go to interview the father of Sabrina — the coven’s looks teenage but probably twentysomething witch. He happens to be a reverend who happens to be convinced his daughter is now a devil worshiper. Oh, and their family is descendants of Sarah Good, one of the first women accused of and killed for witchcraft in Salem. With a family backstory like that, imagine the fun it is to fill out medical history forms at the doctor’s office.

Finally, it’s séance time or, more accurately, three goth kids have a threesome while the entire Boston homicide division watches time. There is the suggestive feeding of figs (which, if you’ve ever eaten a fresh fig, isn’t really that hard to do — those suckers were born the be drawn by Georgia O’Keeffe.) Maura tells Jane that feeding and sexual intercourse are part of some ritual somewhere. All Jane heard was “This guy is going to have sex with these girls” and she’s like, “I’m out.” Korsak and Frost, however, are very much in.

Our threesome breaks out the Ouija Board and any minute now I expect them to start playing “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” and then hide Sabrina’s bra in the freezer. But Korsak is a little freaked out by all the black magic, so Frost offers to let him hold his hand. Stop being so cute, you two. I’ve already committed to the Frostie ship.

Mr. Nipple Rings has some sort of “convulsion” which is an elaborate excuse for him to show off his shirtless abs. He says the killer is near and then all the candles blow out. I’m pretty sure Korsak squeezed the hell out of Frost’s hand at this point.

Back at Casa Isles-Rizzoli, Maura is talking unconscious muscular actions in response to a thought or idea and Jane is talking about faking it. Wow, these two are not on the same page. No one is getting lucky tonight.

It’s also big family dinner night, so Jane takes this opportunity to create more uncomfortable open hostility. See? I told you a Midol would have helped. Before all-out family war can erupt, Jane gets a call that another witch was attacked. As she leaves, she spies Lily’s sippy cup and snarls at Maura to “get your purse.” But, you know, who hasn’t used her girlfriend’s purse to steal a child’s cup in order to test it for paternity?

Though the more remarkable thing is Maura let Jane put the not-empty cup in her purse at all. But, hey, a ruined designer purse and couture heels are a small price to pay for love.

At the magic shop, I expect Tara MaClay to pop up and greet the detectives with her lopsided smile; but instead, Sabrina is there dazed after someone tried to knock a 100-plus pound bookcase on her. They suspect Mr. Nipple Rings, but end up finding him dead in his bathtub. Burning, drowning, pressing — it is a bad day to be a witch in Boston.

Back in the autopsy room, Frankie confronts Maura about the sippy cup theft. Maura says Jane only did it because she loves him. And Frankie asks, “What’s your excuse?” Frankie, Frankie — you know the answer to that. It’s because Maura loves Jane. But she only manages to sputter something out about having a bigger purse and access to paternity testing.

Mama Rizzoli shows up too, with her own stolen item for Maura to tests. It’s like we landed on The Maury Povich Show all of a sudden. As Frankie and his mom bicker, Maura says she has to talk to Jane and runs out. Not really an elegant way to flee an argument, but effective.

Maura tells Jane the figs in Mr. Nipple Rings stomach weren’t digested, meaning he was attacked before Sabrina. But could the tiny Melissa Joan Hart stand-in have held down a grown man and knocked over 100-pound bookcases? She could if she was decendent from crazy people. Sarah Good was likely schizophrenic, which is hereditary. Maura consults a medical dictionary with the name “J. Tamaro” written on the side. Hm, where have I seen that name before?

As they thought, Sabrina is having a mental break and is getting ready to go all Joan of Arc on Sage. Jane can’t have her harm “the beautiful one” so she full-on tackles Sabrina to the ground. Begin scheming of ways to break the law so Det. Jane Rizzoli will tackle you to the ground now.

Back at The Dirty Robber, Jane and Maura are eating together — again. They both have themselves nice, big slices of pie. I see what you did there, Rizzoli & Isles. Frankie comes in with Korsak and asks if it’s humble pie Jane is eating. No, not exactly. Something tells me Jane is thinking about another kind of pie altogether.

But all that underhanded paternity testing/children’s cup stealing was worth it because it turns out Lily is not Frankie’s daughter. Jane and Maura both tell him they’re sorry. But mostly I think they’re just sorry they’re back on the hook for grandkids with Mama Rizzoli. Get busy, gals. The bunny pancakes are waiting.

Come back next week when Maura kisses a boy and Jane puts a hit out on him. Wait, not what actually happens? Well, it should be. Until then, please enjoy this week’s #gayzzoli tweets.

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