“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.05): Unzip me, baby, one more time

Jane and Maura arrive at the vet’s office who happens to be Jerry from Parks and Recreation. Tommy is arguing about a $300 vet bill. In true Jerry fashion, he asks Jane if she works vice. Dammit, Jerry, that’s a Dr. Maura Isles dress – there’s nothing slutty about it. The vet thinks Joe Friday is chewing her paws because she’s depressed and needs doggie Prozac.

Maura agrees that she’s been “withdrawn, restless, reluctant to go outside and urinate.” Jane gives her the “You’re on my side, remember?”-stare. And Tommy blows a flush valve at the vet and has to be restrained by Jane. As they leave in a huff, Maura apologizes and says, “They really are very nice people.” Again, so cute I just want to stroke Maura’s hair and give her a cookie.

Now finally on her interro-date, Jane grills player Jesse about what’s happening with Mega and the team. But he just tries to hit on her instead. Her shutdown is so thorough I almost feel sorry for the doofus. Jane gets what intel she can and runs back to Maura’s house. Like I said, Maura will be the only one seeing Jane slip out of her dress tonight. In fact, she’s already disrobing as they walk through the front door together.

As Jane complains about Maura’s straitjacket of a dress, Maura informs Jane, “Your suit is a real booty call magnet. I got hit on twice…by women.” Jane can only manage a weak, “Really?” to that. It’s a mix of awe and jealousy. But I have to say I really think Dr. Isles is lying here. There’s no way only two women hit on her in that suit.

As they make their way to the living room, Maura stop and realizes her TV has been stolen. Jane runs for her mom, and together they all blame The Great Felonzzoli. Jane apologizes for having such a rat of a relative and Maura reassures her with some TGTGT that she still loves her even though her brother is a burglar.

Jane and Frankie go to confront Tommy at the bar, where he gets defensive and complains about being the screw up of the family. Well, dude, you did go to prison. The sibling pile-on is interrupted when they see a breaking newscast that the Pilgrims star player and Jane’s prime suspect Mega Vega has died in a car crash.

In the autopsy, Maura notices something strange about Mega’s heart. It’s enlarged, but the damage is recent. Jane can tell from the “case-solving hunch” look on Maura’s face that she has found something else. Maura says her face doesn’t “hunch.” But her face, and the big brain above it, does recognize crystallization in Mega’s kidneys. Jane asks her from what, but Maura says she’d only be guessing. Jane says under her breath, like we all do at the partner we love but whose idiosyncrasies drive us absolutely bonkers, “God, it’s torture sometimes.”

So she again becomes The Maura Whisperer and coaxes an answer out of her. She has seen symptoms like these before. Those symptoms were caused by antifreeze poisoning. So, Mega was being juiced, but only the kind that is a performance enhancer for his car.

Maura also finds another potentially case-solving clue on the dearly deceased sober coach. Jane is impatient and Maura scolds her for it. Jane counters that “Job was like a cranky toddler compared to me.” And if you believe that, Judas wants to become LLBFFs with you. The conversation then veers to baseball players superstitions, and Frost says Clemens used to run Tiger Balm on his balls. Maura is confused, asking “His balls? Don’t they inspect those before he’s allowed to pitch.” Maura is unfamiliar with the ball you speak of. Jane knows why.

The other clue was the time of death, which was six hours before the original estimate. The former detective turned baseball lackey changed the timestamps to protect Mega, who they thought killed his sober coach. But was it the jerky owner or his scorned ex-wife? I’m not really sure why I’m still following the plot at this point, because the subtext is so much juicier.

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