Welcome back! Long time no see. How have you been? Did you, like me, have to enter into a rehab program to deal with the excruciating withdrawal pains you experienced when forced to go subtext cold turkey at the end of last season? And now, like any good addict, are you ready to embrace your dark, irresistible vice again and inhale its intoxicating, brain-altering chemicals until everything is Rizzoli & Isles and nothing hurts? Good, so we’re all on the same page then. Let us begin.
When last we saw our intrepid heroine she had shot herself through the stomach to shoot a bad guy. Whatever inferior macho cop show you are watching, stop immediately and beg forgiveness at the altar of Det. Jane Rizzoli’s superior badassery. Now, three months after the shooting, the band is all back together and getting ready for a ceremony to honor Jane’s heroism. Some unseen bad guy is also building a bomb in the background, if you must know. But plot-schmot, there’s a knock at Jane’s door. Who’s there? Dr. Maura Isles, who immediately tells her girlfriend she looks terrible. You always hurt the ones you love.
Jane is skulking around in a hoodie, wearing sweats and eating cereal. So, basically, she looks pretty much exactly like every gay gal watching the show did last night. Maura starts in about Jane’s peritoneum and small bowels. Jane tells Maura she can’t casually discuss her privates. But can she casually do other things with your privates, Jane?
Maura scolds Jane for spending her recuperation time exercising her credit card on the Shopping Channel instead of exercising her mind on Shakespeare. She says the mind aids recovery.
Maura: Mind – body.
Jane: Mind – business.
Maura: You are my business.
Right, so as my great-aunt Edna used to say, “Let’s put a pin in that and just leave that there, m’kay?”
Maura hauls her gal off the couch, and if you had two minutes and 15 seconds until the first Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, you win the pool. Jane says she’s still in pain and doesn’t want to go. Maura responds by asking about her last bowel movement. I have to say, I certainly hope discussion of bowels doesn’t become a widespread form of foreplay.