“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (1.09): You do anything to protect “family”

When Maura tells Jane that her biological father wants her to do, Jane says, “If he wants to protect you, maybe we should just let him handle it.” Again with the rule breaking to protect her woman. And again with the eyes that go from Maura’s eyes to her lips. Check the tape, I’m not lying.

Maura is still worked up about her possible genetic disposition for crime. Hey, didn’t we see this subplot before with one Det. Olivia Benson? Speaking of which, how about we get a crossover where the NYPD has a sex crimes case that leads them to Boston. Of course, if that happened every lesbian’s head on the planet would explode from the uber-gayosity. But I digress.

Jane is telling Maura there isn’t an evil bone in her body — while holding her hand, with both her hands. If you picked touching as your cue this episode in the Rizzoli & Isles Lesbian Subtext Drinking Game, you’d be well on your way to being soused.

Jane’s brother Frankie shows up at the door. He sees Maura and says hi, completely unfazed by her presence in Jane’s apartment in the middle of the night. Seems he needs help with the bar plumbing subplot involving their dad that I’ve been ignoring.

Maura wants to come along. Anything to get near a toolbelt, eh? Jane and Maura then have a butch off, proving who knows more about plumbing. And blow torches. And pipes. Speaking of pipes, Jane hands Maura a really big one to hold. Which she then admires, longingly. Not-so subtle symbolism for $100, Alex.

A break in the case leads them to the killer, which leads Jane and Maura to an intense conversation about what to do. Call her sperm donor daddy so he can whack the guy or let justice take its course. Maura won’t call, but Jane says she will. Like I was saying, anything to keep her woman safe. But Maura won’t allow it, so Jane takes the phone to “crime lab.”

Next thing you know they’re all walking up to a very dead killer. A picture of Maura’s birth father holding her as a baby is stuck to his body with an ice pick. Maura asks who tipped him off, but the detectives all plead innocence. But they say you do what you need to do to protect family. And I think you all know what I mean when I say “family.”

They’re back at the bar with the Tweedledee and Tweedledum of plumbing. Finished with the project, Jane’s dad turns on the water to see if his handiwork works. Maura grabs Jane’s arm. Jane grabs Maura’s hand. At this point, the folks who picked touching in the drinking game are passed out on the couch.

And then the water flows. Everyone cheers because it’s not like indoor plumbing has been around since before Christ. Well, regardless, Jane calls Maura a genius. And then when Maura agrees, Jane amends it to a “humble” genius. But I swear, the first time I heard it I thought Jane said “homo.” I think my way sounds better. Maura tickles Jane as retribution, which again is an all-around more pleasing and more gay way to handle revenge than with an ice pick.

Though, before we go, I have to lodge another complaint with TNT. This picture was among the production stills for the episode, which means somewhere on some cutting room floor is the footage of Jane giving Maura a hug.

I thought I told you to never cut touching between Jane and Maura, TNT. Ever.

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