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“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.07): Last one there is a rotten egg

It’s race day. Boston is buzzing. Crowds are gathering. Jane Rizzoli is looking for Maura Isles. All seems right with the world. Inside The Dirty Robber (seriously, how did I just now realize the cop bar they hang out at is called The Dirty Robber?), Frankie asks Jane why she is in the race since she hates running. She says she promised a “friend.” Sure, I always agree to run 26.2 miles for someone who is just a “friend.” On cue, Maura bounds in all smiles and twinkle toes. OK, I don’t know exactly if her toes are twinkling but they’re sure visible in her Vibram FiveFinger running shoes. Shoes called “FiveFinger?” Wow, leave it to the gay ladies to find those.

Jane is dismayed by the footwear, probably because she is worried they’ll become the new Birkenstocks and the last thing we need is lesbians investing in more tragic footwear. Maura, meanwhile, is dismayed that Jane is wearing a T-shirt and shorts over the matching spandex racing outfits she had made for them. Matching outfits already – how sweet.

Said matching outfits are for the charity Jane and Maura are supporting: Professionals for Underprivileged Kids of Excellence, otherwise known as P.U.K.E. Hmm, guess none of the professionals majored in English and were able to warn them of their very unfortunate acronym choice. Though, if you ask me, this whole P.U.K.E. business is just an elaborate excuse for Maura and Jane to ogle each other’s chests. In which case, Mission: Accomplished.

Jane snaps at Maura that they are racing because “we wanted to do something together” and not to run looking like “Lady P.U.K.E. Gaga.” So, wait, there’s also a meat component to this outfit? But Maura takes Jane’s rejection of her outfit personally and starts to tear up. Pulling the Crying Card and wearing matching outfits? No, they aren’t in a relationship or anything.

Of course, it works. Maura cries, Jane takes off her shirt. Nicely played, Dr. Isles.

At the starting line Maura tells Jane that runner’s high should kick in around mile 12, and “the endorphins are comparable to orgasm.” Or, you could just cut to the chase and have sex now. I’m just saying, as a time saving measure.

The race begins and soon after Jane starts to get blisters (we won’t mention the cameltoe). But then they come across a runner down — like really down, like dead. The geeky teen marathon volunteer wants to radio for help but Jane flashes her badge (it’s on a chain around her neck, in case you were wondering where she kept it in that spandex getup) and contains the situation.

If the 38,000 racers and 400,000 onlookers find out there’s a gunman on the loose, there will be panic, trampling and much death. She calls in to headquarters to alert Korsak and Frost (no word on where, exactly, she was keeping her phone though).

Of course, convincing a geeky teen boy to be quiet is one thing, getting Dr. Maura Isles to play along is quite another. First Jane wants her to pretend the dead guy isn’t dead, then Jane wants her to perform the autopsy in the field. Maura blurts out in exasperation “just give me a Leatherman and some duct tape and I’m all good to go.” Too. Many. Jokes.

Actually, she is good to go and the autopsy is going well until another runner goes down. That’s two dead bodies. Someone find Dr. Isles some more duct tape. Jane argues with the race director (who happens to be Balthazar Getty — loved you in Young Guns II, dude) about the governor demanding they stop the race and alert the public. She tells him to “man up,” which while standing in the presence of Det. Jane Rizzoli is no easy task. Yeah, Balthazar, she just pulled the Stigmata Card on you.

Maura tells Jane she is fearless for picking a fight with the governor. Jane says she isn’t fearless, but that “we don’t give in to fear.” Maura agrees and says if we do we “end up dying a little bit every day.” So, I think what they’re trying to say is, if they don’t make out right now the terrorists win. Hey, I’m just trying to read between the lines.

Through some serious Skyping, Jane, Maura, Korsak and Frost discover the two dead men went to high school together. And they were also named in a criminal case together. They were accused, along with a third man, of brutally raping a young woman. But the third man comes from a very rich family so despite the fact that there was videotaped footage of the assault, it never went to trial.

Jane says “part of me wants to let the shooter finish off this asshole,” which draws sympathetic glances from Maura. You know, considering all the spandex these two are wearing there has been a dearth of good eye sex this episode. I mean, I know, double-homicide and all, but so much stretchy clothing is happening here ladies that you really should take a peek. How about at least a little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching?

Well, not quite, but we’ll take what I can get.

The team figures out that the third man involved in the rape is also in the race and his victim lives two blocks from the course. Jane and Maura run to her house, only to discover that she committed suicide a year ago. But her sister is running today in her honor. And by “honor” she means “vengeance” because in her room is a detailed map of the race, gun barrel parts, hollow-point bullets and headshots of each man. You know for being meticulous planners, killers are always really bad about cleaning up their incriminating evidence.

Jane and Frankie race, literally, to find the third man on the course. They get to him just as the victim’s sister does and stop her from shooting him, too. Don’t worry, Jane still gets her man. Despite his crowing about that the statute of limitations being up, Jane arrests him for rape. Turns out rich guys aren’t so good at understanding legal minutia, because the statute says 15 years from the date the victim turns 16 — and she was 15 at the time of the rape. So buh-bye, scumbag. I think Jane will personally make sure the door hits you in the ass on the way out, for good measure.

So what do Jane and Maura do after solving a double homicide with nothing but a Leatherman and some duct tape? They finish the race, of course. All the other racers have long since gone home and it is now dark out, but our gals keep their promise to each other. Jane even says she thinks the runner’s high has kicked in. That or she finally caught a glimpse of Maura in her running outfit and experienced that, um, endorphin effect.

Jane gives Maura a little love bump before they race each other the makeshift finish line. Then, with Jane’s mom, dad and brother cheering them on, Jane and Maura finally give us the real Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching we’ve been waiting for in the form of a four-second, full-body hug. Yes, of course I timed it. So did you.

Well, that’s it for our little Rizzoli & Isles Retro Subtext Recaps. The remaining three episodes were already recapped during the regular season. See recaps for episodes 1.08, 1.09 and 1.10 if you haven’t yet. Thanks for playing along. And may the subtext be with you.

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